Monday, August 31, 2009

Addendum (Things That Make Me Happy)

Ok, so I stomped away from my blog and landed on my newest favoritest blog ever, because this chick is crazy/awesome (possibly just crazy) in ways that even surpass me and I literally burst out laughing (LOL'ing, if you will) at her posts and she is awesome and since she made me not-stabby tonight I am going to direct you there.





Also, here is a picture of my booth at Market Day. Pretty awesome, right? (You can lie if you want.)




EDIT: I totally figured out how to make a picture a link. I rule.

EDIT2: I hate doing more than one post in a day. It screws up the aesthetics of mah blog. Dammit.

Caution: Today's Post is Heavy on The F-Bombs

Mrmph. Monday seems determined to kick my ass, in all of the usual ways, and I'm pretty much ready to let it. I'm exhausted.

I spent all of last week struggling with insomnia of sorts, which was actually kind of convenient because I was trying to scramble and get ready for Market Day, which I decided to do, AT the last minute, without an ounce of preparation or any idea what I was getting myself into. So, on a wing and a prayer (or however that expression goes), I went into full on Project Manager mode (thank you, day job, for teaching me how to pull miracles out of my ass) and actually managed to be ready by Thursday night. Whew. Which of course gave me time to second-guess myself, not nearly as much as I did Friday night before the show, but whatever.

All in all, the show was fun. It went by pretty quickly, I didn't sell much (which would be okay, except I kind of ate into my rent money to pay for all the stuff, BUT, with some creative juggling of finances, I should be okay), but I got a lot of compliments on my photos, which is always nice.

Sunday... I came home... and I slept. Like, hard core marathon slept. I got home at 2pm, crawled into bed, slept until 8, woke up to take ze pills and brush my teeth, and went back to bed. I was "awake" then, for about an hour, but I managed to fall back asleep until this morning in which my body was STILL not happy to be awake. That fucker.

Then I go to work and stay there until 7:30 which is awesome, I probably could have stayed longer but I was getting hungry and so I decided to pack it up... Ran a few errands over lunch, cursed out the ATM nearest to work which was broken (awesome), paid rent, etc. Got home today to find a letter from my old property telling me I was not allowed to take my name off the utilities and I'm like, dude, the fuck. I don't live there. Also, they sent it to my address at THAT property, which if they paid any attention at all, I DON'T LIVE THERE ANYMORE. So now I get to call them tomorrow and sort it all out. Awesome. I suspect the subleasers never picked it up in their name, which is why this is even an issue, but, shit, I am NOT going to be responsible for their gas bills. What the fuck. No. So now I'm annoyed at that. Although if my name is on the lease enough for them to yell at me about utilities, I'm going to go ahead and decide that I can keep my free membership to the gym. Even if I never go. I might, now, just to spite them. Fuckers.

Anyway. That aside... Well I don't suppose I have much to say, otherwise. Tomorrow is September, which is my favorite month (and not JUST because my birthday falls in it, ha).... God, I turn 25 this year. It's hard for me to feel old, though, when all of the people I work with are a few years older than me, it makes me feel like the baby of the group. So that's good, I guess? I dunno. The only real plans I have in place are to get shitfaced that night (dollar pints, what what) and sleep in really late the next day. How exciting.

Whatever.

I'm super broke and right now I am really craving ice cream and I totally don't have the funds to go get any... This depresses me on so many levels. It's all I really want and it costs like, what, five dollars, and I can't afford to go get it without making my rent check bounce. This fucking sucks. This whole fucking economy sucks. I should be able to support myself on my paycheck. I should be able to go out and buy a goddamn pint of ice cream whenever I want without having to worry about going in debt over it. I'm just so sick of this and it's not really going to get any better any time soon because I work too much and get paid too little and I have no energy for a second job even if I wanted one, and I can't make ends meet unless I live like a fucking nun and I'm just so sick of it. I'm sick of having to turn my friends down to do fun things because I can't pay my way. I'm sick of having to skip meals because I can't afford to buy any food. I'm sick of losing sleep over how I'm going to pay all my bills. I'm sick of being scared to check my bank balance. I'm just so fucking sick of it.

