Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Which isn't, like, epic or anything, but... I feel awkwardly old. To be fair, it's kind of nice knowing that I can still pick up younger men. And I kind of suspected he was younger than me anyway, so I don't know why this is unsettling me.
I think I'll go ahead and focus on the fact that I am clearly hot. In fact, I hope when I am in my late thirties, I can still pick up 22-year-olds. If, you know, God forbid, I'm still single then. Let's not think on this too much.
I asked my friend about him. All she would tell me is that he is "fun" and I probably didn't want to hear anything else and gave an emoti-wink. Which is kind of what I figured, but, let's be fair. It's not like we had any meaningful conversations. I apparently couldn't even remember his name correctly.* I'm such a hussy. So it's not like I had some accurate, fully-formed impression anyway. Or even extraordinarily high expectations. It was a boy at a bar, for fuck's sake.
*Disclaimer: I may or may not have tried to facebook stalk him yesterday but the whole not-really-remembering-his-name-until-she-said-it kind of prevented that. Oops.
Anyway. That was kind of also as I suspected, so whatevs. My instincts were pretty much dead-on all around so I don't know what the big deal is or why I even care. Let's face it, I'm not really looking for anything serious right now anyway, and having some random boy toy might be kind of fun. I've never really had one of those. The idea kind of appeals to me.
As long as I can remain objective and not terribly attached. I don't need the drama and I don't really need anything other than a distraction to fully, finally get over that other guy. (I'm not sure the term "rebound" applies since, you know, we didn't actually date, but I was pretty heavily emotionally invested, so it kind of counts, right? Right.) Whatever, he's young, he can deal with it. And I get to be the awesome, classy, sophisticated older woman. So it all works out quite nicely.
So, this could all very well be a bad idea. But aren't the best ideas sometimes also the very worst ones? ;)
Sunday, March 28, 2010
Friday, March 26, 2010
Probably not, because I didn't really write about it.
I didn't write about the sort-of epiphany I had at work, or the brilliant revelations I had regarding my career. I wrote them, but I didn't share. I didn't tell you how I felt like Superwoman and how I felt invincible and bad-ass and in general AWESOME.
I didn't tell you, so now I have to try and explain why it's such a shock to my system that I feel like such shit now. Because in the supposedly linear story I've given you, things went from near rock bottom to surviving to okay to content and that's sort of where it stayed.
I never posted my pages of scribbles from when I was feeling awesome.
It's probably that I was riding high on anti-anxiety pills which turned me into a motherfucking productivity machine. I was getting shit done. Both at work, and outside of it. Unworthy boy to get over? Check. Apartment to clean? Check. New financial endeavor to launch? Check. Put it in front of me - check check check.
And then, inevitably, I began to slow down.
Energy was replaced by lethargy; motivation was replaced by apathy.
But I soldiered on - the bar had been re-set.
And I couldn't seem to find my way again.
I've been tinkering with my dosages so I can feel both simultaneously human and balanced. I've been failing. If I take the dose I'm supposed to, I feel cloudy and perpetually tired, but less emotionally fragile. If I try to scale back at all, I feel almost transparent and almost scared, but at least I can wake up and drag myself out of bed in the morning.
So, slowly, everything starts to creep back in.
I'm not, as it turns out, able to shut my emotions off completely, not to something that's been plaguing me for so long. They fade back in, inconveniently and ruthlessly, making me want to throw things or go for a run (crazytalk, I know) or... anything. I've been leery of trying to resume our friendship... I'm not even sure what's left. My first attempt was a casual inquiry on if our group was meeting up for drinks after work. Maybe. Followed by Bad day. Going for dinner instead. Have fun. Naturally, my first instinct was to think dinner? with who? and was followed with who cares? Quit being a dumbass. It's nice that my angel and devil can converse quietly while I stare dumbly at my phone.
It's stupid shit like that, that makes me unsure if I can even be bothered to pretend we're even still friends. How? We never talk anymore, we never hang out anymore, and I may as well not even exist to him. At all. (And only the first two are even sort of my fault.)
