Thursday, September 15, 2011

Weighing In On... Well, Weighing In.

I had a message waiting for me on facebook today, from a guy I went to ISU with. (To be fair, that doesn't narrow it down AT ALL because not only were there a lot of guys that went to ISU during the four years I was there, I am acquainted with a couple hundred of them and have the facebook friendships to prove it).

Basically the gist was that he hadn't seen me in a long time but saw my facebook picture (the one with me sitting on the Cy statue) and had I lost weight? Because I looked amazing. (His words. Not mine.)

That is such a weird, weird thing to be told. I mean... I know it's totally meant as a compliment... but it's so backhanded. You were fat before... that's what you hear. I mean, thanks for telling me that I look amazing (I worked really hard at it! And I do look amazing! And I'm not even to my goal weight yet!) but... didn't I look amazing before? (Nobody answer that.)

I don't know. I will never tire of hearing that I look great, but at the same time... it's not really a compliment. It's a reminder.

Someday I will post a before and after. I'm really not ready to share any of the "before" pictures because I can't even look at them without sending myself into a spiral of self-hatred. Most of the ones that landed in public places (such as, say, facebook) are ones that I carefully selected or strategically cropped or, in some cases (usually with my face), that had some minor Photoshop surgery done to them. A slight lift here, a little nudge there. When you start Weight Watchers one of the things they tell you to do is take a current picture, so you have something to look back to, or something to motivate you. I didn't do this. I didn't need a picture to remind me how chubby I'd gotten. I didn't want proof. I had pictures somewhere, if I really needed a visual. I'd rather just wait and take new pictures when I get to the other side.

Right now, I'm about at my halfway point... I'm about 25ish pounds to my original goal weight... but I'm kind of not hating where I am right now? Things fit better and I'm still able to wear a lot of things out of my closet, which saves me money from having to buy new stuff. Maybe I don't really need to go that full twenty five. Then again... if it's working, and I keep losing, why not? I'd look even better. And if I happened to decide that I am too thin at that weight (hahaha, right?)... I guess that means I can just eat my way up to the weight where I feel like I look my best. Mmm, cheeseburgers.

My point is: I feel like I'm at a good spot. I've got a ways to go. Lest I paint you an uncomfortable visual that will give you nightmares, I'll not describe in too much detail the areas that I wish would shrink down. These include my hips (so much cushion on my hips! ugh... if I could trim those in, I think almost all of my stuff would look better. The fabric would lay better and I wouldn't look so... wide.)... I could also do with losing some back fat (gross)... honestly, I'd be okay if I could drop a cup size or two as well. I know, the horrors. Why would I possibly wish for smaller breasts? Because they're a HUGE INCONVENIENCE, is why. I mean, unless you find an adequate sports bra to strap those babies down, it's rather painful to engage in some forms of athletic activity (mostly: running.) Also, it's hard to find cute shirts that fit because the chestal region takes up so much fabric and stretches out any print that's on said shirt, it just looks awful. Besides, I could go down a few sizes and still have quite a bit of endowment left over.

I forgot where I was going with any of this. It's late and I'm sleepy. I've been sleeping pretty well all week, but I've had a hard time with the whole concept of "waking up." I've got such dark bags under my eyes right now that it looks like someone punched me in the face. I'm quite looking forward to the fact that I don't have to work on Saturday and that I don't have softball until late afternoon. I can sleep in like I'm in high school! (Or, um, like I regularly do at age twenty-six whenever I don't have to work. Ahem.)


chimes said...

I think you have hit a good spot. I would say focus on doing what you're currently doing but don't be super stressed if you don't lose another 25. Your curves are amazing — your bottom and top are more proportional to each other than when you were super thin. I actually think you look better at this weight than your super thin weight.

My two cents!

Megs said...

Firstly, you absolutely could look better at a heavier weight. I've seen it happen with friends before. Also, I would like to just completely remove the Michelin man belly roll and I'd be all good with my size. Guess where the last place I ever lose weight from is? Just guess.

You are doing so great. It's good you are focusing on how happy you are with the way you look now and not waiting for some magic number to make you happy. Yay you!

Steph A said...

See—this is why it's such a hard decision for me to either compliment someone on their apparent weight loss or just say nothing. I usually go with the latter, even though i know people also feel slighted when they go through a huge change and nobody says anything. Maybe the proper reaction is "you look healthier lately!" because apparently saying "you look great! Have you lost weight?" is considered insulting. Sigh.

Terra said...

Big boobs are such a bane to working to out. When I ru or do any sort of bouncing exercises, I wear three bras to strap my babies now. It's ridiculous.