Fuck.

So, I'm done now. I'm thoroughly agitated and annoyed and the only thing that could make this post any angstier is an "omg I hate men" and perhaps a "just take my fucking heart out and STOMP THE FUCK ALL OVER IT ALREADY" or something and there you have it, the complete saga of obnoxiously depressing monologuing the likes of which we have all come to expect from this journal.

Tuesday, you better not fucking suck, or I'm punching you in the throat.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Issues, I Have Them

I don't have much to say (shocker) other than THANK GOD IT'S THE WEEKEND also I got paid today so that's nice, I'm in the black again, let's rejoice. Also: it's a long weekend, because in order to save my sanity, I took Monday off, for no particular reason than I needed a mental health day. I actually probably need a mental health week but I need to save my vacation time for my cousin's wedding and also for winter when my Seasonal Affective Disorder that I diagnosed myself with last winter or maybe the winter before that, I don't remember, either way, when that starts up there will inevitably be days where I don't want to get out of bed and thus I swill squander many a morning of PTO with those. Also: that was a brilliantly long sentence.

In other news, I may have made baby steps forward with doing something with some of my art. I should really pull a lot of my stuff off of deviantART and create an art blog or maybe just start an art blog and hope that I don't get accused of stealing my own work, cause that would be awkward, but it seems more professional to point someone to, say, a nicely designed WordPress blog than to the mess of (one of) my old blogs & ramblings on dA. I dunno. My point that I strayed from was that I might be participating in Market Day which would be awesome except the next one is next week and I am completey unprepared since it was kind of just a random whim that I even inquired about it since they were looking for more people. I'd need to get prints made and mounted possibly framed and probably some sort of business card type things made (and redesigned, because I have design ADD and couldn't POSSIBLY use the same ones I made two years ago, also, it was TWO YEARS AGO ew) but I haven't designed anything in a long time so that will be epically craptastic, and also there was some mention of needing a seller's sales tax permit which freaks me the eff out because I will probably do it wrong and then the IRS will chase me down. Also: it's next week. There is another one in September though so that would make me less want to stab myself in the head for being stupidly spontaneous and give me time to actually be prepared. I'm not even convinced that people would want to buy prints of my photos or anything but I was told that they looked at my stuff and I was welcome to participate which means (a) maybe my dA site isn't quite as worthless after all and (b) maybe I don't suck after all. Guys I don't even know what photos I should pick or how many I should do. This is a huge string of things that needs to be decided and we all know I am one of the most anal-retentive indecisive people ever and this could take ages.

Also. I do need a website. But I don't know how. So I'm thinking that this portfolio bloggy blog might not be a horrible idea and maybe I can migrate it to the only domain I own that is currently just a landing page for nothing in particular other than YAY I OWN MY OWN NAME ON TEH INTARWEBS so that has to count for something and HOLY BALLS I am just owning the run-on sentences tonight but that is kind of what my brain is doing so I apologize. So. If anyone wants to sit down with me sometime and teach me Basic Internet Skillz for Dummies, I'd appreciate it. I probably can't pay you. Because I'm poorer than shit right now. But I would appreciate it. I could even make you a certificate of appreciation and you could print it out and put it on your fridge and be like, what up. Because that's almost as awesome as cash, in the sense that it's not, at all. OH WELL. I don't really need to learn to have a website anyway. I can handle free blogger services. Except WordPress which still intimidates the shit out of me. YAY BLOGGER.

I swear I haven't been drinking.

So. I need to stop now, with my new goal of NOT writing mini-novels of posts. Although if they were at all remotely coherent/connected maybe I could actually WRITE a damn novel and try to get that published and maybe not be poor. Someday I will write the memoirs of my mother's crazy. That should allow me to retire early.

But, for now, I'm going to go pass the hell out because my five-hour nap this afternoon was clearly insufficient.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

If Brevity Is the Soul of Wit...

