Thursday, May 28, 2009

Bits & Pieces of This & That

My original blog topic for today was going to be a semi-epic rant but that will take a wee bit of effort (there will be quoting! and linkage! and lots of swear words!) so I think that might be a good Friday afternoon project, so stay tuned.

Instead, we will have our weekly mini-updates on the Life & Times of yours truly.

Work has been a bit less stressful this week, although quite frankly I think I am a tad burnt out from last week, so I'm pushing myself a little less hard. Either way, I left at FIVE O'CLOCK tonight for the first time in probably, like, six months (well, ok, I guess when I have softball at 5 I duck out but if I come back it totally doesn't count). Tues & Wed I left at 5:30, so we're making progress. Next week, who knows? But I'm really just taking it one week at a time. (Yes, by weeks, not by days. That's how I roll.)

Let's see... after work today I went home and lounged for a bit then went to Tae Kwon Do and sweat more than I've probably ever sweat in my life... then hit up the batting cages with a friend for a bit. It's fun to actually get to just hit the damn ball repeatedly... although all they had was fastpitch baseball and slowpitch softball machines. Yes, I needed to work on my slowpitch hitting, but man I would have loved to take a few rounds of fastpitch softball. (I tried the baseball machine... that was interesting... and mostly full of fail... but I did manage to peg a few of them.) Then I came home and took the most glorious shower of my life. And THEN I put in some laundry, which I am regretting now, because I have to wait another twenty minutes for it to finish so I can go to bed, which is why I'm sitting here writing this asinine blog post.

I also bid on a gloriously awful 80's dress for next year's prom. As much as I loved my pink dress, I think I want to go more TEAL next time (not teal. not Teal. More of an OMG TEAL WTF.) Either way, I have no idea if it will fit, because everyone in the world lists the measurements differently on their pages, but right now, the bid is at $0.99 so I'm okay with it not fitting, if it doesn't. That, and if it's close, I have a while to fit into it. That, or I'm sure I can loan it/sell it to someone to use. (I was at work today, and my friend Michaela sits next to me, and I was all "hey, what do you think of this dress?" and she just kind of looks at it, and at me, and I clarified, "for prom next year," and she gets this big look of relief on her face and is like, "in that case, it's AWESOME." Hee.)




Other than that... everything else is about the same. Like I said, I'll probably have a ranty post up tomorrow and possibly another big long angst-purge in the near future, but those will require some actual thought (or at least brain energy), so... there's that to look forward to, I guess.

Peace out.

Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Shiny New Internet Toy

I'm thinking to myself round about yesterday that I'm about due to run some more photo prints... and lo, I get an email from Shutterfly today telling me I can earn FREE prints! Ok, I'll bite. Do I need to send some emails, invite people, whatever? I will, I don't care. I like free and I like Shutterfly. (This is the one associated with Target... you can send prints to a Target to pick up, which is convenient because my sister works at a Target photo lab, so when she wants prints of my photos, I just have to load them on up and she prints & buys them. Nifty. I myself prefer to have them mailed back cause then I can get the matte finish that I prefer, but whatevs.) (And no, I no longer work for either of these companies, though Target will always have my unending loyalty).

It was even easier (and less spammy) than I suspected - create a photo sharing site! Get 30 free prints! Sure, I've got some time. I've been needing to get my sister the pics of her husband's birthday shindig anyway. We'll give 'er a go.

I... actually don't hate it. It's designed so that you can add members who can theoretically all add their own photos and such, and then you can actually order prints directly from there, from each other's pictures. That's cool if that's what you want (I am anal about my stuff and nixed that setting, but if that was your original intention - to actually share photos, then it makes a lot of sense). In a way, it's kind of like flickr, except to my knowledge, there's not a 200-photo cap, and it's hooked directly to a photo processing service. And it's pretty idiot proof. At least it was pretty intuitive to me... I'm not saying I could hook my parents up to it and have them get it without a massive tutorial, but...

Wait, I've got it...

Shutterfly site is to Flickr what Blogger is to Wordpress.

Not quite as sophisticated, but easier for us web-tarded people to use. (Unlike Wordpress, I did manage to navigate Flickr, but I ran out of space a while back, so I haven't really been using it. Neither site I am able to take advantage of their full potential cause I don't really have time to figure them out. Shutterfly/Blogger? Plug in and go.)

I've tampered with my settings, though, so any "members" to my page can't add or fuck with my content, but they can order prints and download the pictures. So my sister can take me out of the equation and get whatever ones she wants.

I'm a bit torn as to what I want to do with this site, though. My original intention was to post all the random family pics and send them a link (I think taking a buttload of pictures at every occasion is, in fact, genetic - my whole family does it... and then nobody ever sees any of the pictures again)... but I want to add some of my fun photos too, so then my family will think I'm a lush. I don't know. Maybe I make two pages, if I can link them both to my Shutterfly account. But it's a much better option for passing around higher-res images than facebook, so if anyone wants to frame that adorable picture from last weekend, they can hop on, send it to Target, and pick it up an hour later. Or something.

I don't know. The last thing I need is another new site to play with, and I don't particularly NEED another photo sharing site... But I'm kind of digging it. The ability to share/order/download prints I think is what is making it most appealing right now. Cause I'm getting increasingly bad about remembering to email hi-res versions to people, but I can still manage to upload them to facebook, or whatever, eventually. Hmm. There are definitely possibilities here, but I don't think I want to mix family & friends. The two groups, well... they are very different entities. And probably don't particularly care to see photos of the other. Nor do I care to have them see photos of each other. ;)

Anyway, that was my discovery for the day. It also kept me up past my bedtime. oops.


