Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Here We Go Again...

I swear, if it's not one thing, it's another. I was feeling pretty good about things... made some headway with getting my apartment packed, made it four days in a row with some sort of outdoor exercise (I managed to pull something yesterday so this morning's downpour was a convenient excuse to take the day off, so naturally, it was bright and sunny by the time I got home), got myself a new hair color (it's blonde again! Not BLONDE!blonde like it was back there around my freshman year, but much more golden, and some of the highlights we put in are still showing through, albeit subtler. I like it.)... and I was starting to build the wall back up from my emotional vulnerability from last week.

And then my car finally hit a point where I grumbled a bit and took it to a mechanic. All the second opinions in the world are probably going to circle back around to my first estimate, and it will cost me about $500 to fix. It's the water pump, which has a leak, which in turn is causing me to leak coolant, which, left in its current state, can pretty much destroy the whole engine. Awesome. Sooooo don't have much choice but to get it fixed. Lucky me, I have one of the most bitchly engines created, and the water pump is conveniently located in a most inconvenient location that makes it expensive to get to. Hoorah. Plus, in my rantings and ravings, I got some other feedback on Twitter of other car problems I can probably expect to run into with this particular vehicle. On the bright side, if I take care of it, I might be able to make it last until I can afford to get a new one. This falls somewhere between "paying off my credit cards" and "making a sizable dent in my student loans" - God I hate money. I think I'm back on board with my original plan of marrying rich. Jeebers.

Anyway. I realize car problems aren't the worst thing in the entire world nor that $500 is by any means the worst dollar damage it could have incurred (anything much higher would, however, probably have fallen into the "is this worth it?" category). Still, when you're as shit broke as I am, the thought of trying to scrape together $500 makes me want to sit down and cry. I mean, sure, I could pay it. But then I wouldn't have enough for rent this next month. I'm going to be forced to borrow some money from my dad which I feel horrible for doing, especially with the general "I'm disappointed in your financial situation" guilt that always seems to accompany it. I'm giving serious thought to picking up a part-time job, but hell if I know where I'm going to get the energy to manage that.

I also had my first face-to-face encounter with the source of last week's angst, despite my best efforts to avoid him. Not because I want to avoid him, necessarily, but because I feel so goddamn stupid and sad and I can't decide if it's worse to be awkwardly embarrassed or to experience pangs of hurt. (Or which one will be the more dominant emotion at the time. It varies every time I see him.) Either way, I've been keeping my distance, but I saw him for a few fleeting seconds while he held the door open for me while my arms were full of file folders. No conversation beyond a "thank you" was really necessary, so I kept on my way and dismissed it... until hours later when I decide to angst about it here.

I've been trying really hard to just get the hell over this. I've been distracting myself pretty well, I've been watching trashy reality tv with my sister (it really does do wonders for making one feel better about oneself), I've been (sorta) working out (though I'd be lying if somewhere that motivatin didn't lie within my damaged self-esteem. If only I were thinner, prettier, etc. That sort of shit.), I've been trying to hypothetically ponder other options... but I keep circling back around, and I am completely hopeless. I, my friends, am stuck. On some level, I'm kind of okay with that. If I had to pick a guy to waste my time pining over, I've picked a pretty decent one. Still... well, it's kind of a tad bit masochistic, I suppose. Wanting what you can't have. Being content with a hopeless situation. Somewhere in the back of my head, I can step outside myself long enough to shake my head at myself... but fuck if I can do anything about it. I'm not sure what exactly the idiot part of my brain is hoping to accomplish by hanging around, but it can't be reasoned with, so I've given up on trying. I know, I know. It's futile and stupid, and there's nothing you can say that I won't agree with or probably have thought myself... but what the hell do you do? Wait and let it play itself out, I guess. It'll pass eventually. They always do.

In other news, one week from today I will hopefully be blogging from my new apartment, assuming there is Internet connectivity, cause I will hopefully be largely moved in at that point. Two weeks from today, I will probably be in a drunken stupor with a couple days off celebrating that the maternity leave I am covering will be OVER!!! (My biggest fear right now is actually that she will decide she likes spending time at home with the kids and decide not to come back at all. There. Now I've said it out loud, and can quit harboring it.) All in all, it's kind of a dull stress now, it's just always there, I'm not going to tear my hair out, I'm in the home stretch... it's like when you're in a race and you just have to sprint that last little bit... Just finish, and then you can rest. Soon, soon.

Oh, and more mom drama! As we know, I can't blog it here, but I am starting semi-regular email "newsletters" with detail. I got a fabulous email from her today that just embodied the spirit of dysfunctional angst, but I am ethically torn about just forwarding it verbatim - is that some sort of violation of trust? I don't know. I do know, I'm glad I only metaphorically bang my head into my desk, cause otherwise I'd have some serious cranial brusies by now.