... then this blog is a soul-sucking wasteland of long-winded drivel. Holy fucking fuck. I don't even want to read this blog. I need to learn to trim it up a bit.

Anyway.

I'm in this super-maddening funk and I feel like I'm sliding into one of my depressive episodes so that's going to be fun and I'll probably try to go off the grid for a while so I don't bring everyone down with my whiny angst, since I don't even have anything specific to bitch about, other than zomg the world hates me woe is me WOE or something.

Also, my heart hurts. And I don't particularly like that either.

And that, amazingly, is all I have to say today.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

When Did I Get So Old?

It kind of sneaks up on you, the fact that there are events in your life that you can refer to in terms of "five years ago" and "ten years ago" and not be talking about when you weren't even old enough to drive. Time has become a much more abstract concept; when you are in school, you are very acutely aware of how old you are, what year it is, and how much further until Point X. (Be it senior year, college, graduation, or whatever.)

I'm getting fuzzy on when things fell on my past timeline, and I find myself referring to something, and then thinking to myself, "was that really four years ago already?" I can only imagine it's all downhill from here.

And yet, it's all so vivid like it JUST HAPPENED. I can remember when I was eighteen/nineteen and starting college and standing on the edge of the world and it was all MINE. Life was overflowing with endless possibilities and anything could happen, and it was the kind of excitement that there really aren't words to describe, but the kind where you know that your life path is about to change for the better.

There's really not a way to describe the feelings I felt when I started college. Beyond the normal ones of nervous, excited, freaked out, etc. The more intangible, unlabel-able ones.

Why I am I talking about this now? Because it just hit me that I haven't had that feeling in a long time.

I was going to drop something off with one of my former advisors at her office on campus - and it's weird when you realized you've crossed that threshold to the point where they fall more into the "friend" classification than "advisor" or "The Man" or whatever. At any rate, she warned me that it was move-in day and I quickly changed my mind and said I would just bring it by her house that evening. MOVE IN DAY. Traffic hell, for all those both involved and not involved.

But God, I remembered immediately how I felt on those days. Even my sophomore, junior, senior years. It was a feeling that I only felt when I moved into the dorms, the feeling of starting something new, an "adventure" if you will (hat tip to the ISU campaign ads, haha). The world was big and new and exciting, but THIS WAS MY YEAR (every year was, ha. I OWNED those four years.) and I was going to do something great or meet someone or find myself or SOMETHING. It didn't matter what.

Pulling back into Ames for the first time... checking in, getting the keys, opening the semi-musty dorm room door, to the room that was just waiting for me to return to it (I had the exact same room for three years). Waiting for my friends to get back, running down the hallway for reunion hugs, the smell of the new (and used!) books at the bookstore, walking back on campus for the first time, frowning at the new buildings that changed the familiar, comfortable landscape... God, it was the closest thing to coming home I've ever felt.

Combine that powerful feeling of invincibility and optimism, with the fact that it was always the beginning of autumn (my fave) and I was probably the happiest person in the world at those times. Sure, as the year trudged on and it turned into winter and classes started to kick my butt and all-nighters became real possibilities and some of that got lost... that first day or two back, I will never forget how I felt.

That feeling lasted a long time my first year, perhaps why I remembered it so well. I was finally breaking free from my nowhere small town and starting this awesome new experience and starting completely from scratch with meeting people and making friends (only one of my friends from high school had enrolled at State with me - and I rarely saw her). Even the stupid freshman orientation activities were full of this weird awesomeness. (I became one of the team leaders my later three years - I doubt I ever passed on that sense of excitement and wonder to any of my freshman underlings, but hey, I tried. I still remember my team leader from my freshman year - I wonder sometimes if any of them remember me? If I helped them on their path at all?). It was just more a way of looking at things in a new way and dammit I wish I had a brand-new adjective to use because I'm not even hitting it close. Freshman year was awesome the whole way through, I made some of my best friends and loved the dorm I lived in and had great experiences and, again, everything was new and awesome and wonderful.