Fine, fuck it. We can be mere acquaintances who exchange pleasantries when the situation requires it.
I don't give a fuck.
Except I do.
My mood swings are giving me whiplash.
* * *
Anyway. Back to the medicated zombie sitch... it sucks. It sucks because I'm letting a lot of things in my extracurricular life go to shit. Largely, I'm letting myself down. Worse, I'm letting other people down.
I skip my taekwondo class a lot. To sleep, sometimes to work. I can't muster the energy to spend an hour doing something I enjoy and that I could be really great at, if I put in the effort. I'm good at it now; I could be great. I'm also starting to waste money on it by not going.
I got my red belt and was so psyched, so motivated. I'm so close now, guys.
But the motivation waned as my medications began to kick my ass. I was just barely over my winter funk when I got taken down again. Exhaustion, apathy, excuses. It's only hurting myself and I can't even make myself care. It's something FUN I do because I ENJOY it and I can't bring myself to care.
Softball season is coming and I am so excited to start coaching again... but I am equally worried about this indifference setting in again. But I will always show up. Even if I don't feel like being there, those girls are going to get my all. Sometimes, being obligated is the last thread that keeps me hanging on.
But the thing that is bothering me the most is that I'm starting to let my friends down.
I had to cancel on a girls night the other night. I thought I could do it, I really did. Weekdays are super hard on me, but I was feeling good, and that was my carrot to get through the week. Hang in there until Wednesday, and you can go have fun.
But by Wednesday afternoon, I was starting to admit defeat. I was mentally and physically exhausted, ready to crawl into a hole, and the thought of having to make the forty-five minute drive back home at the end of the night pretty much finished me off. I left work at 5:30 and went straight to bed - and stayed there until the next morning.
And, unsurprisingly, I got kind of a verbal slap in the face from one of my friends who was tired of me always backing out on plans.
And I so totally deserved it.
I've been a shitty friend, I've been exceptionally flaky, and with no good reason than both my body and brain are simply fucked up. I come up with excuses to run away and hide from the world. But it's my problem and not anyone else's and it's not fair to anyone else and I just wanted to sit there and cry because I felt horrible and I hated myself for the type of person I am right now. And an apology just didn't seem sufficient and I don't know how to make it better because I can't make promises about anything right now.
I've spent most of my life proud of the fact that I never let my issues get the best of me, I didn't let it affect my life. Now that it is, I honestly don't know what to do or where to go or how to fix it. I don't want to be like this. It scares me that I'm starting to implode on myself. I hate that I'm only reliable at work, and not outside of it, to the people that really count. I'm sliding, and I can't stop myself. It used to be just a simple chemical imbalance that could be fixed with a simple pill. I should have been paying attention - maybe I could have stopped it from getting this way.
I'm not a crazy person. Rationally, I know this. I'm just unnaturally inclined to be unhappy, and for whatever reason, all the passion that I used to pour into school or work and my art and my life has turned on me, has betrayed me, and placed the emphasis on my unevenness. I'm passionately unraveling.
I'm not okay right now. And I can't make excuses for that or endless apologies, even though I truly am sorry. I wish the people that have to deal with me like this - the very same people that time and again have saved me from myself - can forgive me, and be patient. I'll get better, I will. I just don't know how to do it right now.
No comments today, kids. I just wanted to shout this into the abyss, and nothing more.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
At 1:50pm, I turn 25 1/2.
Which means, of course, that my twenties are officially more than half over and I am on the downhill slide to thirty.
Let's all pause for a moment and freak out with me.
Okay, I'm good now. This thought has been plaguing me for a week or two now and I just wanted to share. If I wasn't so busy at work right now I'm sure I'd have a more contemplative post about my thoughts on getting older.
In the meantime, I'm going to shove a pile of chips and salsa in my face (yay leftover food from Food Day) and try to get through this day in one piece.
*I prefer cash. My cat, as thoughtful as she is, decided to pee on my floor this morning. This is NOT the sort of present I would ever like to receive again. Please make a note of it.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Yes, that is my kitty in a mini "Fight Like a Girl" shirt.
Yes, she is a freakshow of a cat that lets me put clothes on her.
