Monday, November 30, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
This is the most hilarious thing I have ever seen. Possibly because I know everyone in it and that made it. Even if you don't, I am sure you will still likely enjoy it.
So, please watch, then go here and vote for it (bump it) - even if you don't like it, you are reading this blog so you probably like ME, so please do me the favor of voting for it so my peeps can win.
Out Do w/ Mtn Dew on 12seconds.tv
Monday, November 23, 2009
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Baaaaaaasically... one of my male friends requested my company for the evening, and since I hadn't hung out with him in quite a while, I obliged. Basically, I unknowingly walked into a trap. I was ambushed - AMBUSHED - although according to some of my friends I probably should have seen it coming. Naturally, I didn't. So he sat there and proceeded to profess his affections and stare at me awkwardly and I felt an immense instinct to flee. Instead I drank my beer like a good girl and let him finish. I couldn't give him the answer he wanted; I couldn't really answer at all. What do you say? I was caught extremely off guard, to my own stupidity. And how dare he presume to know what I want or need and that I would automatically just be swept off my feet and blindly be carried off into the metaphorical sunset. Barf. I don't play hard to get, which I am sure is the impression I give off. I AM hard to get. If I don't react, it doesn't mean "try harder", it means "go away." The guys that I've been with or even flirted with - it's obvious, when I am interested. Trust me, you'll know. Maybe. (I have an exceptional poker face [cue Lady Gaga here, I guess] - when my exboyfriend bared his soul last April for his apparent need to apologize, I just sat there blankly, my face a perfect mass of expressionless-ness. It's probably his fault and his doing, but whatever, that's how it is now. So maybe nobody knows. Maybe I keep my feelings under wraps better than I think, for better or worse. I don't know. I digress.) The more you try to push me, the more I'll try to run. That is, perhaps, what separates me from most other girls. I am fiercely protective of my independence and I don't like being told what I should do or feel. Perhaps this makes me a bitch? Maybe.
But, going back to the original source of this rant, I've never thought about him like that, except insofar as to quickly dismiss the idea as being completely improbable and probably disasterful. That, and he's dated not one but two of my friends, which, by the law of Girl Code, not only places him off limits anyway, but the fact that both of them were so quick to end things - shouldn't that raise a red flag? Something didn't click, yeah fine. I didn't ask for too many details as it was none of my business, but maybe I should have. I don't know. Maybe it's possible that I need to learn to let things grow on me. I don't really know. I'm just very, very... vexed.... right now. That is how I can sum it up. This all vexes me greatly.
I don't really know how I found myself here... I had quite a nice, quiet, tranquil stretch of browsing male specimens at my leisure, perhaps getting my interest piqued here and there, but nothing serious. Sometimes I misjudge and fall for guys that are interested. Meh. It happens to the best of us. I am quite used to things being one-sided on my side; things being one-sided on the other side, perplexes me quite a bit.
However much against my better judgment as of late (and at the pushing of various friends), I've dipped my toe into the dating pool and quite frankly I'm ready to go back and sit on the sidelines and sunbathe, so to speak, to complete the metaphor. I'm quite content where I am, thank you, and the thought of getting wrapped into the angst and uncertainty of the dating game (or whatever) causes me a bit of mental distress. The "fuck off" that I used to have stamped on my forehead has apparently faded away, and apparently I now appear approachable and even available. Fuck. I prefered being a haughty bitch, quite frankly. It was comfortable and easier.
I know, I know. I pick the weirdest things to be irritated by. How dare these boys try to court me and like me and say nice things to me. Gawd. I'm a freakshow and I don't deny that. However, I get very, very uncomfortable if I find myself in a situation I don't want to be in. I honestly don't know what my malfunction is. AND I DON'T LIKE GETTING CAUGHT OFF GUARD. (Perhaps I should feel a tad bit sorrier for doing something similar to one of MY friends a couple months ago... except... it's different when I do it ;) ...) *awkward* I also don't know what I want, I'll admit that. I do know what I don't want and what I don't like... and that includes someone being so cocky as to presume that I would just immediately take the bait or that they know how I feel. They don't. The only person that knows how I feel is ME, and only if you are lucky, will I share that with you. For all my social media narcissism, I am still a very private person when it comes to things that matter. You don't really know me. You only know the me that I allow you to see. Sometimes these are the same; sometimes they are not. You think you know the difference? I have my doubts.