Every now and then, when I'm on campus, especially if I'm by myself, I can still feel a glimpse of that. I was so connected to the University - the people, sure. But mostly just the place. It's both horrible and wonderful being so close to it still. My heart aches for the fact that I'm now a stranger to it... I'm an alumni, sure, but it doesn't belong to me anymore. It's not the same. But I draw a lot of strength from the place, and it's so weird to have that sort of attachment to anything, I never felt that rooted to anywhere in my life, not even in the town I grew up in, lived in for years and years.

I sound pretty crazy, I'm sure of it. But I am looking back now and I realize that this is the third fall that school has started up without me. That ISU is opening its doors for thousands of other students, and I'm just a tally in its history. While, to me, it was everything.

I miss that so much. When I turn away from that to face my pile of bills and overdrawn bank accounts and long hours at work and perpetual exhaustion... sure, maybe I'm waxing poetic about how great it was. BUT, it was. It really was. Even at the time, I knew it was special, and I tried to remember that when the latter three years drug on. And I don't want to sound whiny - I got the job my degree earned me, I am perfectly happy where I am, and there's a lot to be said for being a responsible adult. But part of me will always ache for the carefree, eager youth that had everything ahead of her. I miss that stupid crazy blind optimism. I miss not knowing what was ahead. And I miss it most of all this time of year, when that feeling was as strong as it ever got.

I wish I could hold on to it. Maybe it would change my current dreary outlook. Being an adult is so... gray. Boring. Mundane. I don't know. It's lost its sparkle, its shine. It's routine. Not like it used to be, when everything was just so fucking... new. I miss that.

It was six damn years ago, that I first came to this town. Six years. And I can still feel it like it was yesterday - it is one of the most vivid memories I have. I can't even begin to share them all... but I feel them all in my heart and I know that they'll always be there.

Ok, done being sappy now. I need to go kick a puppy or something to restore my bitchy equilibrium and all will be right with the world.

Monday, August 17, 2009

SuperHappyFunTime

Instead of bitching about things, AS PER USUAL, I am going to instead share some photos from this past weekend with my lovely girls. Because I need to take the time to remind myself of happy stuff now and then. :)



Me with Birthday Girl Steph aka @stephadamo


Me with my former roommate, the lovely and talented Molly!
Who sells her paintings on Etsy!



And here is us making several attempts to take a group photo, unassisted by bystanders! (They're all cute, even if only one of them was "successful")




Anyway, that's all for today. You may revel in our hotness, now.

Thursday, August 13, 2009

And Now, For Something Competely... The Same

One of the trees outside my apartment/house is starting to shed some of its leaves. They haven't even changed color, yet. But it feels like fall all the same. Which I hate. Because I love fall. And if it becomes fall, it becomes very difficult for me to keep up with my sulky mood.

Not that I particularly enjoy being sulky, or anything, but right now, it's what suits me. I'm hitting kind of a burnout phase right now and I just really need a break from things. I'm being revisited by financial stress again, which always makes for a really pleasant time, and I'm pushing myself to do too much as usual and I just need to stop and rest and slow down and breathe.

My apartment is not unpacked or nearly as settled as I would like it to be, and as much as having my sister around has been not as bad as I had anticipated, all of her shit is everywhere and I need to wait for her to leave to really do much else (tomorrow is the last day of her internship, so it's soon) but also because I miss the solitary existence of having my place all to myself. I can come home from work at 5:30 and curl up in bed and sleep through the night if I want... I don't get harassed for "sleeping all the time" or a string of phone calls because I won't pick up my phone (I was actually having a really good dream earlier goddammit and I wanted to keep going with it) and I don't have to answer to anyone or worry about anyone and I don't have to entertain anyone and I can just be a happy little hermit and that's what I WANT dammit. Mostly I want my apartment to be all put away so I don't have to be stressed out about that anymore either but that's a different point, I think.

