I've got a couple posts in queue, that are on hold for a couple reasons. I've got the obligatory MJ post, which I was in the middle of when Firefox crashed on me, so I'm hoping the draft saved somewhere. I think I was going to add some pictures or something. The problem with posting about current events, is that if you don't do it right away, then it's not current.
The other one has been hanging out in my head for a while - I had a delicious rant all worked up, but didn't have a chance to write it. I'm sure it will take me all of thirty seconds to get all re-peeved, but, well... like I said, I'm pretty mellow tonight, so I don't want to get into it. Again, current events. Well, sort of. This one has a longer shelf life, I guess.
Anyway. So there doesn't seem to be anything else massive and major that I skipped out on.
Anyway anyway. I'm stalling. Because I can't seem to find the right words for anything anymore. I feel like I'm standing on the edge of something potentially really good, but I'm such a huge chickenshit that I can't take that final step. I'm too afraid to make an ass of myself, to actually put myself out there... Everything is starting to align like it should, and I think maybe the timing is finally right, but I don't know. And I like to be certain of things before I do anything, because it's not in me to just throw caution to the wind and follow my heart, so to speak... My brain rules all, and it's comfortable, being logical. Rational. Safe.
I think I finally have the words I've been waiting for, but they're in my head and getting them out to where they need to be heard, well, that's another story. I'm going crazy, though, keeping things stashed away... Damn it, I should just blurt it all out and get it over with. I'm such a wuss. I don't know what I'm so afraid of. Well, I do, but sticking with the "logic" argument, it's not a big deal. The worst case scenario is really not that bad - in fact, the worst case scenario merely leaves me right back where I am right now. My fear is being driven by emotion, so I don't know how I can blame this on my head? Emotion is both pushing me forward and holding me back and it's so fucking bipolar right now I don't know what to do.
I could pull up a handful of cliches right now. I have no reason to hold back. I mean, I'll just regret the what-ifs and maybes if I do... I just need to catch my breath and work up the nerve to say what I need to say. "You regret the things you don't do more than the things you did" - shit like that. There's really nothing to lose, here. Gain? Perhaps. Keep the status quo? Likely. None of these are horrible. But, you know I won't. I know I won't. This is one of those things I blame my teenage years/high school experience on. I'm 90% of the time, a strong, confident person. But then that piece of me that was second-guessed and didn't belong and spent every day fighting the battle of rejection from the world at large - it's easier to hide in my shell.
I'm rambling, and I'm talking in circles. I haven't really said anything yet. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. Basically - there's something that I probably need to do, and there is no better time than now (or is there?), because dammit, that's life, and I just need to stop being such a pussy and just fucking do it already. Somebody needs to just slap me upside the head. Unfortunately right now, I think I'm going to have to do it to myself. And do it soon, before I make it worse on myself.