Maybe the problem is that, amongst these new options, none of them are the one I want. Apparently, I would rather be an idiot on a hopeless pursuit than actually go for something attainable. Maybe that's what protects me. Maybe I like to have to earn it. I don't really know. I do know, is that if it doesn't click, it doesn't click. You can't force chemistry. I'm not saying that I wouldn't consider it - I weigh everything and I give it appropriate thought, but, again. You can't force it. I acknowledge this, both ways. You can't force it, I can't force it. I'm not stupid. Hopeless, maybe, but not stupid.
Soooo to make a long story short... there was absolutely no coherent thought process behind any of this and it's more of word vomit, really, because I can't figure out what is bothering me other than that I am apparently angry that boys like me right now. The wrong boys like me, I guess. Bah. I am a whiny, whiny annoying girl that deserves to be bitchslapped, I guess. Sue me.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Monday, November 16, 2009
I feel like I've been ignoring my blogs. Every time I am online I see my little bookmarked tab and I want to write something but I can't get my head in order and so I put it off for next time.
Well eventually you do that and "next time" becomes "holy crap I have a lot of random stuff in my head that needs to be set free" and then you end up with an entry like this.
And so, I present to you... a collection of random thoughts. This should probably fill my blogging quota for a week.... or two... if it's too long, you can just come back and read a different section every day. Prolong the fun! I could just break them into little individual posts, but that would be unlike me, so I'm not going to. Sorry.
* * *
I have begun "construction" on what I am deeming my "photo wall" - perhaps the quotation marks are unnecessary, as if you walk into my apartment, you will clearly see what I mean.
My walls are made of such a surface that I can't just pound nails into it and hang whatever strikes my fancy, as I'd been able to do with my cookie-cutter off-white walls of my last two places. No, my only option here is to actually drill holes in the wall, which is a tad frightening, or to get creative. I can't function without things on my walls. It's unnatural. I have discovered the beauty of 3M command hooks, the little ones. They need a bit of modifying (read: breaking) to accommodate my lovely cheapo frames from Wal-Mart, but they work just fine, and don't mangle my walls.
I am not sure what my feelings are on my progress. I have spent less than $15 in this particular endeavor so it wouldn't be the end of the world if a Plan B was needed. It almost feels like too much, on one wall. And yet, I don't want to take any of them down. I like being surrounded of images of me and my friends. It makes me happy.
It reminds me that no matter how crabby I get or how shitty things are going, it's really not that bad. Sometimes I am able to step outside myself, if even for a moment, and realize that I am exactly where I want to be. I wouldn't trade anything for all the money in the world. The photos just serve as reminders.
They are also carefully selected to be images of myself that I actually like. Through some means of positive reinforcement, I hope it helps me to stop hating the way I look. Cause sometimes? I look pretty damn hot.
* * *
I was at a wedding this weekend. It was pretty and elegant and swanky and had to have been hella expensive. And you know what? It made me not in the least bit feel inclined to get married. It's weird what triggers that. I'm pretty content where I am. I think I have established myself well enough to know that I don't NEED anyone. Would it be nice? Of course. Is it a total tragedy if I don't? Nope.
It's funny, though. I feel like, suddenly!, people are feeling inspired to set me up. If I had a dollar for every time someone said (or even hinted), "hey, I know this guy..." It's not like I'm completely *opposed* to the idea... except, I am. Unless I trust their judgment completely, I'd rather trip and fall into my own messes. I feel like there's a lot of pressure when I'm supposed to hit it off with a friend of a friend. Cause if it doesn't work? I feel horrible, and I end up avoiding the original friend out of guilt.