No, I have no qualms about dressing up animals.
And finally, no, I did not plan this picture out. (I happened to be wearing that shirt that day anyway when I was loaned the doggie garment to try on my cat. She's such a good sport.)
Happy Monday, kids.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
“This bill will decrease health insurance costs, expand access to quality, affordable health care, improve reimbursements for Iowa medical providers and allow Americans to maintain their choice of health insurance. This legislation will provide much-needed relief for thousands of businesses in Iowa’s First District and will reduce our deficit by more than $143 billion over the next 10 years and $1.2 trillion in the 10 years after that. After reading the bill, listening to my constituents and debating the bill’s provisions in Congress, I’m convinced this legislation is good for Iowa.” [Rep. Bruce Braley, D-Waterloo]
In Iowa’s First District, the health care reform package voted upon tonight will:
· Improve coverage for 394,000 residents with health insurance.
· Give tax credits and other assistance to up to 156,000 families and 14,000 small businesses to help them afford coverage.
· Improve Medicare for 102,000 beneficiaries, including closing the donut hole.
· Extend coverage to 16,000 uninsured residents.
· Guarantee that 6,500 residents with pre-existing conditions can obtain coverage.
· Protect 700 families from bankruptcy due to unaffordable health care costs.
· Allow 50,000 young adults to obtain coverage on their parents’ insurance plans.
· Provide millions of dollars in new funding for 11 community health centers.
· Reduce the cost of uncompensated care for hospitals and other health care providers by $54 million annually.
They serve their purpose, sure... but as far as I can tell, the main purpose they serve is to divide and anger and create bickering and generally piss everyone the hell off.
Call me crazy, but with the limited time we're given, I'd rather spend my time getting along with people and not getting worked up over things I have no power to change. (I know, I'm such a hippie.) :p
I have my beliefs and there are some that I will not waver on, and there are some that I am open to discussion on. Gay marriage? There is no debate. In my mind, this is not even something that should be up for question. If anything, maybe we should start to scrutinize straight marriage - the stellar divorce rates clearly are helping to maintain the "sanctity" of that. Death penalty? Gun control? I'm willing to entertain your opinions, I have none on these that I hold hard or fast to. I can see both sides.
The debate du jour, if you've been living under a rock like I usually do, is that of health care reform.
My twitter stream has been so full of updates and opinions and name-calling that I'm actually missing the days where the constant Foursquare updates annoyed me. At least then, I knew if my friends went to the bar after work, and if it was likely they were still there for me to join them.
Obviously, SOMETHING needs to be done. The system is broken.
But amongst the propaganda and false truths and scare tactics and stubborness (from all sides, mind you) - I think the whole point got lost. Right now it just seems like a giant pissing contest to see who can get their way.
There are far too many people without access to health care in this country. I don't know how we let it get this fucked up, but here we are.
When I graduated from college, I was instantaneously booted from my dad's health insurance. I didn't even get any sort of grace period to find a job. Even the student loan people give you six months. I was petrified of getting sick or injured or anything that would require a visit to a doctor that I couldn't afford. My first job out of college, the only thing I could find (and this was before the economy went to shit, mind you) was to work full-time at Target. I had to wait six months to be eligible for insurance. A lot can happen in sixth months, and I was extremely grateful that I am a generally healthy person, with no pre-existing conditions, because I would have been fucked otherwise. And Target had pretty decent insurance - I've heard it is quite probably the best plan you can get in retail - but I still had to wait quite a while for it.
I was mentioning this to a colleague at Target one day and this cranky redneck dude overheard and got all "I don't want to pay for insurance for other people" or something. Sir, it's not like I was a deadbeat who wasn't working. On the contrary, I was working long and shitty hours and wasn't making enough to live off of, I had a goddamn college degree, and the system didn't give a shit about me. Besides, you already ARE paying for other people's insurance. It's called Medicare.
That's the thing that gets me. People who scream out "socialism!" and drop buzzwords like "socialized medicine" - seem to forget that we already pay into Medicare and Social Security. What the fuck, may I ask, do you exactly think those are? But nobody bitches about those. I mean, I do, occasionally, cause I'm not going to get anything back from Social Security by the time I get there, because that system is broken, too, but you know what? I don't really have a say in the matter.