And, this is hopefully the last I will say on this, because I am losing the last sympathies I still had in regards to the manner, but my heart still aches over things (people) (person) that I have no control over. It's not even so much the same type of hurt that it was before. My angst has, generally, subsided to a manageable point. The feelings are still there, as ever, and I don't anticipate those going away anytime soon, because they've just been there so damn long that I've learned to accept that they are going to linger for a while. Fine, whatever. That's my own personal issue to deal with and I'll shut up about it and figure it out on my own time.

The current thing, that bothers me, are the "side effects" of this whole fiasco. I miss all the facets of our former friendship before I decided to be all assertive and proactive and stupid. I miss hanging out with him. I miss being able to talk to him, at all, without feeling like a giant idiot like I do now. Obviously, I still could, I didn't destroy things that badly, but I'm not sure I'm okay with that yet. It's still too weird, too soon. I would feel awkward. If I hadn't gone and messed everything up, then everything would be like it was, and nobody would be the wiser. I mean... I don't regret what I did, I don't regret speaking up and telling him how I felt... I just wished things had gone differently, obviously, and I wish I was more capable of letting go and moving on like the rest of the world seems to have the aptitude to be able to do.

It's beyond frustrating, really, wanting something you know you can't have. Even more so when you KNOW you can't have it, but that doesn't stop you anyway. I know that no good can possibly come from hanging on to all of this, and yet, I can't make myself let go. I don't know. Maybe some part of me deep down knows/thinks/feels that it's not supposed to end like this, not just yet, keep waiting, you never know what could happen... and the rest of me just kind of shrugged and went, "why not? it's not like we've got anything better to do."

And I still see him often and I still sometimes meet his eye and I have no idea how to go back to things the way they were or what he thinks of me and if he thinks I'm a complete idiot and is silently judging me (I doubt it, he's far too nice, but I'm just going to let my paranoid Girl Brain continue to run for a while) and I don't even know.

Also, related to my previous post, and this one, just so I can FOR REAL YO finish all this off (for now, we know I won't shut up about it, possibly, because I am that lame), in conjunction with the "you're a freakshow and you'll probably die alone" take-home message from last Saturday, one of his lines of commentary, just to drive in the proverbial knife in, was that ONE time when I was still trying to figure shit out, and said friend had the briefest of encounters with said boy, and was more than willing to dispense his opinion, which is his unfailing sentiment that he is so completely not into you, at all, ever, and I was like, ok, here's the thing. I've known him for a full much much much longer than you, and I know him better than you. I also know that if he says he isn't interested, that means, well, he isn't interested... but you can't take 30 seconds of behavior that has followed 3 pitchers of beer and make a gospel statement. There are always other factors at play. Shit, if I was basing everything from that evening, I would have concluded that we'd never been friends and that I had no business even talking to him in the first place. I also know that he'd been having a rough day. That evening was a horrid example and not enough for you to get all Judgypants on any sort of attachment I might still have and yet he still continues to make me feel like even more shit for it, because I know that I'm still stuck on him and I know that it's stupid and honestly right now I feel sort of bad that I'm blowing him off but I am not in the mood to hang out with him and his earnest if not misguided viewpoints on me and the things in my life.

(Wow, I was more pissed than I thought. Yeesh.)

So yeah, that's that. I'm going to be an idiot and feel what I feel for as long as my uncontrolled, subconscious self feels the need to feel it, and that will be that. I'm sorry for being annoying about it, but it has to go somewhere, and keeping things locked up to myself has really never been a successful formula for my well-being.

BUT, unless something completely new or major happens, this will hopefully be the last I saw on it, and this particular angst can go die a quiet death in the ignored corner of the back of my brain. Hopefully.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

"Be Less."

Well. Fuck.

I've been trying all day to figure out what exactly it was that I wanted to say, to pinpoint what exactly it was that is bothering me, and I'm still coming up with nothing more than fuzzy irritation, so I may as well just say what comes to mind.

