Tuesday, June 30, 2009

I don't even know.

I've got a lot to say tonight, but I'm feeling pretty chill, and I don't particularly want to get worked up and ranty about anything, so, it's going to be kind of a hodge podge of things.

I've got a couple posts in queue, that are on hold for a couple reasons. I've got the obligatory MJ post, which I was in the middle of when Firefox crashed on me, so I'm hoping the draft saved somewhere. I think I was going to add some pictures or something. The problem with posting about current events, is that if you don't do it right away, then it's not current.

The other one has been hanging out in my head for a while - I had a delicious rant all worked up, but didn't have a chance to write it. I'm sure it will take me all of thirty seconds to get all re-peeved, but, well... like I said, I'm pretty mellow tonight, so I don't want to get into it. Again, current events. Well, sort of. This one has a longer shelf life, I guess.

Anyway. So there doesn't seem to be anything else massive and major that I skipped out on. 

Anyway anyway. I'm stalling. Because I can't seem to find the right words for anything anymore. I feel like I'm standing on the edge of something potentially really good, but I'm such a huge chickenshit that I can't take that final step. I'm too afraid to make an ass of myself, to actually put myself out there... Everything is starting to align like it should, and I think maybe the timing is finally right, but I don't know. And I like to be certain of things before I do anything, because it's not in me to just throw caution to the wind and follow my heart, so to speak... My brain rules all, and it's comfortable, being logical. Rational. Safe.

I think I finally have the words I've been waiting for, but they're in my head and getting them out to where they need to be heard, well, that's another story. I'm going crazy, though, keeping things stashed away... Damn it, I should just blurt it all out and get it over with. I'm such a wuss. I don't know what I'm so afraid of. Well, I do, but sticking with the "logic" argument, it's not a big deal. The worst case scenario is really not that bad - in fact, the worst case scenario merely leaves me right back where I am right now. My fear is being driven by emotion, so I don't know how I can blame this on my head? Emotion is both pushing me forward and holding me back and it's so fucking bipolar right now I don't know what to do.

I could pull up a handful of cliches right now. I have no reason to hold back. I mean, I'll just regret the what-ifs and maybes if I do... I just need to catch my breath and work up the nerve to say what I need to say. "You regret the things you don't do more than the things you did" - shit like that. There's really nothing to lose, here. Gain? Perhaps. Keep the status quo? Likely. None of these are horrible. But, you know I won't. I know I won't. This is one of those things I blame my teenage years/high school experience on. I'm 90% of the time, a strong, confident person. But then that piece of me that was second-guessed and didn't belong and spent every day fighting the battle of rejection from the world at large - it's easier to hide in my shell. 

I'm rambling, and I'm talking in circles. I haven't really said anything yet. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. Basically - there's something that I probably need to do, and there is no better time than now (or is there?), because dammit, that's life, and I just need to stop being such a pussy and just fucking do it already. Somebody needs to just slap me upside the head. Unfortunately right now, I think I'm going to have to do it to myself. And do it soon, before I make it worse on myself.

Ahhh, fuck. 

Friday, June 19, 2009

TGIF

Feeling much better than I did on Tuesday, or whenever my little flipout was. I ended up taking the next morning off to just fricking sleep since I haven't been doing too well in that department (shocking, I know, to everyone who knows me. If there is anything I am awesome at, it's sleep.) More stress, blah blah, went to Olde Main on Wednesday for a coworker's birthday, got a bit knackered, actually managed to get to work twenty minutes EARLY on Thursday (much to the shock of everyone... I'm generally an 8:15-er). Remained exhausted Thursday, skipped TKD, but, it was like eight hundred degrees, and being in that stuffy workout room probably would have done me in... then today, I'm all, Friday, yay... 11:30 and one of the AEs I'm working with calls me and is like "I have an emergency..." My initial reaction was mixed with (a) there goes my afternoon and (b) wanting to cry. We're on summer hours, right? We close at noon. We stopped getting paid at noon. Yeah I was there until four. Still, somewhere around 2, I started to feel better. Like, I was just doing my thing and getting things done without people calling me and emailing me every two seconds and yanking me around. I could actually FOCUS and it was glorious.

So, that's that. I'm in a good place right now. I don't know how long it will last, but, I'm going to enjoy it.

Not much else to report. Working on some pro bono freelance tshirt designs, jamming out to iTunes (who realized, two song downloads later, that my Biolife card didn't have anything on it, and finally decided to notify me. So the song I downloaded tonight took about five tries once I got through all the sceens I had to jump through. Bleh), drinking one of my sister's sodas out of my fridge (she SAID I could!), and just chilling. I'm looking forward to sleeping tonight. Just a relaxed sleep. I should get up and go to TKD in the morning since I missed all week, but, we'll see.

Also, possibly, something else, maybe, but I could just be getting ahead of myself, so we'll wait. And yes, I'm leaving it vague on purpose. I'M NOT TELLING HAHAHA.

Happy weekend, my lovely friends. <3

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

An Exercise In Controlled Angst

Holy hell. I am kind of at a loss for coherent thoughts right now... all I really wanna do is start typing expletives until my fingers get tired and I can mosey off to bed. I am soooo exhausted, and worn out, and burnt out, and, well, it's starting to get me down a bit. Seriously guys, I am going to lose my shit. Just flip the fuck out and hope nobody goes under as collateral damage.

