Monday, August 29, 2011

What I Know

I read Terra's post, Things That I Know To Be True, At Least For Right Now, and I just kind of sat there and stared at my screen. I was blown away by the simple confidence and boldness that she stated so matter-of-factly. I was jealous, really. I'm usually jealous when I read Terra's blog. She writes in such a way that there is no question that there never would have been any other way to say what she said. She nails it every time.

I didn't get to spend very much time with Terra at BiSC, but she's on my target list for people that I am going to force my presence on next year because I want her to be one of my BFFs. I kind of hate that all of my favorite people live so far away. It's something they don't warn you about, when you plunge into that online community. You'll meet some of the greatest people you'll ever know... but you don't get to see them that often. The 20SB Summit was in Chicago a few weeks ago, and Maria and I were going to conveniently time a visit to the Windy City over that same weekend. We weren't going to go to the summit, we wanted to hang out and explore the city and have the equivalent of a grownup slumber party, but while I was sitting in my hotel in Atlanta for work, crunching numbers, I realized there was no way I could afford it. My heart broke watching all the tweets and blog posts from all of my favorite people who were only a few hours away from me, so close and yet I couldn't see any of them. It was an ache I didn't expect. [Side note: I think I have Maria talked into visiting Iowa. I was bouncing up and down in my desk chair when we gchatted some plans. If we can time it right, the agenda includes tailgating for one of our patented Iowa (State) college football game day experiences, a stop at Fong's for crab rangoon pizza, and our newly opened Zombie Burger. Since Maria is an avid zombie expert. (Zombieologist?) I think that was the final puzzle piece.]

Anyway, my point is, I heart Terra and I was inspired by her post to do one of my own.

Here are the things that I know to be true. For now.

***

I know that I am stubborn. I know that I will often listen to other people's opinions, but once I've made up my mind about something, I will dig my heels in and refuse to budge. I don't know if this is a strength or a weakness. I think maybe a little of both.

I know that I stopped reaching for the stars a while ago. I got complacent and confused that with contentment. I think that's why I'm so restless now. I don't know how to sit still. I've been conditioned to always want more. I don't know what "more" is for me right now. It's one of those most frustrating things I've experienced.

I know that I have a weakness for ice cream (or frozen yogurt or gelato). I've been trying really hard to stick to The Plan and keep moving forward with my weight-loss effort, because I still see a fat girl in my mind's eye. But I know that I'm not perfect and I know that I can't deprive myself of the things I love or I'll completely fall off the wagon. And I won't get back on again.

I know that my apartment is almost always messy. I know that this is because I have more important things to concentrate on than cleaning. I know that I could keep it clean if I cared a little more, but sometimes I'd rather read or write or sleep or go out, than do a batch of dishes. I know that I shouldn't just fling dirty clothes into the nearest open floor space, but I do it anyway.

I know that wearing heels, even if it's just around my apartment, makes me feel more feminine and sexy. I know that if I were ever wearing heels and got chased, I'd be doomed. (It's also likely that I could be wearing running shoes and get chased and still be doomed.) I also know that I'm not above removing my shoes in public if it makes it easier to walk or if my feet hurt too much. I know that walking through grass with bare feet is one of the simplest and most underrated pleasures in life. I also know that doing the same thing on concrete or gravel is one of the most ill-advised activities.

I know that I have an intense need to document everything. Words or pictures, it doesn't matter. I don't want to forget anything. Even the things better left forgotten.

I know that memories can resurface years after they happened and can still make me feel awful or sad. I know better. But I can't help it.

I know that I sleep too much. But I also know that I push myself too hard when I'm awake, and I need to be able to rest, too, or I wear myself down until I can't function. I know that sometimes I just need to do what's in my current best interest. I know that this sometimes makes me seem really lazy.

I know that I often focus more on the short-term than the long-term. I sometimes worry about what that means for the future, but the "now" is so much more present, it's all I can do to get through that. I'll worry about the "later" - later.

I know that I have a hard time asking for help. I know that I have an army of support that's just a phone call away, if I ever needed it. I'm afraid to use it, because I have convinced myself that if it's not a dire emergency, people will resent my neediness. I know that I've managed to convince myself that I can do it all by myself. I know that someday I'm going to fall on my ass and it will be all my own fault.

I know that people in large quantities have questionable judgment, but taken one-on-one, they are usually pretty good. I know that I make snap judgments about people even when I shouldn't. I know that if a person can't function with basic grammar skills or spelling, I will judge them a bit more harshly.

I know I shouldn't care what people think of me, my life, my appearance, my choices. I know that some part of me is scarred from high school and prior. I know that because of those years, I will never feel good enough or accepted enough. I also know that since losing thirty pounds this year, I am starting to shake off a lot of the doubt and insecurity, and have been starting to truly embrace who I am. I know I am much more confident now and I can't wait to hit my goal weight.

I know that this list is very incomplete... but I also know what kind of short attention spans y'all have.

5 comments:

Mom and Dem said...

This is so cool - I loved reading yours and Terra's lists. This should be, like, a thing.

chimes said...

i'm hijacking this idea as well.

Megs said...

I love you. I also hate you because some of that may or may not have made me cry, and I am a proud non-cryer.

Also, I might steal this.

Ashley, the Accidental Olympian said...

Beautiful list.

terra said...

I wrote my post because I felt like there was just so much that I wasn't sure of and couldn't define about who or where I am at this point in my life, so I'm totally blushing from all the sweet things you said about me. Next year we need one on one time for sure - I adore you and regret not getting more time with you. And thank you, so much, for so sweet and for being an inspiration to me.