EDIT: Aha! They will in fact let me have two sites. So two sites it shall be. One for me & my friends & my debauchery, and one for my family & all that wholesomeness. *cough* or, something like that. Now, for real, bedtime........

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Know What I Mean, Not What I Say... ;)

I would like to clarify something from one of my posts from this weekend, that kind of made me sound like an intolerant bitch, which means I totally didn't say what I meant, at least not in the way I meant to say it.

Steph - if you'll allow me to quote the comment you left...

'Speak what's in your heart...

'Unless it has to do with not believing in God. We Christians don't want to hear that. Keep it to yourself.'

This is exactly why i'm sick of PostSecret.



My response: That's exactly why I'm sick of Christians.

Which prompted Steph to go, wait, what? Apparently, I guess, my sentiments came across badly... I don't care what you believe, or don't believe, whatever. I'm pretty mellow and groovy about the whole thing. I just don't like being personally attacked for what I believe, which I know sounds really counterintuitive given that whack-job fundamentalists have been trying to take over the country and seem to be in the majority, but the fact is most of my friends are NOT religious, and I don't like getting flak for the fact that I (occasionally) am.

So, I by no means was inferring that "if you don't believe what I believe than you can just shut the hell up and don't talk to me" it was more of a "don't make me feel like a moron because I believe in something you don't." Or something. I don't like to argue over such things because it's a very personal subject and I believe that everyone is entitled to their beliefs, including myself. And personal belief systems, in my opinion, are not debatable, and not something you CAN argue.

So that's what I meant. I guess. I'm still not sure if I'm explaining it right, but I apologize if I offended anyone, because that is the very last thing I wanted to do.

Unless you're one of those people that calls Ames, L'Ames. That still annoys me. ;)

(Juuuuust kidding. Sort of. Everyone does it. I'd have no friends left if this actually, truly bothered me. You use that apostrophe incorrectly, though, and we're through. FINISHED!)

Anyway. I just wanted to clear things up.

Also, fun fact... Steph informed me that the phrase is "for all intents and purposes" and not "for all intensive purposes." WTF? I had no idea. I've been saying it wrong all these years and will probably continue to say it wrong until I break myself of it. Still... My mind is blown.












Monday, May 25, 2009

Sunday... Monday... WAIT...

I am in a weird funk today. This weekend. I don't know. Maybe it's the weather.. it's cloudy... but I LIKE clouds! So maybe that's not it. Maybe it's just having this much time to myself. Long weekends always throw me off.

But I dunno. I feel simultaneously super motivated (clean! pack! dishes!) and completely lazy at the same time (nap! nap! nap!)... I've been caught somewhere in between the two all day... I stayed conscious, but I haven't done anything. I finished a book. I did a load of dishes. I finished some menial labor on a project for work. I sat on my "patio" in one of my bag chairs (surprisingly comfortable... it's been a while since I've attempted to curl up in one of those) and scribbled into my sketchbook. I'm not a sketcher, I'm just not good at it, and I'm lacking in the artistic ability to back it up. I did scribble a couple pages of something I've been needing to get out of my head, I may or may not post it, we'll see. It all depends on if I determine if there is a therapeutic value to be had by purging it out there... cause otherwise, it's really lame and y'all are probably going to laugh at me.

Oh well. What's new, right? ;)

I'm already so over this whole packing thing, too. Too bad I've still got like 90% of it left to do. SIGH.

Anyway, hope everyone had a super awesome long weekend... Calee, if you're reading this, we need to do something about my hair, my roots are starting to noticeably show.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Pseudo-Intellectual Bullshit, And Other Fun Weekend Pastimes

I started packing my apartment today. It's always an exhausting process but fortunately I have two months to complete it, so I don't feel quite so overwhelmed. I'm also trying to simiplify my life, too, and get rid of things I don't need anymore. I didn't have time to do this last time, I had just gotten a job and it was a flurry of activity getting relocated, but... damn. I have a lot of junk. I hate getting rid of things and letting go of things, though. Everything reminds me of something and I get surprisingly sentimental over the stupidest of things. (There are some things, though, I will never ever get rid of, for that very same reason).

One of the first things to get packed is my collection of books... of which I have so, so many. I hate to put them in boxes already, but let's be honest, I'm not going to have time to sit and read them between now and then, nor am I going to start any new ones between now and then, I've already got about six by my bed IF I feel compelled or have time. Novels went first; so far I've filled two boxes and I think I've got all but the strays in my bedroom.

In boxing up all my hardcover design books (which I've contemplated selling off, seeing as how for all intensive purposes, I'm not really a designer anymore, but at the same time, I refuse to admit that I won't ever be again), I decided to toss my PostSecret books in there too (that box is going to be absurdly heavy. I'm glad I'm not going to have to try to lift it.), but as I do when I'm packing, I get distracted easily, and decided to read them all again. They've sat long enough that it was like seeing them for the first time.. I forget how intrigued I get by that sort of thing...

My point, though, is that it made me stop and think. What are MY secrets? I've always had some I've wanted to send it, I'm sure I *have* sent some in at some point or another, but, now, today, what are they? They definitely have changed since the concept first reached my life.