SPEAKING of, I guess I lose my blogging license (especially as a single twenty-something) if I don't even mention the fact that, yes, this has been occurring recently, and yes, I've been relenting. I'm not going to go into detail, though... this blog is just widely distributed enough that it could lead to much awkwardness... and besides? If I'm not interested? It's really no better than breaking up with someone via a blog, if I say it here and not to them. I'd really rather not be THAT kind of bitch. Just... there haven't been the butterflies. Which is code for everything else. Just because I seem to be perpetually single, doesn't mean I am going to lower my expectations. Note I said expectations, not standards - those don't budge. I wouldn't even give anyone a second chance if they didn't pass my ridiculously picky threshold of acceptability. They've all been perfectly nice guys, but... eh. Lacking. And it's probably just me being me and I'm not going to write anyone off, I suppose... but. I'm not going to force things, because that is just a horrible, horrible idea... if things happen, they'll happen. And that's all I am going to say on the matter.
* * *
Holy damn it's already mid-November. Christmas has barfed all over all the stores and airwaves and holyshit, it's coming fast. I love Christmas, don't get me wrong. I love the smells and the sounds and the warm fuzzies and the lights and mostly I just feel really (guilty?) that I'm not going to be able to afford to really do much for way of gifts this year. I mean, I've been cheaping out on my friends the last couple years (sorry guys), but I at least like to get nice things for my immediate family. I don't know. Perhaps a lot of plasma donation is in my future. A second job would be ideal, but I really have my doubts as to if that is even feasible with my weirdo schedule.
* * *
So. After TKD tonight (which I continue to slack off at going... I always feel good when I leave, but somehow that's not enough to get my tired/lazy self there to begin with), I ended up subbing in on a rec league volleyball team with some gals I work with. It was so much fun. I've missed playing volleyball. (it's been a while... as evidenced by the fact that my arms hurt like hell right now and probably will tomorrow, too). One of the redeeming facets of high school was all the sports I got to play. Well, volleyball and softball, really. I hated track and I sucked at basketball. I actually threw in the towel for BB after my sophomore year, and it killed me to actually QUIT something, but it was for the best. Track, I did anyway. Why? I don't rightly know. The problem, of course, with getting nostalgic about how much I missed playing those particular sports, is that it dredges up all the bitterness and unfairness from my bitchwhore coaches that really, really kind of ruined it for me.
INTRINSIC MOTIVATION, that was the word I was looking for in my previous blog post.
Ahem. Carry on.
I really loved those sports. I worked my ass off. I didn't suck. And yet, the experiences were tainted for me. Fuck it. I don't want to get sad. And I really don't want to talk about high school. Possibly ever, on here.
Anywho. It was fun and it occurred to me that if I could find some sort of workout that was equally as fun, I would do it a hell of a lot more often. I got a GOOD workout in tonight, that much was apparent. But generally? Working out is a chore. Running, exercise equipment, workout dvds, etc etc etc. I don't do them because I hate them. It is not fun for me. It is something I dread doing and thus I have to motivation to do it. So. I need something FUN that I will actually ENJOY doing and look forward to. Anyone got any suggestions? I'm all ears.
* * *
And for our daily dose of Pathetic.
On Friday I went out for lunch with a group of my coworkers. I am trying really really really hard to not eat out much, since this prior week to payday, I was literally juggling around a net worth of less than $20 and trying to figure out how the hell I was going to even make it. But, it was payday, and it was about $5, so fuck it. Once a week. Maybe twice. I should be okay, right?
Anyway. I'm digressing.
You know those Chinese Zodiac placemats that every single Chinese restaurant in America has? With the animals and cryptic blurbs? I'm a Year of the Rat. "Ambitious yet honest, prone to spend freely." All fair and true. Probably why I'm poor. It also says I seldom make lasting friendships, which I disagree with. Whatever. It says I am compatible with Dragons and Monkeys and should stay away from Horses. So I naturally examined who my matches were. Wouldn't you know, the guy I am stupidly enamored with? yeah he's a Year of the Monkey.
So there you have it, folks. Fate, as written on a cheap Chinese placemat.
* * *
I have no idea why I am still up. Seriously. It's midnight now. I'm going to get all of seven hours of sleep. I am tired but generally I toss and turn for at least an hour before I fall asleep, so I guess maybe I'm trying to wear myself out at my computer. I dunno. Insomnia sucks, morning sucks worse, and I just want it to be the weekend again so I can sleep more. I have boring hobbies.
