Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Seriously. What. The. Hell.

I woke up this morning feeling like I'd been run over by a truck, one that took extra care to back up and do a second pass right over my head. I was achy and lethargic and all-over miserable.

Guys, this shit is getting old.

It's so much easier to have, say, the flu, or a cold, or even a fucking migraine. There are remedies for all of these things.

But this recurring unidentified Feeling-Like-Shit-itis is getting on my nerves. Usually, I can sleep it off for a few hours, and when I wake up again, I feel great. I can usually salvage my day, maybe even make it into to work for a few hours. Today, I got up around lunchtime, ate something, tried to go through some emails, and wandered back into bed, still feeling crappy. A blanket of apathy and a wave of depressing thoughts washed over me, as I let all the negative thoughts in my head come out to play. If I'm going to feel crappy, dammit, why not take it all the way? Why not entertain all the bad thoughts that I like to shove aside? (basically, a one-woman internal monologue of "Why does everything suck?")Then I can feel emotionally crappy as well as physically crappy. My phone rang at some point, jarring me back into reality (another coach calling me back to tell me that she could take my girls for softball practice tonight, which there was no way in hell I was going to be able to consider doing), and I relocated to my couch and watched a movie. I still feel shitty, but I can only be in bed for so long before it just makes it worse and I kill any odds I have of being able to sleep tonight.

Seriously, though, what the fuck is this? It's starting to kick my ass. At one point I thought maybe it was just a physical manifestation of all my stress and anxiety, but now I'm not so sure. I'm generally a pretty healthy person. It's not like I'm running around contracting viruses or airborne illnesses or anything. Maybe I'm not eating right. Maybe it's stress. Maybe it's just a vitamin deficiency or something. Maybe my headpill dosage is too low right now. But what if it's not? What if it's something bigger than that?

I was good all weekend. I didn't eat any shitty food, I didn't drink, I got some exercise, I got lots of sleep and I even went to bed at a decent hour last night. I expected to wake up feeling fantastic.

I'm lucky that my job is pretty flexible. I feel like an asshole when I call in sick because I'm not violently retching up the entire contents of my stomach or ripping through a box of Kleenex and running a sky-high fever (though those days happen sometimes too.) I'm not "traditionally" sick - but if I can't get myself to move and all I feel is an overwhelming pressure on my head when I'm awake... well, shit, what do you do about that? There are different ways to be sick, obviously, and I feel like mine is the wussiest version of them all. I just need to suck it up and push myself through it because eventually they are going to get annoyed with me (hell, I'M annoyed with me) and politely show me the door. I wish I was set up a little better so I could work from home between bouts of unconsciousness, but the stuff I do is not really transportable nor do I ever really expect to feel like hell on any given day so it's not like I can plan ahead anyway. It is what it is.

I obviously can't take to the Internet because it will probably tell me I have some raging malignant tumor and I have a week to live. I'm pretty sure it's nothing that serious. Something's just off, and has been for quite a while. But I can't fix it if I don't know what it is.

I have my annual physical coming up right around the corner soon, so I can bring it up then, but they're probably just going to look at me like I'm a giant hypochondriac (am I?) orrr else they're going to shrug their shoulders and write me a prescription for something-or-other without really caring if they get to the bottom of it or not. I have no faith in the health professionals in this area whatsoever.

I don't know. Does anyone else ever experience shit like this? Am I a complete freak? Any suggestions on how to, you know, FIX it? HELP ME.

8 comments:

Megs said...

I'm sorry, that sucks. I have no idea what it is. But I do know that when I'm physically ill (or tired, or hungry) it makes my mental shit worse. The only advice I have it sounds like you are already doing - plenty of fluids, rest, and good food. Feel better. Seriously, that's an order missy.

chimes said...

ditto! I had that yesterday. right now mine's related to hayfever and drainage that's happening at night (gross, eh?).

Ashley, the Accidental Olympian said...

I got nothing. But I do think it's a step in the right direction that when you feel this way you take time off to rest. Probably better than trying to push through it. Might not hurt to ask a doc about it, even though 90% of the time they just seem to be guessing... Feel better homeslice.

christa said...

Kelly - GO TO THE DOCTOR. I'm serious. Better to be safe than sorry.
I hope you feel better.
But really, get thee to a physician.

ameena said...

I'm so sorry to hear that things haven't been improving. Hopefully your physician will know what is up. In the meantime, avoid internet diagnosis. Seriously. WebMD turned me in to a hypochondriac. I had to delete it from my phone. Feel better! xoxo

Steph A said...

So, this is a physical thing? Could be allergies... You should go get poked. By a doctor, i mean. With needles. Nathan's sister just got tested for allergies and she discovered that she's allergic to dogs, beef, tomatoes, and a crapload of dusty/pollen-y things. I think it's so awesome that they can determine that by giving you tiny injections of things. And now she can get, like, vaccinated for them, which is even cooler.

Terra said...

Go to the doctor. Your body is telling you that something isn't right. It knows something is up and you should definitely get it checked out.

Tori said...

I'm totally late to the party on this, but try taking vitamin D. It boosts your immune system, and is something you may be lacking if you're not getting enough sun (which, as a fellow white girl, I totally understand).