Some of the secrets that I may have once related to made me realize how much better I feel about myself, my life, everything. I don't feel like the walking tragedy I was years ago... on the contrary, for once I feel happy and content. Not completely, of course, but that's an unrealistic goal, and quite honestly, I hope I never feel 100% happy, because that means things are way too good to be true and something shitty is inevitably going to happen.

So what are my secrets? I would tell them here, if I could. I'd bullet-point them out for the world to see... but, alas, the things that are truly "secrets" are going to stay that way (of which, I must say, they are getting fewer and fewer)... the rest? Well, I'll just slap them into a paragraph of random thoughts and that will have to be good enough.

So. Despite my former predisposition to angst, things are actually going quite well. I love my job, I'm busting my ass right now and it's probably going to burn me out, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. (I asked myself, the other night, just what was driving me... it turns out, I don't have a good answer. It's not money, because nobody is getting raises right now, and it's not a promotion, because quite frankly, I don't want one - the next step up from project manager is account exec, and it's not really what I want to be doing - what I am doing now, is what I want to be doing. I've got good relationships with my clients and I enjoy my account teams and I've got my systems in place and everything is going how I want it - I don't want to rock the proverbial boat. I mean, obviously, more money would be nice, but that's not it. As cheesy as it sounds, my entire motivation right now is based solely on the satisfaction of a job well done. I know, it's lame. But it's true. Also, successful = I am awesome.) I love my friends, obviously I have fallen out of touch with some of them, but the ones that are meant to stay in my life, will be around, and the ones that are around, mean everything to me. I'm young, I'm 24, I'm a little financially wobbly, but I've got an apartment and a cat and a job and a functioning car and I am stable and healthy and independent and fine. I am good. It took me a long time to get to that point, but here I am. (Knock on wood, quickly...)

I know I wouldn't actually be at this point if it weren't for the medication I've been on, but you know what? I'm okay with that. I know 99% of people don't "get" that and may look down on that, but you know what? To the people that choose to judge me for that, fuck you. Congratulations, you were blessed with functioning serotonin levels and a perfectly balanced brain chemistry. Woo-freaking-hoo. I'm not so weak as to not be able to get help where I need it. So eff off.

I get weird about the dumbest things. Like when people refer to Ames as "L-Ames." Yes, I get it, it's not an overly exciting town. Still, nobody is forcing you to be here. In the meantime, I DO live here, and I happen to love this town for everything it's given me, so I get a bit defensive of it, even if I never say anything. I don't care if you don't like it, I do, and by extension, I am a wee bit insulted, because I am choosing to be here.

Also, when people are negative and harsh my mellow. Especially when they are negative about things in my life. I don't even really have a good example, but, well, if it doesn't bother me, then it really shouldn't matter if you think it sucks. People that bitch about things all the time are incredibly annoying, and while I realize most people don't realize they do it, it really turns me off to you as a person. I don't need it. Most people don't need it. And every time you whine about something... I kind of want to kick you in the shin, a little bit. Shut the hell up, already. Nobody cares. (There was a girl in college we knew like this... I think there was a reason nobody stayed in touch with her beyond freshman year.) Not really aimed at anyone specific, just a trend I've been noticing, one that annoys the hell out of me.

Related, I suppose, is the whole workplace environment I've been submersed in for the last year+. It's a very, very positive place, and if you express negativity, then there is no place for you. We accomplish some pretty kick ass stuff that way. I know this has affected me, as a person. I have become a much more positive person, all around, inside and outside of work. This doesn't absolve all my sarcasm and cynicism and all of that, but I feel like I'm a much better, a much nicer, person to be around. I empathize with people more. I am calmer and more polite. Part of me is worried that I will become a complete pushover; then I remember how bitchy I can get when it is called for, and I'm not quite as wary as I could be. I don't know. It circles largely back to how people with the excess negativity and that bitch about everything... well, quite frankly, it irritates me. I sound like a freaking hippie. Next I will be playing acoustic guitar around a campfire having not showered for days on end. Blah.

Anyway. I think I'm a more likable person when I'm not a ball of pessimism, not to say that I've converted to optimism, but I'm much better at at least keeping my cynicism to myself (this blog not included). There's nothing wrong with being cranky and annoyed from time to time, and expressing that, but when that's ALL you do... bye.

(And again, this is not aimed at anyone specific, at least not anyone specific that would be reading this. Just... you know... people. The majority of whom I still hate for their sheer stupidity and lack of ability to function on a higher plane. That, my friends, is another rant for another day.)

Anyway, where was I? Yes, ok. I'll get off my soapbox. Secret-y type stuff. I'm afraid of champaign corks. Regular wine corks are ok. The kind that pop? I will not will not will not attempt those. Eek.

As much as I like to be the picture of independence, I get really squeamish about things like bugs in my apartment. I get creeped out by a lot more things than I let on, merely to maintain the facade of not being completely stereotypically girly. Sometimes I wish I had a boy around for the mere convenience of having someone to get rid of bugs, reach things on high shelves, and figure out my car issues. (And, you know, everything else too.)

Which leads to - this will not happen because I am still too scared to tell boys when I like them. I've done it twice in recent-ish memory and gotten rejected both times. Third time is theoretically a charm, but damn if I will ever get the nerve to do it again. I am not a fan of rejection. (And yes, this is directly relatable to something going on IRL, but I will not tell, I will not tell... because it's dumb and stupid and all sorts of ridiculous and I feel like a freaking high schooler with a crush all over again and DAMN IT when does the part about being a grownup now ever kick in? I am so lame.)