Such is my life, I suppose.

Friday, July 17, 2009

We Interrupt This Blog To Bring You A Non-Angsty Post...

Hi friends! I thought I would take a break from AngstFest 2009 to provide you all with some less, um, interesting stuff. I actually had a fairly productive day. I was fairly useless at work today, as tends to happen with half days. I then had my first dentist appointment in about two years, which was quick (minus the paperwork) and painless. No cavities! yay! Thus continues my 24-year streak. My teeth feel so clean and shiny now!

I then traversed down to the great metropolis of Des Moines so Calee could do something with my hair color. (I actually intercepted her on her way to the post office, honked at her, to which she automatically turned and flipped me off, then burst out laughing when she realized it was me. Classic.) We then travelled across town in search of a beauty supply store, found Ulta, which is bad news if you don't like spending money - SO MUCH STUFF! I escaped spending much less than I'd anticpated, so that was cool. I'm glad it's so far from me. Yeesh.

Net change with the hair experiment was a tinge of red and two very pronounced highlights in the front - not awful, but not what we were trying for. I ended up stopping at Target on the way home and grabbing a box to just do an all-over color, since, really, the roots were what were mostly bothering me. So... I'm blonde again. Not super bright blonde like before, but, more than it was yesterday. [EDIT: There is still some red in there. The underside of my hair actually looks kind of cool.]

AND! I went for a run today! I figured I would stumble a few feet and just nonchalantly turn it into a walk and do my normal thing. But I made it about three times farther than last time I tried, walked a bit, ran a little bit more, finished off most of the usual walk route I take, headed back, got some sort of bizarre second wind fairly close to my return, so I ran the rest of the way... got back... realized I was not nearly as exhuasted as I should be, grabbed a quick drink of water, and went back outside and started over. Made it ALMOST as far as I did the first time, walked more, did a little bout, kept walking, finally realized I should probably turn around and head back because I'm getting a tad exhausted, and walk the rest of the way home. On my immediate bou, I was all, ah, yes, this is why I hate running, but by the end of the day I was like, eh, it's not super horrible. I think I figured out at some pointthat I was able to go a little bit longer if I changed the way I was breathing - my body itself wasn't tired, it was just more that I was winded. I don't know. Maybe I'll get ambitious and keep doing it. Maybe I won't. Either way, yay me. I'm kind of impressed with myself, not gonna lie.

Now, this weekend: I pack!

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Angst Week Continues on the Kelly Channel

Lordy this week is taking forever to get through. I feel like I've stumbled through with all the grace and focus of a zombie. Or a robot. Zombie-Robot?? Ok, kids, I'm calling trademark rights to that one. At any rate, I've been in an exhausted stupor for most of it and I've hit a point both today and yesterday when I realized I hadn't really left my computer all day. Suck.

I know we're all going to get real tired of this real fast, but you know what, it's my blog and I choose to whine about what is making me - wait for it - angsty, so you can roll your eyes all you want, whatever. While there are many things I am quite dismissive of and can laugh off and be okay over (pretty much my entire relationship with my mother), those who know me pretty well also know that I do have a hard time letting go of things. I'm even worse at admitting when I've lost.

Even though I acknowledge that it is clearly time to throw in the towel with this guy, I can't seem to quite let go. I don't know what I'm holding on to. I suppose there's always the minutest of chances he'll maybe someday change his mind. Possible? Yes. Likely? Not especially. Does that make a difference to the way I feel? Nope.

As Calee sort of pointed out in her comment yesterday (or the other day, whenever it was) when I went on my little narcissistic rant and tried to be insulting/insulted - she pointed out that there wasn't, in fact, anything wrong with him. And I really wasn't trying to imply that there was. (Well, ok, I was, but mostly I was trying to convince myself of it). Cause really? There's not. And for every one of my girlfriends that tries to call him an asshole or a douchebag, I will defend him every time. ...Although it's really not any more reassuring that those of my friends that do know him are quick to point out what a great guy he is. Yeah - thanks. I know that. I am well aware. The problem with it being pointed out to me is that it makes me feel even worse about striking out and contributes to my bummed-out-ness. I have hard time visualizing any other guy that's quite worth my time right now, and with my only option being to sit and pine away, well.. fuck. It sucks, is what it does. I'm going to be quite stuck for a while and it's going to be pretty damn masochistic of me to do so, but what else do you do? (And so help me, if any of you come back with "I know this guy I could totally set you up with" I will seriously, seriously punch you in the face. Not. Helpful.)