If I have to pay a few more dollars every paycheck so that somebody can go see a doctor or get cancer treatments or some medications to keep them alive or at the very least live a life that's got some degree of quality to it? I'm okay with that. I already pay taxes for a whole bunch of shit that will never benefit me, personally, anyway. I've always wished I could earmark what my taxes go to... I'd give a lot of them to education. That system is also - say it with me - failing.
I haven't read the bill. It's been changed so many times that I don't even know what's in it. The debates have devolved into childlike arguments and I don't have time to get sucked into the drama. I assume that it doesn't matter what I think, because the government will do whatever the hell they want anyway, and I can only hope it is in the best interest of the American people for them to do what's right. I know that's a lot of hope to place on a group of notoriously unscrupulous politicians, but at heart, I'm guess I'm still an idealist.
The American people don't care about protecting the profits of the insurance companies. They care about being able to take their kids to the doctor when they're sick, they care about being able to have that emergency appendectomy without having to file for bankruptcy.
The fact that a lot of politicians seem to be determined to block any progress on this front for the sole sake of being assholes to the current administration, well, that does rather piss me off. Really? If that is your only reason for dissent, pull your head back out of your ass and remember that the people that voted for you, are counting on you to protect their best interests - not yours. Instead of being crybabies that you lost the election TWO YEARS AGO, maybe try to be productive and help fix this godforsaken mess of a country. It's going to hell in a handbasket and you seem intent on decorating it in ribbons for its trip.
That said - I'm so very tired about hearing about this. We should not be debating whether people should be able to have affordable health care. It seems obvious, but maybe that's just me. SOMETHING needs to be done, and even if we only do it by baby steps, at least we're on our way.
Saturday, March 20, 2010
I feel like a lot of the things I say here, now, are a bunch of fluff. And fluff is fine, I suppose. I miss the heartfelt posts, though. In digging through my old archives to find a particular post, I realized how much better I used to express myself. I don't write like I used to. Perhaps it's just because I am getting older, and more disillusioned with things; I can't make words dance and sparkle or ache and reach out anymore. I convey what I need to, and I move on. I don't empty myself of every thought and feeling anymore. I don't know why.
When I was younger, I wanted to be a writer. I filled pages of notebooks and looseleaf sheets with half-planned stories and some genuine attempts at writing something. I rarely finished anything; if I got pulled away from a "project" I lost my momentum and it got filed away for a time when I could focus on it again. Perhaps that's why I moved to angsty poetry when I got older; it was a shorter format, and easy to finish. My dreams of becoming a great novelist started to fade when it came time to start thinking about what I wanted to do with my life. I needed to find a practical career, more importantly, a college major. Because if I picked that out first, I could pick out my college, and go full-steam ahead with a type of certainty that would naturally lead to my success. The problem was, nothing interested me. I have no doubts that I could have picked anything, and done well. But I needed to feel fulfilled. I'm not entirely sure why I picked graphic design. I knew very little about it, and I wasn't one of those artsy kids. But every time I investigated it a little further, it just seemed like an ideal fit. I'm pretty sure now I had no rational reasons behind it, but I'm glad I followed my instincts. One time my mom and I were driving home from shopping, or something, and I hesitantly mentioned that that was a career path I was thinking about pursuing; I remember her being very excited and enthusiastic and adamant that I would be great at it. My dad had no idea what it was... he thought I should be an engineer. Because I was smart, and good at the maths, and, you know. They make a shit-ton of money. I think he felt design was a lesser use of my talents, and that I would be unfulfilled... but he made it clear that it was my choice and he would support anything I wanted to do. I think my high school math/chemistry/physics teacher was also similarly disappointed; which actually made me feel a little bad. I truly respected his opinion, and he was one of the few teachers at my school that I didn't ever feel like I was smarter than. Having his respect was a big deal to me; I hated that maybe I felt like I was letting him down.