Tying this back into my original starting point (yes, I know, it's a very disjointed blog post, and it is not going to be short & sweet like I had hoped, nor is it following a single train of thought, but oh well, try to keep up), one of my favorite postcard secrets from tonight: " I once wrote a poem about you on a $1 bill in hopes that one day it will end up in your wallet." It kind of reminded me of the movie Serendipity - incredibly cheesy but cute chick flick - and the phone number on the $5 bill, etc. And it made me kind of want to try it - write something on whatever cash I would have, spend it, and see where it ended up. I know, I'm a dork.

But there's something about the concept of fate that intrigues me... and watch me get all existential now... (And yes, I may have been drinking, a little bit, so I don't care how stupid I sound.) It's actually similar to an online conversation I am having right now. As it goes, we all have a purpose in life. I fully believe in the concept of free will, but at the same time, I think maybe there is a little bit of your life path that is sketched out - you get to fill in the details, but there is a reason you are here. There is something you are meant to do. Hell if I know what that is, for me, but it's... something. This is existence is not merely a fluke, and there is some rhyme and reason to all of it. A part that everyone plays and an outcome that you are bound to arrive at. I know everyone has different views on religion, most of my friends, I think, have a negative view of such, perhaps directly proportional to the number of campus crazies and whack-job fundamentalists they've encountered, and I respect everyone's beliefs and I will never say "this is the way it is, you have to think like I do or you're WRONG!" (although, generally speaking, if you don't think like I do, you probably are wrong, because I am always right. *wink*) Mine happens to be that, yes, I do belive in God, and I know I suck at Christianity in the grand scheme of things, but faith is faith and I don't know if there really is a "wrong" way to do it. (If there is, I've probably found it.) If you want to start a debate on this, you'll be arguing with yourself. In my opinion, this isn't something that is really up for discussion. I have my beliefs, you have yours. I am not a scientist, I don't need "proof", but if I did, there are just far too many things I've seen and experienced - mostly little things, but that is where the beauty of life is anyway - that tell me there is no way that He cannot exist. So take your arguments elsewhere. I don't care what you think.

Now that I have strayed thoroughly off topic (though I tried very hard to keep steering it back!), I can't remember what my topic was... I don't know. Sharing secrets, I guess. I think there is something beautiful about anonymous secrets, they are more honest and real than what people are usually more willing to reveal to those in their circle. None of my secrets haunt me; they are just simply things that I have chosen to keep to myself. Some make me happy, some are embarrassing, some are sad, and some are just bad memories that I don't want to relive. I challenge you to think about your secrets... and if they are something that you need to get off your chest to make your life better, I encourage you to do so. Whether it be for all to see on your blog, whispered to one of your closest confidantes, or scribbled on a postcard and dropped in a mailbox... let them go. I am guessing you will feel much better.

Now, I'm gonna go ahead and tuck my soapbox into one of my cardboard boxes and pack it on up and get off my high horse for the evening.

PS: LONG WEEKEND!!! WOOOO!!!

Thursday, May 21, 2009

At Least It's Nice Outside...

You know what would be awesome? If I came home after working a 12-hour day, started a phone call with my sister, and get RUDELY INTERRUPTED by a fire alarm.

Mother effing kids these days.

Honestly, there were about a whole seven people outside. It's summer. Nobody's here. What the hell, guys?

Also, I was very disappointed by the fact that my building was not stormed by hot young firemen. I mean, if karma wanted to be nice to me, that would only be fair, right? If only.

There was actually one guy back by the truck that was young and cute. I might have been able to strike up a conversation with him because he sort of wandered over to where I was standing and said hi and such, but then some other dude was passing by and apparently they were friends, so they started chatting. Then the weary-looking firelady kind of motioned us all back inside, so, yeah... bummer. He had a cute smile, too.

Story of my life.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Hey - is that - THE SUN?

It didn't rain today.

Given the weather for the past two weeks, I find this worthy to blog about.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Sunday Blues

I've been inadvertently stashing up things to blog about for the last couple days. I've scribbled some notes (does typing count as scribbling?) when various bits occur to me, but I've never had the clarity of mind to write a full complete thought, or maybe I just wasn't at my computer, or I didn't have time, etc etc.

However, if I were to post all of them RIGHT NOW, I would probably sound a little biploar. My thoughts/emotional states have been all across the board. I've gone from super stressed to relaxed and confident back to freaked out and am now hovering somewhere in the vicinity of "I need ice cream."

Thursday I stayed absurdly late at the office to TRY and get caught up (I think I left about 9?) - I left for about 45 minutes to go to my TKD class, which, well, was embarrassing - I'd forgotten that I'd gone home Monday after work not feeling well and thus had missed class - but I figured it would be as good a time as any to try to get mildly caught up. I actually left in a decent mood. I can do this! It had been a rough week, what with doing MY job, the other gal's job, and pieces of my AE's job while he was out. "Stretched thin" is a bit of an understatement these days. I didn't get caught up, but I perhaps never will. Such is the nature of the beast.