Anyway. I am in a mood of extreme agitation and, as previously mentioned, I can't 100% pinpoint WHY. Well, I can, but I can't. Wrapping my words around it is proving to be the difficult part. I am just very... unsettled. It's actually taken me a large part of the day to sit down and get words out, having an extensive online chat with one of my girls helped a lot, I feel much better now, but I'm still going to finish what I started just so I can exorcise those demons and be done with it.

I don't know quite how or why it came up last night, but I asked my guy friend for some pointers, you know, cause I trust his opinion and he owes me for setting him up with his girlfriend, and I'm so clearly doing so awesome on my own. Anyway, his responses were in earnest and I know he meant well and was just trying to help, but holy hell if I didn't go home feeling completely miserable about myself and how much of a social reject that I apparently was. I got a laundry list of do this, do that, here is what about you is unappealing, here's what you need to do differently, these are turn-ons, these are turn-offs... Brutally honest shit that, well, he was probably right on. Sometimes, though, constructive criticism is just criticism. Instead of gaining any sort of new, valuable insight, I feel like the implication was that I was merely a closed-off, control-freak bitch who had not a prayer of making a connection with the opposite sex, and however accurate that may be, it fucking hurt. I'm pretty laid back and I can usually take things in stride, but there are certain areas that if you poke at them enough, they can unravel you.

I've alternated between being hurt and being pissed and neither one is solving anything. He really thought he was being helpful, and he really did mean well, and maybe from a guy's point of view - that's how it is. Maybe his points were valid and maybe he was right. I can't even remember everything because at some point my brain stopped processing them as helpful tips and pointers and started counting up all of my personal flaws as they were being checked off some sort of imaginary list.

I acknowledge that I have an intimidating personality. I acknowledge that I should really learn to tone it down a bit. And perhaps I am just one of those people that you have to learn to like. However, apparently, as far as the whole dating scene goes, in my current state, I am undesirable and will never have any success with anyone. The only way for me to land a man is, apparently, to become someone I am not, and hide my actual personality, and be some airheaded bimbo in order to snag some dude that only cares about getting a piece of ass. That's not particularly what I want. At all. I don't like that I should have to change, to "be less" (direct quote) - it's like I'm stuck back a few decades in the past, where women were supposed to be quiet and demure and there for the taking, except now I have to be quiet and demure and slutty and suggestive and passive and unopinionated, and you know what? I'd rather just be alone. I'm not saying I'm in love with my personality. I know that it's very strong and assertive and laced with a "fuck off" independence. But you know what? That's how I keep myself from getting stomped all over. It's what makes me, me, and it makes me good at my job which at the end of the day is more important than some temporary boy toy that doesn't really give a shit about me anyway. It's what keeps me whole. And, really, if it's so unlikely that I will win over a guy given my current set of personality traits and flaws? So be it. I'm pretty sure I'm okay with being alone, because at least then I get to be myself.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

The Blog! It lives!

I've been tweeting like a madwoman today/tonight which I think is a clear indicator that somewhere in my brain I feel like I have things to say and am exercising every available outlet to purge them. Which is funny, cause I don't really have anything to say, I apparently just feel like communicating for the sake of communicating.

As per usual, I cannot be bothered to check to see when my previous post was or what it was about, so I have no idea where I may have left off in the saga that is the Life of Kelly. 

Work is busy as usual. I'm officially done covering a maternity leave (huzzah!) so I'm back to my normal workload, which, oddly enough, decided to ramp itself up on me yesterday so I'm actually busier than I was last week, but whatever, we're cool. Now that I apparently have "gaps" I will probably get more stuff dumped on me (cause my regular workload isn't sufficient, I guess) since we're still so severely understaffed but that's par for the course. I almost felt bad today - one of the other gals, who's been getting so much stuff assigned her way and is just super bogged down, says that whenever she tries to turn down extra stuff, she gets told that she's not being a team player. Specifically, they told her she wasn't being a team player... like me. While on some level, I'm glad that management likes me enough to use me as an example, it kind of makes me feel like the proverbial teacher's pet. I am definitely trying to make myself look good, yes, but I don't want to make other people look bad. Besides, it's not everyone else's fault that I don't really have a life outside of work that I am willing to chain myself to my desk and stay late and wear myself ragged.  So, while somewhat flattered, I feel bad that I am being set as an example... especially if it's going to cause my fellow peeps to start resenting me. We've got a pretty tight-knit department... we don't need any rifts. Especially right now while morale is kind of sketchy. [Side note: 36-hour work week has been extended to October. FML. I am considering getting a part time job but I don't have the energy for it, and I don't want to go do retail, because I know the type of hours they rape you into. It's quite the conundrum.]