And I could have been an engineer. But I'm not sure I would have been happy. My creative side had been neglected for quite some time... it felt so good to let her out, and to immerse myself in a world that maybe I shouldn't have belonged in.
Today, of course, I'm using that more left-brained side of my personality. But I've found a job where I am perfectly nestled between my left-brain tendencies and my right-brain affections, and where my high-strung, Type-A personality is actually a strength and not an annoying personality flaw. And I regret nothing about the path that led me here.
But part of me mourns the childhood dreams of being able to put words on paper and seeing it come to fruition. I know it is highly unlikely that I will ever publish a book, see my name on the jacket, have other people want to read what I write. My ability to conceive and write any sort of fiction died probably about ten years ago. Now, I write about my life and things that are in my head, and while it may occasionally be entertaining, who really cares? It's such a temporary medium, blogging. I might have a really great post buried back in 2007, but unless I link to it repeatedly, nobody is going to find it, or see it again. A book is linear; people are compelled to read it all the way through. Everything you say, gets read. And, if it's good, gets read again.
I don't know where I'm going with any of this. I've been really introspective lately, and I've been thinking about writing a lot lately, and I've started a million posts in my head and even started to type them, but they're all unfinished thoughts, and I get stalled, and I file them away. Because I never trash any ideas; there's always a chance that I could revisit, and refine, and finish. Which is why I have countless tote bins of half-started stories and thoughts in my dad's basement. I always believed that someday I would go through them all, and weed out the ones that were hopeless, and maybe pick up the ones with potential, and maybe make my adolescent self happy.
It seems less and less likely every day, but I've started to notice that my general philosophy is to never rule anything out.
I'm sure I'll revisit this subject again, because it is haunting me lately. I have acknowledged it, but I do not know how to resolve it. I'm not even sure if I can.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Oh well. At least we're over the worst of it, and it won't last.
Still. I was hypothetically frolicking in meadows not 36 hours ago. Now I need to find my damn coat again. This blows.
Thursday, March 18, 2010
My point is, I feel like we've reached the end of the tunnel.
Even more so, I feel lighter. I feel like I am finally waking up, out of a long, gray dream. I feel alive again.
I want to drive around with my windows down and my radio up loud and just breathe in the air. Everything feels new and wonderful and hopeful and even if it snows again (like they say it could this weekend), it won't last... because spring is finally here and the world is finally awake alongside me, and it feels like there are only good things to happen from here.
I know, I know. Yes, it's still me... happy posts are pretty out of character, which is its own tragedy, but whatever.
It's pretty out! If you have nice weather where you are, stop what you are doing and tear yourself away from whatever machine or device you happen to be staring at, and GO OUTSIDE.
You'll thank me later.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Also, I am absurdly bouncy right now because I just got back from Alice in Wonderland and I loved loved loved it and I wanna see it again and also because I get in weird post-movie highs and in the absence of anything else to do, I'm going to spew forth onto the Internet. So, sorry?
Anywhatsit, this week was kind of a haze. Well, this week and last week. I guess I didn't really post much then, either.
I've been really, really tired. I stopped taking the anti-anxiety pills because, well, my anxiousness had subsided, and they weren't really necessary. Meanwhile, the upped dosage of my regular pills decided to kick my ass. It was like that other pill evened me out. Perhaps against medical orders (I am a rebel), I cut back down to my normal dosage in the dire hope that I would return to normal. So right now, I don't feel maybe like I'm taking enough, but if I go back up, it will be too much. Maybe I'll start taking a pill and a quarter, rather than a pill and a half. I dunno. All I know is that I know when I don't feel right.
I've also been exhausted in the I'm-getting-burnt-out sense. I never posted my scattered thoughts that I wrote about my job the other day, and I might not, there's that whole black hole of posting about work, but it's not so much my work as it is me in relation to work. If that makes sense? I don't know. Long story short... it's been both a mental struggle as well as just a teeming workload struggle.