The point is, I felt really good when I got home. I knew I was in for probably the longest three months of my life. I know I'm awesome at my job; I was prepared to use that awesomeness, and I was up for the challenge. I felt very secure in my purpose, and much more mature in my job. I suppose I'm not really "new" anymore, it's been a year, and yet... I still sort of am. But I can do this. I might not be able to get to things as quickly as I used to be able to do; I may end up pissing quite a few people off in the process of prioritizing; I may spend a few days locked in the bathroom, curled in the fetal position. We'll see. I write and re-write my to-do lists constantly; I get to what I can, and I just need to keep aware of what's left on it.

My goal, however, is to not sacrifice the level of awesomeness I've been maintaining so far. I've been hitting an almost 100% error free job rate over the last few months and I'd like to keep that... with two workloads, who knows? Always the perfectionist, I'm going to peeved if I start screwing things up.

I say this, and it's been a week. Only a week. It's only going to get worse, and pretending otherwise isn't going to do me any good. It helps that people are willing to help, and will do pretty much anything I ask them to right now. Nobody wants to be in my shoes right now. Hell, I don't even want to be in my shoes right now, but... whatever. I'll make it.

So that was Thursday. We're at Sunday right now. I've been to emotional hysteria in back in the meantime... Largely unrelated to work, but it still looms over my head. My next three months are going to be filled with crappy weekends and mega-stressful weekdays. The prospect of getting out of bed is a bit... daunting. And for what? I'm not getting any extra pay, I'm not getting any special bonus out of it... I'm a freaking masochist, that's what. Whatever, I'm going to try really hard not to bitch about it for the next three months... but fuck, man, it's going to be HARD. It's mostly because of the weekends. Confused? Let me explain.

I refuse to work on the weekends. I'll work as much during the week as I need to, I will stay as late as I need to. But the weekends are mine. That is how I will stay sane. But this weekend has been kind of a reflection of most: they're a waste of consciousness. I've practically done nothing but sleep the whole weekend, not because I was tired, per se, but because, well, there was nothing else. I am a sad, sad specimen of a human being. I'm turning into such a loser and it feels frighteningly reminiscent of my high school days. I didn't belong then, either. I am much less surrounded by my friends like I was in college. I was never wanting for social interaction.

But now? I don't know. Everyone's got LIVES, you know? Significant others and plans and, sometimes, families. Nobody has time for me. When my softball game on Friday got cancelled, it was hard to find anyone to DO anything with. Some ignored me outright; some were kind enough to respond that they were busy. It's not like I expect people to drop what they are doing and hang out with me... but I miss having the option of being able to call someone and have them be all, "yeahh! let's hang out! I'll be right over!" ... or something.

I don't know.

Related (as most things are), I still feel like an outsider among my coworker peeps. Like, I love them all and get along with them all, but it's not like I'm really invited to any of their outside-of-work gatherings. For as long as everyone's been there, they've got their groups, and there's no place for me. I don't know why this bothers me; it's kind of rude to just impose oneself on pre-existing groups of friends, I suppose, but... I don't know. I want to fit in. And it just feels like there's no place for me.

All in all, it was just a very lonely weekend, and I spent a lot of it curled up in bed trying to sleep to avoid all of it. Weekends are horrible because they are miserable and lonely and depressing. Weekdays are horrible because they are stressful and overwhelming and depressing. This doesn't leave a lot of room for optimism about my life. Granted, I may just be slipping into another depression episode, but I can usually see those coming a mile away. Instead it just feels like I'm in this giant funk with no forseeable end. August, August maybe. At least I'll be back to only needing to be myself.

Oh, and let's not forget, somewhere in there, I need to pack up my life and move. I'm excited for my new apartment; I am not excited to pack and haul boxes and unpack and sort everything out. On the flipside, I swear to God I am going to get rid of a bunch of stuff this time. I have so much shit that I don't need but refuse to get rid of. Why? I don't know. I barely use half the stuff I own, granted, I'm barely awake much when I AM home, that must mean I don't need it, right? Well there's always that "well, someday, just in case..." mentality that I can't get rid of.

*swear words*

Anyway. Whatever else I had to say, it can wait until the next installment of Depress-o-Blog 2009. I think I've managed to piece everything together into a semi-logical train of thought. I think I'm going to go curl up and read or something. Maybe put a few things in a box. (Maybe not.) Something that can be construed as doing something.

Also, I went to Target earlier, and blew some money on stuff I didn't need.... In all fairness, thought, it was money from selling my mom my old TV, so it was KIND of like freebie money, right? Right. That and they had a freaking ridiculous sale on bluetooth headsets going, and I've been meaning to get one, because that's one thing that deters me from talking on the phone, is actually HOLDING the damn thing up to my head for forever, and speakerphone isn't always convenient/feasible. So, for the price I paid, if it sucks, I won't be heartbroken. Wandered around the store a bit... in my sweats... looking.... well, looking like a Sunday should look... fortunately I only ran into one person I knew, but, ugh. *head desk*.

The only thing that kept me from stopping for ice cream on the way home was that I tried on a couple shirts from Target and it feels like I may have actually trimmed up a little. THEY FIT. And didn't look HORRIBLE.

(So naturally I came home and am scarfing down chips and salsa for lunch. Brilliant move, there, Kel.)

Blah. Whatever. I still want ice cream.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Bueller.... Bueller... Anyone...