I realize it's only been about a week or so since it all fell apart on me, so I guess I'm well within my statute of limitations to be mopey and bummed about it, and I'm going to have to get to a point where I at least shut up about it, but holy fuck did I get it bad this time. Not even kidding. I don't remember the last time I let myself get so messed up over some guy - let alone some guy that nothing even happened with. I've also never fallen for a pre-existing friend before, either, so that's also weird.*

And that's the other thing, I don't know how long a time span I am allowed to sit and be pissy and not talk to him before I fuck up an otherwise perfectly good friendship. Granted, it's hard to trace back much of that friendship that I wasn't otherwise interested in something more, but, I don't want to get myself chopped out of his life because I was a dumbass about being passed over. There is no humanly way I could hang out with him right now though and not be a complete wreck about it. It's really a shitty situation. Damned if I do and damned if I don't. God damn it anyway. Why does this shit happen to me? I was perfectly content with the way things were going before all this and now I'm just a ball of girly stupid. HATE it.

Seriously. I could whine for hours. I won't, of course, because I don't have that kind of attention span. And eventually I would start repeating myself. (If you are trying to relate this into a real-life conversation, it would be the part where I start getting high pitched and starting making lots of hand gestures and getting mildly huffy. Yes, I know this is how I tell stories. It is not lost on me.) FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK there how about that, that pretty much sums it up. I am not a happy camper.

Hmm yes so other things. Those exist, too. I'm taking my car to the mechanic on Monday to check on this coolant issue. There was a most definite puddle gathering this morning so I'm pretty sure there's a leak somewhere. I called the one that got the most recommendations when I polled my Twitter peeps, the dude seemed a little brusque on the phone but hopefully they'll be nice to me and not dick me over because I'm a girl.

I'm not sure what to do about my stomach right now either. More specifically, I'm not sure what to eat right now. I've essentially been grazing the last few days. Ugh. So annoying. On the bright side, the jeans that didn't quite fit last week were comfortable enough to wear today. Heh. Lots of stress + emotional distress are always my best diet. FML.

*Wait, in retrospect, that might not be true. It's kind of a gray area. But this is totally different, so there.

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Return of the Angst

All right, so here we are. This week, while only a couple days in, has taken it upon itself to Suck and so I continue to be angsty but for multiple reasons now. I think I am going to theme this blog and include the word angst in every title from now until I forget to keep doing it.

I think my stomach issues are perhaps returning. It seems like I can't eat hardly anything without feeling sick an hour later. Usually I can tell when something is a bad idea... but, like, today, I couldn't even get through my Jimmy John's sandwich without wanting to curl into the fetal position. So, that sucks. I'm not ruling out the possibility that this is heavily stress related, but either way, it's annoying as hell because I freaking need to eat. (Or, perhaps - magic diet? We'll see.)

Work has been stressing me out. One of our clients made me cry yesterday. Now, he's not inherently a bad guy, but he is one of our most difficult clients and usually he's a jerk, and it normally doesn't get to me. I don't know if he just got me at a bad time, or if I'd finally just hit my breaking point, but after a string of his angry emails, I just had to get away from my computer and go outside and I just ended up sitting on the sidewalk and crying. One of our designers happened to unfortunately be nearby so he came over and was like, "uhhhh is everything ok?" so then I felt really stupid. I finally went back in and my supervisor was like "are you ok? do you need to talk?" so then I started crying all over again and she just sat there and listened (and was impressed, I guess, that it took me this long before I had a breakdown, ha.) I think they are going to have a Talk with this guy, but... I don't know. I'm good at what I do and I don't like to take people's shit but argh. I need a vacation, I think. Three more weeks until I'm done covering the World's Longest Maternity Leave, and then I will possibly just take a few days off to sit around and do nothing. Relax. Recover. (I did have some crazy wicked dreams today during my late-afternoon sleep - very cinematic. Kind of bad ass. So that was cool.)

And then, of course, the main Issue of the Day (see: previous post). It makes me sad and angsty. It's so frustrating because, unlike most shitty situations I find myself in, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. At least sometimes, there's a little bit of hope, or I can make a plan, and do something. But here? Nothing. No hope, no plan, no anything. I just have to sit here and wait for it to go away. Which is going to take forever, because it's been lingering around forever, and I've never really possessed the ability to snap my fingers and make things go away. And dammit, why doesn't he like me anyway?! What the hell is wrong with him? I'm not saying I'm super perfect, but I am having kind of a hard time fully wrapping my head around that one. I'm awesome, dammit. (Seriously? I know I'm not at my ideal weight, but I'm still fairly cute, and I've got nice assets, if you know what I mean, and I'm fun, and laid-back about a lot of things - or at least relatively low-maintenance, and, I don't know. I'm not going to make a huge list, but I know I have several redeeming qualities that should make me at least somewhat attractive, amirite?). He is clearly defective. And yet... I'm still going to be bummed about it. I wish there was something I could do and magically change his mind and yet since that is highly unlikely, I am just going to bitch about it to you guys instead.