Either way... I am exhausted. Partly because I've got a lot on my plate, and I refuse to admit that I can't do it all. Because I can. I am superwoman. If I admit I can't do it, I admit to a failure. I can do it. But mostly, I am exhausted because I feel so goddamn tense. I feel like I've been fighting a fight all week... a fight to keep my status quo, to keep a hold of my clients, to keep a hold on my goals and where I want to be. In the grand scheme of the world, my opinons and wants mean pretty much jack; but I am going to hold onto my idealism as long as I can, and I am going to hold on to my belief that if I speak up, and make it known what I want, maybe, maybe they'll listen.
Just to wrap up loose ends (aka, awkward segue)... the whole Boy Issue. I was all.... over it. Like, done. Every time he crept into my head, I was like, whatever, no, I'm done with it. And maybe I was only superficially okay. At least, with that. But even then, I still wasn't all the way okay. Pushing him aside, it was like lifting a board and seeing all the cockroaches... I had to deal with everything else. Money, work, family, life, all the other things that are much less easy to wave away than some unrequited mancrush. Maybe that's why I held onto it for so long. I don't know. I'm not a shrink. But the sum of all these other parts was much greater than just focusing on that one stressor... and then I got overwhelmed, and it wasn't as easy to pinpoint what was wrong. And then I was all, am I really over it, or am I just chemically faking it? It seemed almost too easy... one of my friends asked me about it, and I nonchalantly waved it off, and she was like, "are you sure? that was kind of a long time..." and she was probably right. A temporary reprieve, maybe, but it was progress, dammit. I was fiiiiine. Totally fine.
But now... my confidence is waning. The walls I built are being chipped at. Weather erosion, maybe. Maybe my guard is down and my exhaustion from other areas of my life are causing me to be less strong.
I miss my friend.
I've tried so very hard to avoid him, to get over him, to pretend like I don't care. I don't care what he does or who he does it with... but in the process, I've shut the door, and I miss him. But what is there, left? It's not all over, there's only me and him, and there is never an us, and maybe we weren't friends the way I thought, and maybe we were, and maybe it doesn't matter because I ruined everything by "letting" myself fall for him so long ago, and maybe it's just a giant pile of fucked up, because I know that it's no good for me, but there's no one else, and until there's someone else, there's still the slightest fragments of holding on. And until I can shed that, I'm afraid that if I open the friend-door back up, I open myself up to a vulnerable place and I'll be exactly back where I started.
And I can't go back. Only forward. Or, at the very least, keep running in place. At least it's not backwards.
In better news, spring, glorious spring, is here. I kind of hate spring because it's muddy and wet and gloomy (ok, I like a little gloom - I'm a cloudy day kind of gal, but this constant cloud cover is making even me twitchy), but I am soooo glad it's here. Mother Nature bent us over a table this winter but at least she's being (mostly) nice enough to melt it in increments so our whole state doesn't end up underwater. Again.
I'm ready to pitch my winter coat into a closet and run around shrieking with joy. Because I am a crazy person.
However, it has been known to snow in April, so... I'm not getting my hopes up just yet. still.
Also! It's Daylight Savings Time this weekend. Pro: it will be light out until, like, EIGHT. Con: I lose an hour of sleep tonight. Pro: I've been sleeping all weekend anyway. Con: I will, undoubtedly, forget.
* * *
Anyway, I had mentioned (exclaimed?) that I just saw Alice and I did not perhaps mention that it was my very first 3D movie ever and I was a bit wary about it because it seems like it's the new fad and probably isn't super necessary and also Roger Ebert, who (whom?) I have come to adore, disdains it greatly and the man knows his shit, but I have to say... it was kind of fun. I kind of liked it.
I was expecting those cheesy paper glasses with the blue and red film for lenses... nope. Black plastic sexyglasses(tm) instead. I totally kept them.
And to make up for my absence, dear reader
Please be advised that looking at your digital camera screen while wearing 3D glasses will, in fact, kind of fuck with your eyes. Don't say I didn't warn you.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Instead of the more likely, less exciting reason of: I am tired. I was busy. Mostly, I'm tired.