So, I know it's probably not completely unexpected for me to dump a lot of emotionally heavy material onto the blogosphere and then flee, but that is so totally not what I meant to do. I could say that I haven't had much to say, but I'm not sure if that's true or not, I'm not really sure, I just haven't gotten around to blogging much so I'm guessing there wasn't much important to say. Or something. Anyway, I'm here. Or back. Or something.

Also, I've been stupidly busy. One of the gals at work went on maternity leave on Monday... which means I get to try to be two people at once for the next three months and I think it might damn near kill me. Like, I knew it wasn't going to be super easy... Hell, our job is hard enough as it is just doing the work of one person... but holy hell it's stressing me out. It's not even SUPERCRAZYBUSY right now, I don't think (it's hard to tell), it's just the mere act of juggling two workloads and being afraid of dropping something important.

Most of the work I have on my desk right now is actually probably my own... I'm in the middle of a lot of big projects. I'd be stressed out anyway. (It's probably worth mentioning that my account executive aka the other half of my client services team has been out since Friday since his wife also had a baby... so I'm trying to hold down the fort until he's back, too.) I'm very meticulous about my work and I've been on a rockstar streak of kicking ass and taking names, but I'm afraid that in order to survive the next couple months, I'm going to have to let some of my quality control slip just to stay on top of things. I can't be perfect and expect to keep breathing. Except I have to, because that's my job. That is the expectation I have set for myself and I will not sacrifice my work ethic or my standards just because now I have this whole heaping other load on my plate. Whiiiiiich is why I'm going to be utterly exhausted until she gets back. I'm going to try really hard to not bitch about it, because I'm happy to help, I'm happy for her and her husband and her family, I'm a team player, etc. It's just... it's freaking HARD, man!

Fortunately she left me a lot of cheat sheets and notes, which of course doesn't cover everything, but gives me a good head start. And her account exec is going to be a lot more hands on in dealing with the clients too. So hopefully, we'll get through this. I'm hoping it's just a rough transition week... I also know I'm probably deluding myself. BUT, I shall pull myself up by the proverbial bootstraps and keep plowing ahead.

As soon as she gets back, though, I am taking a vacation. And that vacation will consist of me staying in bed for days.

Actually that's probably what I'll do this weekend, too. HA.


Moving on...

This is the rainiest pre-summer weather ever. It's gross and I'm tired of it, and it's making me freaking sleepy. (Ironically, I've been having trouble falling/staying asleep at night again, so that's awesome.) I think I could easily be nocturnal. I've said this before.

Also, earthworms. I haven't picked up the last couple from the last mini-monsoon. Perhaps they shall serve as a warning to others.

Softball is chugging along... the first 'grownup' games were last Friday, we kind of, well, lost... and holy sore muscles, Batman... I was NOT prepared for how sore my legs would be from running bases. (On the bright side, I can tell I'm getting in a little better shape, cause I had a massive jog from the dugout to right field every inning and it didn't kill me). I love that I'm getting in shape. Or at least starting to. I need to find something to do to keep at it when softball is over. It's so much easier for me to be motivated to "work out" when I'm actually doing something. I am also far too self conscious to be seen at a gym. Not sure what that leaves me with, but I'll figure it out. My legs are starting to get nice and toned - reminiscent of when I had a bajillion flights of stairs to my dorm room. My ass isn't quite to where it was, but I'll take what I can get. And, if luck serves me well, maybe I'll even drop a few pounds. (YAY).

Coaching... well, let's say I'm a better coach than a player at this stage in the game. Though it does give me a false sense of what my skill level is, cause I can play like I'm awesome when I'm coaching practice, but when I actually play with my peers... *cough* We had our first games on Saturday and we lost the first one but won the second one. Even if you have a great, exceptional season... it's always good to lose games. Not a lot of them, of course... but if you win all the time then you don't appreciate it and you lose focus. When you lose, it keeps you humble. Last year my girls only lost one game, and I'm glad that loss was in there. (When I was in eighth grade town ball, we had an undefeated season going into the final tournament, and we were cocky little bitches. I remember.) Anyway, it was a good warm up, and hopefully they'll keep their heads in the game now that they've actually started. They're such a fun group of girls, but unruly as all hell. Ah, middle school. I do not envy them that. I hated that time period. They seem to be getting along much better than I did, though.

It's going to be interesting to try to juggle tae kwon do and softball... Mondays are really the only time it's a problem... even more so now that I am zapped of all energy by the time evening rolls around. Oh, well. Boo hoo. Suck it up and deal. Besides, physical activity is supposed to give you more energy anyway, right? Right.

I've noticed that I can ramble on endlessly about some topics more than others... Case in point, softball. I was going to write a quick blurb and move on and even though I've already stopped (I think), I could easily keep going. In the interest of not boring any of my teensy readership, I'll try to keep it to small doses. I guess there are worse things to be completely obsessed with. Obsessed isn't the right word either. I don't know. Brain = off. No eloquence tonight.

Actually, no more tonight. I'm going to stop typing and go to bed. I'm sure I can fill another entry of meaningless prose again tomorrow. Or, um, soon. Tomorrow seems optimistic, given my sporadic posting nature. Anywho. 'night all my lovelies.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Saying Goodbye (REPOST)

This entry was originally posted on May 10, 2006 on my deviantART account journal. I am reposting it because I really can't find anything more appropriate to say than the things that were going through my head at the time. I promise I'll go back to posting asinine fluff tomorrow.

So these last two days have been probably the most difficult of my life so far. Death is never an easy thing to deal with anyhow, but especially when it's someone your age, and especially when it's one of your close friends... it's just hard.