So, that being said, it is 9:30 and thus bedtime.

Sunday, July 12, 2009

[Insert Angsty Title Here]

So, I know I've been exceptionally cryptic and vague on here, and part of that is because I don't know who reads this. I've finally decided that I don't care.

Some of you have heard the whole back story, some haven't. I'm going to condense it as much as I can, mostly because I don't want to go through all of it. As with all moments of angst, there is a boy involved. In this particular case, it's a boy that I've been crazy about for a ridiculously long period of time. I won't get into the details, if you want to know, you can ask, but basically I finally hit a point where I decided to grow a pair and actually say something to him. My thought process? Worst case scenario, he says no. Best case? Maybe something happens. In theory, it was foolproof. In reality, I was kind of a headcase about it. Sure, it was an empowered, assertive thing to do... but I was absolutely terrified to do it. Turns out, I had just cause. Final verdict? He's not interested. He's sorry but he just doesn't feel the same way. Fair enough. He was perfectly nice about it and it was probably one of the best rejections I've ever received, if there is such a thing. Once I get over myself, we'll be able to go back to being friends the way we were before and it will be ok. I didn't fuck things up that much, at least.

The thing is? I kind of saw it coming. It still hurt a hell of a lot more than I thought it would, though. It's been a really long time since I was so attached to someone, for so long... and it's like, now what? I pick up and move on, I guess, but that is easier said than done. This was more than a passing crush on some dude I met at a bar, or something. I genuinely really cared about this guy, and probably will for quite a while. I can't make him change his mind. I'm not going to try. I've done enough. (And I know everyone's response is "he's an idiot, you'll find someone else, blah blah blah". He's not an idiot, and yes, I probably will find someone else, eventually, but dammit, it's not that easy to just flip a goddamn switch and make it all go away.)

Beyond the obvious being emotionally stomped on and being forced to try to let go of something that's been lingering for ages, it's just the general hurt of being rejected yet again. I mean, in theory, if we want to look back, I can claim to have been rejected by every guy I've ever been with. But in the three years since my last actual relationship, I've struck out with every single guy I've been even remotely attached to. Shit. I forgot how much this hurt. It's been a really long time since I've been shot down by someone that I cared about. Guys I've met once or twice that I kind of hit it off with, but then decided they weren't interested? Yeah, it sucks, but whatever. This one fucking hurts. And the thing is, I'm not surprised, I had such a hard time reading him that I knew very well it could go either way, and the pessimist in me was inclined to believe that things would not end favorably. It's the optimist in me that gets my ass kicked every time.

It's more than just being rejected (although, in theory, that is enough.) Shit like that happens all the time, especially to me. I'm a big girl, I get over it. It's just compounding that feeling that I am unwanted and undesirable and that there is something fundamentally wrong with me. It brings me back to hating myself for reasons I don't even comprehend, but it just feels so empty and pointless and no matter what anybody else says, it's not something I can just "get over" - I've spent most of my life not feeling good enough and then shit like this happens and it just starts back up all over again.

It's like a goddamn disease. One thing goes to shit and it feels like everything else has, too. This obnoxious angst has infected everything. I mean... I'm sure you've all heard me blather on about how much I love my job. And I do. Except right now, I don't. I dread going to work and I cringe every time my phone rings and I feel like I'm hitting a wall and the motivation I used to have is eluding me. And I'm still as financially fucked as ever. And I'm trying to pack my apartment and move but it's just such a daunting task that I can't seem to bring myself to do it. I don't know. Something needs to change, I hope this move will do it for me, if not... then I don't know what the fuck to do with myself anymore.

It's amazing how the simplest of things triggers the big ol' "fuck all" that makes me condemn everything in my life. Every fucking time.

I don't know. I could whine and whine about it but that doesn't change anything. There's really only so much that can be said. I put myself out there, and it didn't work out. Happens every day. Not to me, but, in general. I'm not going to pretend like it's going to be magically okay, but I have awesome friends and a thicker skin than sometimes I realize, but... whatever. Right now? I'm going to wallow. I am entitled.

PS - more mom drama is possibly on the horizon, if the bits and pieces of info from Friday are any indication. Best to get my own drama settled and out of the way first...