I mean, seriously. I am exhausted. I have no idea why. Around Thursday of last week I started to drag a little bit and I slept a lot this weekend and I had a hard time dragging myself out of bed today and I was just sleepy all. day. long. and I skipped my taekwondo class because even though I've been really good lately about going and putting a lot of effort into it, I just couldn't actually process the idea of an hour of physical activity. So instead I went to Target, and went home.
I suspect that, largely, this has to do with the medication adjustment from two weeks ago. When I was taking the increased dosage of my antidepressants along with semi-regular usage of the anti-anxiety pills, I was feeling awesome. Like, seriously, AWESOME. I powered through that next week in a spree of productivity that I have not quite seen before or since. Then I kind of phased out the anti-anxiety pills, because my anxiety issues finally subsided, and... the crash I sort of feared was coming. Except it wasn't really a crash, so much as just a slow decline of energy. I still feel, emotionally, fine. I'm just tired. I don't want to hop back on the anti-anxiety pills just for the sake of evening out my energy levels, because my mood is fine, my outlook is fine, my stress levels are fine... and even though I have absolutely no qualms with medicating myself into a state of well-being, I don't particularly want to get hooked on them, either.
So, assuming that is the culprit, I'm not sure what to do. I have a follow-up appointment at the end of the month where perhaps I will suggest dropping my dosage back to where it was, even though doctor-man wanted to keep it as-is for the next year. I kind of don't think it's necessary. I think my little meltdown was temporary, and was triggered by the stupidest of all things (a boy) but aren't they always? Fucking Y-chromosome carriers are always the catalyst to a breakdown. I don't know why. I never thought of myself as That Girl whose life falls apart because of some guy but I guess that's the emotional Jenga-block that upsets the tower. It's not the first time, it's not the last. All the stuff I keep pent up (money, family, etc etc) doesn't seem to scratch the surface... but you throw some dude in there and all hell breaks loose and wreaks havoc with my sense of balance. I know, I know. It's dumb.
Speaking of, because I feel I should follow up... I'm surprisingly, like... okay. Almost too much so. I am suspicious of myself. After a year and a half of intense unrequited crushing, it's like I just snapped my fingers and went "I don't care anymore!" Except I think it's largely an 'out of sight, out of mind' situation. That, or my brain finally stepped it up and was like "stop being such a fucking loser" and kicked said loserly emotions to the curb and took its rightful place as being in charge of... um. My head? I don't know where I was going with that. Anywho. You can believe me or not, but I am doing quite well.
And I wrote a shit ton of things last week - ON PAPER - because my laptop does not transport well anymore because of its five-second battery life and various special needs (but it's hanging in there! The old 'chine has so many new parts and quick fixes that I will frankenstein this baby into a workable, functional device as long as possible, because I cannot afford a new Mac and I do not want a PC and this thing is my BABY and it may be on life support but dammit, it's alive) and I apparently was all scribbly and writey right before bed so I have all those that I haven't typed because I'm lazy, and busy, and whatever. It's probably an interesting collection of incoherency, because they started when I was at my peak high of being an energy ball and then I leveled out and got tired and lazy and didn't want to type them so when I finally do getting around to posting them, they are going to be three weeks out of context and all sorts of spastic.
Because I am a special snowflake.
Anyway. It may be obvious to you, right about now, that I started writing with nothing in mind to say, and if only it were this easy to keep up a steady stream of words along a same storyline, I probably would have written three novels by now in my lifetime. Instead... we get bursts of randomness that probably make no sense to anyone living outside my head. (Trust me, it's better for you this way).
So. I'm going to stop this merry-go-round of nonsense, and post it, and then go start typing up my sheets of notebook paper, and then hopefully someday manage to figure out some sort of logical sequence in which to post them, and all will be shiny and wonderful.
I've only had one glass of wine tonight, I swear.
Thursday, March 4, 2010
Expect a slew of incoherent posts coming soon... I'm feeling infinitely better these days but my brain has been on absolute overdrive and I can't scribble out my thoughts fast enough and I haven't had any time to even try to interpret them into anything that remotely makes sense, not even to me. It's a sad story, guys.
In the meantime, I am leaving you with a recent image from, like, my new favorite blog. Click it and you'll go there. It makes me happy in so many, many ways.