I left work early yesterday and about five of us carpooled over to go to the visitation. It was the first time I had really let things process and let myself cry. I'm so glad we were all there. Just having that automatic support system in place... I don't think any of us would have made it through without it. The funeral this morning was hard too... Every time I thought I was done crying I would just start up again. As we were leaving I had to walk by a string of our graphic design professors (including my former boss) while bawling my eyes out... I'm sure it was lovely. Bleh.

I know she's in a better place now... my (former) roommate said a few words during the service, and was talking about how what a dreamer she was, and that she no longer had to be frustrated by the confines of this world. No one to hold her back, she is free now. She's probably much happier and she would always talk about Heaven and what it would be like, and how it was so much better than here. If anyone in this entire world makes it to Heaven, she would be the first in line. I've never met anyone that cared so much about everyone else. She was such a beautiful person, both inside and out.

We were lucky. I was lucky. I got to know her really well these past three years... These past three years have shaped me and who I am so much, and she was such a big part of that. She helped me find my way. I am so much more, just because I knew her. She never failed to bring a smile to my face, and we rarely saw her without one on hers. It doesn't seem fair that one person could be so full of life, and yet have it yanked away. Maybe she was too much for this world. She always said she wanted to do something big. I think maybe she was the big thing that she wanted. She touched so many of us. My life won't ever be the same. Even now, it's hard to believe she's really gone. She's been so much a part of everything in my life... I don't even know how to begin to separate her out. So many things are going to remind me of her, and it's going to be hard.

I couldn't help but sit there during the service and wonder... why her? She had so much to give, so much she was willing to give, so many big dreams... She was destined to make an even bigger impact than she already had. I am nothing...Why am I still here? Why her, instead of me? Of the two of us, she was the one that deserved to live. She deserved to have a long, full life, and lots of kids like she always wanted. She had so much love to give, those poor kids wouldn't even know what to do with it all. It's so frustrating. I get so bitter at the world sometimes, and I have contributed nothing. I am a mediocre person who will be forgotten... If I could be even half the person she was, I would consider it an accomplishment. There's a part of the world that is so much darker now, so empty... She lit that up, just by being herself. While she's in a better place now, that's not much of a consolation prize now, that we are all still here without her.

God... I can't even begin to express everything that I want to say. It's still too new, too hard. I guess all we can do is keep living, keep breathing, keep going. I know she's watching us... I guess all we can do is try to make her proud. Maybe she was only meant to be here for a short time... long enough to bring some kind of magic into our lives that we will never again see. She was too bright for this world to hold... she doesn't belong here. But what are we supposed to do without her now? I feel like we will be stumbling around in the dark until we figure out how to close that gap. Or at least function around it.

I can't figure out what I want to say, so I'm just going to stop. Saying she was a special person is the biggest understatement you could ever dream of. You only had to meet her once to really, truly understand how amazing she was. I could tell even from that first night I met her. I guess it's better to have had her and lost her than to not have had her at all... because I know I would not be who I am today had it not been for all of the moments over the last three years, all of the projects, all of the late nights of being silly or having serious discussions on life, sharing dreams and fears and most of all realizing how lucky you were to have such friends. Even at the time, we knew. Had we known it would have been so short... Maybe we would have cherished it a bit more, but we always knew. We knew how lucky we were.

I guess when you have something so great and so wonderful, no time is really long enough. But it is the impressions that are made and the lessons we learn that help us adjust and refocus. I have seen true beauty on this earth. It is rare, and it is hard to let go... but she made us all believe in life and in hope, and that is what she would want for us to keep doing. To keep living, to keep loving. We won't ever forget her, that would be impossible. But we will have to trust that this is the way things were meant to be. I guess someday we will finally be able to find out why, because it's so hard to see it right now... But there has to be a reason, and we will just have to trust that it was a good one.

Miss you, Michelle. See you on the other side. xoxo.

Monday, May 4, 2009

In Pictures

A couple of my favorites. I won't bore you with too many.




Sunday, May 3, 2009

It Never Gets Easier

I'm going to write this now, because it's going to hang over my head and it breaks my heart to even think about, even now, and by the time Tuesday itself rolls around, I'm not going to want to talk about it or think about it or relive it or remember it. Which is unrealistic, because I will never actually forget, and all I can do is remember, but it's going to be a hard enough day as it is without trying to figure out what I want to say. Hell, I don't know what to say now. I'm just going to let my fingers keep moving and whatever comes out of it, is what I will say this year.

May 5th is a very emotionally loaded day for me. There are good things associated with it, sure - it's my friend Maria's birthday, and it's the anniversary of my graduation from Iowa State. Graduation was significant for many reasons, obviously because it was the culmination of the best four years I'd ever had (not that life now is terribly shabby... but it's not the same)... ISU saved my life in many ways, and having to leave was hard. I didn't go far... but anyway. That isn't even my point. Forget this paragraph even happened.

The whole day, though, while it should have been a celebratory day, was marred by everything else that that day was. May 5th, 2006... marked a tragic shift in my life that I haven't fully recovered from, three years later. I suppose, technically, May 6th should be worse. That's when I got the phone call. Even so, May 5th. Five five. The day will haunt me for probably the rest of my life. I suppose it will someday get easier (maybe?) and I won't maybe be so emotional when it rolls around... I don't know.

