Monday, September 19, 2011

How To Have a More Crappy Monday Than Usual

4:30 am: awaken with chills, a sore throat and a fever of 99.9. Take some Tylenol and fall back asleep.

6:00 am: awaken again after dreams involving drastic temperature changes (the failproof indicator that, hey, you're sick) and a temperature of 100.5. Get cranky. Strip down into short-shorts and a thinner tshirt, open the window, and sadly push away the comforter even though its whispering your name and you belong together. Drink some more water.

8:30 am: find that your temperature has dropped to a completely acceptable 98.8 degrees. Decide that you can totally go to work because if nothing else, you are determined to prove that you are Not Always Sick.

9:30 am: visit Target. Acquire a dazzling assortment of OTC remedies.

10:00 am: Eat oatmeal. Rejoice that it feels nice on your throat.

11:00 am: Decide that no matter how much your brain wants to be there, your body is incredibly pissed at you for trying to carry on with your day-to-day. Collect necessary materials to take your work home with you. YOU WILL FINISH THIS PROJECT IF IT KILLS YOU. Except hopefully it won't, because that would be a really lame way to go.

11:15 am: collapse in bed. Find that your temp has gone back up to 99 point something or other. Pass out.

For the remainder of the day, alternate waking up and taking various medications including that godawful numbing throat spray shit that you knew tasted wretched but were too desperate to care about until you actually sprayed it. Be slightly concerned that the bottle warns you that a sore throat in conjunction with a high fever, headache, nausea and vomiting might be a sign of something serious. Decide that since you only had the fever (which really isn't that high, right?) and the headache, you're probably in the clear. Realize the file you sent yourself to accomplish the majority of your work did not actually reach its end destination and you're kind of stuck, but maybe that's okay because your head hurts like a mofo. Alternate between being overly warm and being chilled with prickly skin. Vow revenge on whoever decided to be generous enough to share their germs with you. Decide to be lenient when you realize it's probably the really sweet girl you work with at your part-time job, even though she came to work last Saturday while sick and it occurred to you at the time that you were probably doomed, despite your best efforts with the antibacterial hand gel that kind of made your hands smell like candles. Make sure to eat some ice cream. For your sore throat, of course.

Be miserable for the rest of the day and complain about it in blog form while you wait for your coworker to email you the previously aforementioned file so that you can feel like maybe you will achieve something productive today after all. Be sure to talk in second-person narrative. This is very important.

Abruptly end your post here because you really don't have much more to say on the matter. Await the inevitable slew of comments from people telling you that you should probably go to a doctor. Refuse. Then sleep some more.

The end.

1 comment:

chimes said...

ugh. :( Sorry I couldn't bring you Ibuprofen. I quit taking meds for anything a long time ago. My tummy thanks me.