I am being pulled in too many directions and too many things are being asked of me and it's all I can do to keep it together. I can barely make dents in my to-do list... the only time I get things done is after-hours; the entire workday is damage control and squeezing in requests and making sure everything doesn't fall apart. I could work every waking hour of the week and it still wouldn't be enough. I'm exhausted, and worn out, and there's really nothing I can do about it but suck it up and just keep going. It's just really starting to get to me (obviously) and I don't really see a way out. My "I am Superwoman!" mentality from a month and a half ago when I took all this on, is wavering, to say the least. The car that I've hoisted over my head is starting to slowly bring me down to my knees, right before it crushes me. I need my second wind and I need it badly.

Just... ugh. I am starting to lose patience with a lot of people. I keep my smile pasted on my face, but I feel like you can hear through my voice how much of a strain it is to keep it there. I'm starting to get short with people, at least I feel myself hitting that point and quickly reel it in, but this is NOT good when you interact with lots of people every day and they expect you to be pleasant and friendly, not a frazzled bitch. Oddly enough, the company's internal values system (Integrity/Positive Behavior/Dedication/Professionalism) is actually the only thing keeping me from being a complete asshole. I live and die by the company credo, for better or worse. (Probably for better, in this case, since it's largely focused on a mandate of positivity and other such good-for-you things).

My motivation to do *anything* once I get home is next to nothing, I am starting to resent activities that do not allow me to go straight home and crash (I love my softball girls, and for the first part of the season, no matter how bad of a day I was having, going to practice or a game lifted my spirits considerably... but now? I still love them, but I'm just too damn tired to enjoy it. Also: adult softball and tae kwon do. TKD especially, it's so easy to skip, and whatever couple pounds I trimmed off over the last few weeks are back with a vengeance. I'm just so goddamned tired and lazy these days.) I need a vacation that I will never take. I am chained to that desk and I am far too anal-retentive to leave things in the hands of others until I get them sorted out for myself. (Notice how my perfectionism is outweighing my sanity. Heh.) I am taking a day off next week to go wedding dress shopping with a friend; so that's something. It's probably not going to be enough, but it's something.

Honestly, I'd love to just take the rest of the week off and recover, but I'm not sure that's actually feasible at this point. Two and a half more days, I can totally do it, right? ....

Anyway. I just needed to get that out there, in my own little corner of the world, so nobody feels bad about dumping this workload on me (I swear, I'm not bitter at anyone, just frustrated at the situation as a whole), or takes anything the wrong way, or anything anything anything other than me just venting. I'll be okay.

I just need it to be the weekend. Like, now.

Thursday, June 4, 2009

Because, Sometimes, Literal Translations Are Just Simply Awesome





You MUST watch the whole thing. It is hilarious. "MULLET WITH HEADLIGHTS!" (Also an alternate title for this blog post)

Discovered courtesy of @maddiemarie whose stellar, highly inappropriate blog can be found here.

Also: credit to dascottjr, the YouTube user who is responsible. It looks as though they have others. Squee!

Monday, June 1, 2009

Life is Life.

Once again, my original topics for today are being pushed aside. One was just me being angsty, the other was actually somewhat topical and relevant, but the article/blog post I just read are much heavier, much weightier, and I feel the other things can wait.

As I'm sure everyone knows, an abortion provider by the name of George Tiller was shot to death (in church, of all places) in Kansas this weekend. I don't care what your particular stance on abortion is - killing another human being is wrong. Murder is murder. Why would you defend the life of a child only to take that child's life away once it is grown? A life is a life, and if you are of the belief that life is valuable, which, well, I think most people will agree on - you have no right to play God. An adult life is no less valuable than that of a baby, though you'd never know it looking at the fanatics. Who gets to make that decision, anyway? Who gets to decide whose life is worth living? I'll give you a hint: none of us have that power. Or should have that power. (And for the record, I really don't think there is such a thing as "pro-abortion" - there are the two clearly defined sides of pro-choice and pro-life, I guess, but even if you are in support of a woman's right to choose, that is NOT the same thing as supporting irresponsible behavior or using abortion as a quick fix to a larger mistake. This is a longer argument than I'm going to spell out here, but as a supporter of choice, I feel the need to point out that pro-choice does not equal anti-life. Let me repeat that for you: Pro-Choice is not the same as Anti-Life.)

One of the blogs from my favorite artists, Ursula Vernon, touched on this today. Normally her entries are upbeat and hilarious, but when she hits on the heavy topics, she always makes sense. The kind of sense that generally transcends "taking sides" other than that of logic and humanity. Rather than try to paraphrase or even quote from it, I'm just going to link to it.

http://ursulav.livejournal.com/887803.html

Ursula also links to this article, which is quite possibly one of the saddest, most heartbreaking things I have read. It kind of gives you a new perspective on the issue. I hope you read it, if for no other reason than to lend support to the woman who had to go through this ordeal.

http://tinyurl.com/2mrlg

That is all I am going to say today, I'm going to get off my soapbox and go frost the cake I just made and maybe write up a whiny, angsty, woe-is-me entry for tomorrow. I'm not making any claims for anything today, except that life is valuable and whackjobs who go around killing in the name of their cause, well, I hope they get what they deserve.