I'm stalling, because it's still hard to say it. It took me a long time to say it out loud or to even write it down, for quite a long time after it happened. That part hasn't gotten easier, either. So here goes:

May 5th, 2006, one of my very best friends and one of the greatest people I've ever had the privilege to know, was killed in a car accident on her way home from ISU.

It was, obviously, a complete shock. When my roommate called me to tell me, I don't even think it processed. It was just words, nonsensical, bizarre, untrue words. Things like this aren't supposed to happen. I was sitting in my car with one of my friends and I had to hand the phone to her because I couldn't even speak, or think, or absorb what I'd just been told. Not our Michelle. Not our perfect, wonderful, talented, full-of-life Michelle. The girl that made you feel like you were worth everything, that you were something special... I'd never really felt worthy of being her friend. But she was one of those people that you felt lucky to know, and you knew, even then, that you were lucky. It was impossible to take her for granted; yet none of us ever dreamed she'd be taken away from us.

I'd met Michelle my freshman year in the dorms. She was one of the first people I'd met and she came in and started talking to all of us bewildered freshman (reassuring us, mostly) and I instantly adored her and idolized her. She was way too special to be friends with someone like me. She made you feel like someone, whether she'd known you for five minutes or five years. People like her don't come around often, if ever. I'm not even doing her justice, I am just rambling in my usual way, I'm sure I've said the words a million times before and I'm wearing them out and nobody will ever really understand them anyway. How do you explain to someone who wasn't there, what someone meant to you? Words are insufficient.

When I lost faith in myself and whenever I was about to give up on myself, Michelle was always the first one there to bring me back. I can't even begin to explain how much she saved me from myself. Everything I like about myself now, I can trace back to her. I owe her so much and there is no way to repay her.

I can't write as well as I used to, anymore... I used to have the perfect words to say and now it just feels like I am wearing out the same ones over and over. I'm trying to dredge through my old journal over on dA to see if I have anything better I can steal that would be a better tribute to her. (On the flipside, I'm wading through a lot of petty angst, also... Heh. I need to go and re-read the last few years of my life sometime.) (God I was a witty, sarcastic little bitch sometimes. Love it.) (I was also a much better blogger back then, too. Frequency-wise, content-wise, everything-wise. Huh.)

Oh God, I found the entry I was looking for. I'm three sentences in and I'm tearing up already. Shit. Maybe I'll repost it on Tuesday. It doesn't belong with this stupidly written, poorly expressed jumble of thoughts tonight.

In reading what I wrote before, back in 2006, and even then it took me a long time to be able to say what I wanted, not due to a lack of eloquence like I am feeling today, but just due to sheer, raw pain. It was maybe a bad idea to go back and read those. Everything I wrote then, it is still as real to me now as it was then. I can get back inside my head and relive those same emotions and feel the same pain. It's like the three years in between never happened. I'm right back there. Is that good? Is that bad? I can't tell you.

I can't paraphrase this particular story, so I'm just going to pull this paragraph from an entry written two months after the fact. I can't read it without crying but it's a glimpse into that time... and I feel like it needs to be shared.

God, it's been a long week. I haven't really written much here so you'll just have to take my word on it... but I've just been so frustrated with work and with life and everything that I just wanted to curl into a ball and stay that way. Plus the other night reality decided to rear its ugly head and I just started missing Michelle so bad that I just laid there and cried. Wednesday makes two months since the accident. Only two months. God, it feels like it's been a lifetime. It's empty without her. I really needed her the other night. She never failed to make me feel better. No matter what it was, she was always there to reassure me... and nobody could quite do reassurance like Michelle could. It was pointless to argue with her when she was in the middle of praising you, because she wouldn't let you be down on yourself. And she was always there and willing to listen. I remember when I was having a really bad night this past spring, I retreated to the College of Design (affectionately known to all of us as the COD) to get away from everything and everyone, and I was talking with her online while I was holed up there, and I just really needed her, and she packed up all of her homework and came all the way over to the COD. Just for me. As I was laying there the other night, I really wanted a Michelle hug, more than anything else in the entire world, I just wanted one of her hugs. I wanted to cuddle up next to her, in her fluffy gray sweatshirt that she usually wore and just stay there while she told me it would be okay. It's hard when you finally start to feel that void. I had a dream about her the other night. I was the only one that could see her and we didn't really get much of a chance to talk, but really all I remember was standing there sobbing on her shoulder while she held me because I missed her so much. It just wasn't fair. It's not fair. And I still live in denial that it's real, because it doesn't seem real, but it is. I could feel it that night. That ache, that lonely ache. There are so few times when I actually need anyone, physically need to be near them... but I needed her so badly. And it would figure that the one person I needed was the one I have lost. Which leaves me feeling lonelier than ever.

It hurts my heart too much to think much more tonight. I still miss her so much. It's not the same debilitating pain that it used to be... life eventually has to move on... but, like I said, it will never, ever go away. I don't think I want it to, though. I don't want to forget. I owe her the memories for as long as I am alive to carry them.

On a more superficial level, I've been tinkering with designs, I've been wanting to get a memorial tattoo, but it had to be perfect, and I haven't been able to get that close yet. I have a design I'm going to play with more, that I created last summer... it's something I adapted from one of her illustrations and made into something... I don't know. Something that we both had a hand in. The only design collaboration that we actually did together. Maybe this will be the year I finally do it.