* * *
Grr. My cat is such a spoiled little bitch. She's all up into everything now and I can't really make her stop because I'm not home half the time to make the point sink in. She doesn't really BREAK anything so it's not like she's being destructive... just annoying. And then she looks at me and she's all cute and I swear at her but don't really mean it and then we each go about our merry little way.
Further proof that I probably should not procreate.
* * *
Ok, this is getting absurdly long, even for me. If you're still here, um, I feel like I should award you a prize or a gold star or something. Thanks? Congrats? I don't really know what to say here. Awkward.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
Monday, November 9, 2009
Basically, I end up in an extremely unsettled and overwhelmed state and it's hard to breathe properly and my chest feels tight and I just want to cry and every person that I encounter somehow serves to make it worse. It's really hard to explain. It's like being on the verge of panicking, without ever quite crossing over.
And I can step out of myself and look at it and know that it's completely unwarranted and bizarre, but there is nothing I can do to stop the feeling of being suffocated.
I realize there are triggers, right now. I'm trying to get all my banking information switched over with my bank's merger that became effective today, so all automatic payments continue to directly pay themselves out without a hitch. I have that stupid court statement from my mother that I need to write. And, probably most significantly, my prescription on my anti-depressants ran up on Friday and I was too busy to call the pharmacy to have them fax an extension request to my doctor's office to refill it, so I had to ration myself all weekend. I ended up taking one of my "old" pills yesterday - they're of a similar chemical makeup, so it had to be better than nothing, but judging by how this morning turned out, apparently they're not enough anymore. I can usually tell when I've been off my meds for about a day, which usually prompts me to check to make sure I've taken my other pill also (9 times out of 10, if I forget one, I forget both), so it's kind of a handy checks-and-balances system. But with my old Rx, if I missed a day or even two, I was mostly just run down and a little out of it. I've never felt so outright panicky and anxious before. Granted, it's been more than a day, so that couldn't have helped.
It was so strange, though. I woke up this morning and I was perfectly fine. I was up early enough to even eat a bowl of cereal for breakfast. I never have time for breakfast. I go about my business but no less than forty five minutes at work and I was ready to cry every time something else added itself to my to-do list, or someone called, or even talked to me. Even more so when my computer would lock up and I couldn't do anything. Like there was too much pressure, or something. But there isn't. It was a Monday, for Christ's sake, off of a fairly tame workweek last week. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. I hate being helpless about such stupid shit.
I wish I could explain it better. I just sound kind of whiny and crazy right now and I acknowledge this, but... BAH. It sucks.
Also, I have $10 spread out over my two checking accounts. Four days til payday... wheeee!
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Like cleaning my kitchen. Doing some dishes. Posting pictures to facebook. Going for a walk.
I have a "writing assignment", so to speak, that I need to complete. Basically - I need to write an Official Statement to be used in my mother's divorce case. It's either that or I haul myself up to her town in the middle of the week to testify. Obviously, I'd much rather just write. For a couple reasons... I don't want to drive all the way up there, I don't want to take the time off of work, it would be awkward and uncomfortable, and, mostly, I'm a much better writer than I am an ad-lib speaker. However - if you know me IRL, you've heard this dramatic episode probably more times than you ever needed. It's a long-ass story and there's a reason I've never written it down. It's too damn exhausting to think about.
Well. I got a text message this morning telling me she needed it in her hands Wednesday. SO I really have no choice but to hammer it out, now. I just can't seem to focus. There are SO MANY things that need said, or could be said. Bah.
So instead I am clearly writing in my blog. You know, as a warm up. I've at least started a Word doc for the Officialness, so, y'know. We're making progress. I've also got 80% of my dishes clean - they were starting to pile up. So, it's been a productive day. Shockingly, because I was up at 9. Not so shockingly, because I slept a lot yesterday. Which was because I tailgated all day and got really drunk and really couldn't do anything BUT sleep. It happens, I guess.
I feel like it's been a while since I've really blogged, and I've got lots to say! but all the thoughts are so disjointed they probably need separate entries and so they don't belong here.
Instead, I'll leave you with a pic from Halloween.