Other than that... well things are pretty unremarkable, like usual. In case you were unaware, I have moved into my new apartment, and while I was on an unpacking frenzy at first, I've kind of slowed down. It's exhausting and overwhelming and it's kind of like a puzzle, because I can't put this box away until that stuff gets moved into a location that's being occupied by another box over here. That, and like I said, it's exhausting. Sometimes I just want to chill out and freaking relax after all the stress of moving.

I love the new apartment though. Despite its as-yet-unpacked nature, it's super cute and it's going to be adorably cozy when it's all put together. It's a downgrade in size from the previous place, but I'm totally going to be able to make it work. Quite possibly not until my sister is gone for the summer and I can quit tripping over her stuff, but, soon enough. I've got a big enough entryway nook to serve as my office, effectively replacing the need for the 2nd bedroom I used to have, a larger albeit narrow bathroom (shower pressure isn't quite as strong as I'm used to, but surprisingly, I think it may actually be getting my hair cleaner. Of course, I did just switch shampoos also, so that's not a valid conclusion by any  means), an awesomely big kitchen with unfortunately less cupboard space than before (but the old apt had an absurd amount of cupboards - I got kind of spoiled), an adorable living room with hardwood flooring AND an attached closet identical in size/layout to the one in my bedroom, which also shares the hardwood flooring. I'm not crazy about the yellow walls in the bedroom, but I do kind of enjoy the fact that the rooms have different colored walls and that the whole place isn't just Apartment White. I don't know. I can't wait to see it when it's done, I'm going to have to host some sort of gathering where wine will be had and I can hopefully use my kitchen (aka box storage land) and make some goodies. 

Other good things about this apartment? It's cheaper, it's closer to work, I have cool neighbors, and access to free laundry. And it feels like a HOME, not an apartment. (Being part of a large house helps). I've even been sleeping better here, though that could just be a coincidence.

What I don't like about it, is that it seems to emphasize my alone-ness. Not that living alone in a 2BR apartment for two years didn't do the same, but it seems more noticeable now. Maybe because it IS a 1 BR and by default that means only one person can ever live there, comfortably. Maybe because I've settled into a smaller, cozier place where I plan to take up residence for a while. I don't know what it is, I can't put my finger on it, but for as much as I love it, there's a small part of me that feels a bit empty inside, in it.

So. There's that.

I don't know. I'm losing steam now and it's probably time for me to call it a night. I've got more to say, I'm sure, I always/usually do (including some epic rants that need ranted). Life continues on much as it has, some things change and evolve and some things stay the same and I wish I had a better handle on some of my emotions sometimes, possibly I'm just PMSing (I almost teared up at a movie preview tonight - "The Time Traveler's Wife" looks like it could wreak havoc with me if I were to watch it. On the flipside, my sister and I went to see "The Ugly Truth" tonight which was so very inappropriately hilarious... I've been wary of the shit that's been passing for chick flicks lately, because apparently I am turning into some sort of movie snob, but I thoroughly enjoyed this one.) and I'm so very much digressing from whatever I was going to say but it was probably just going to be whiny drivel anyway, probably related to the fact that (a) boys suck and (b) I have a hard time letting go of things and (c) wanting what you can't have is incredibly annoying and (d) dammit all to hell anyway. Um, so yeah. Bed. Sleep. Yes. That is what I was going to attempt to do.

There could possibly be a new addition of the Mom Drama newsletter coming out soon too, so keep an eye on your inboxes. I just need to figure out what the hell is going on, first. ;)

xoxo

k.