Thursday, September 8, 2011

Your Quests, Fulfilled. IN CAPS LOCK.

Like anyone else in the blogosphere, I tend to get some interesting traffic - not as interesting as some people, I suppose, given that my subject matter tends to be pretty tame. Yet somehow or another, to this blog they come. Kind of like the Field of Dreams. (OMG, KELLY, STOP IT WITH THE IOWA REFERENCES THIS WEEK, WTF.) It always baffles me, because when I try to replicate the searches that apparently led people here, I cannot figure out HOW they managed to get here. I mean, I generally give up after about three pages or so.

I keep meaning to address these things, but I never do and I feel like I'm doing a great disservice to those that come to this blog, seeking refuge, help, advice, or shirtless men. People of Misdirected Google Searches, let me help YOU find what you need. You clearly must have clicked through a lot of pages of unhelpful results if this is where you chose to land, so I feel it is my civic duty to help you out.

(Also, I don't think Klout thoroughly crawls this site, or else I would clearly be listed as being influential about hot shirtless men, because that is where most of my searches come from.)

Here, in what may or may not become a semi-regular feature depending on if I remember to do it again or not, I present:

Recent Searches & What They Might Have Been Looking For (If I Can Guess)

ryan reynolds shirtless green lantern

Well, which is it? Do you want him shirtless? Or as the Green Lantern? You'll need to be more specific. HELP ME HELP YOU.

Unless maybe you are looking for a still shot of that scene in which he was practically naked? Alas, I did not have it, but I did some extensive searching for you (because I am selfless like that), and this is the best I can come up with until the DVD comes out and I can take my own still shot like a psycho.

kelley l coulter

I... I don't know who that is, I'm sorry. Also, "Kelley" is spelled "Kelly" - I think you might want to double check that.

what to wear with sparkly gold shoes

What CAN'T you wear with sparkly gold shoes? Personally, I recommend black. I also recommend Katherine for your source of legit high-quality shoe sparklefication. TELL HER I SENT YOU!

bisc denver

BiSC is in Vegas, silly. Unless... unless you were searching for my traumatic layover in Denver on the way to BiSC? In which case, I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT, I AM STILL UPSET.

is burnt out if you need me

The verbage of this phrase makes me think you were looking for this post right here.

josh duhamel shirtless

I have failed you on this one. Joshy did appear in the same post as Mr. Reynolds, but, alas, he was clothed. Here is my apology to you.

I actually, um, stumbled across the full-frontal version of this picture too, but decided it was a little too NSFW to be posting in these here parts. You all know how to use the Googles if you want to see it. Lord knows I don't need any "celebrity penis" traffic. (Too late? Maybe. Dammit.) (Blogs = one big sociology experiment).

3rd degree master freemasons etsy

I'm not sure where the "Etsy" part came from (though I'm curious as to what you would get if you did search this on Etsy - hang on, I'm gonna do that next).. Though, it would be creepy if you knew this, but my dad actually IS a member of the masons, and I have a vague idea of what a 3rd degree is, unless I'm confusing it with a 1st degree, I don't know, I think it's top secret stuff anyway.

"Try a popular search query like owl, feather extensions, halloween, hair feathers, wedding dress, steampunk, feather hair extensions, baby or christmas instead."  ETSY YOU SMELL LIKE HIPSTERS.

british hats

ah, yes. You must be referring to these.

chevy cavalier 1993

aww, did you have one too? I miss mine, sometimes. But I like my new car a lot.

hate new blogger interface

*shudder* I can't decide which I like less, this or New Twitter. I'm not sure what you were hoping to accomplish by Googling this, but if you were looking for sympathizers, YOU GOT ONE RIGHT HERE.


Naturally, you were looking for this:

insert clever title here

Congrats! You found me. Several variations of this. I don't know why you people don't just bookmark this site that you have to keep searching for it, but I'll forgive you. MWAH.

So, that's all I've really got for now.

And, because I know what my readers want:

credit: oh, hell, I don't remember. God bless the Internet.

God, someone should just go ahead and give me the Pulitzer already.


ameena said...

more shirtless men, please!

Germana said...

Oh Kelly, I love you! <3

Megs said...

Hmmm. People generally find me by asking questions about when and where it is okay to wear shorts (2 examples: is it okay to sleep in shorts and is it okay to shower in shorts...I'm going with yes and if you must, but make sure you really get the rag under the shorts...)and weird senseless sounding questions about things I do not understand and would never talk about.

Seriously, having people find you for shirtless pictures of Ryan Reynolds is....

wait what was I saying? I don't know. Back to staring at Ryan.

Kandace said...

You were saying something about something, but you just put Ryan & Josh in one post. I dont think I tweeted/blogged about my dream where I was trying to seduce ryan &/or josh and also make one (both?) into my boyfriend. It was the best dream. (Nothing Happened! I'm not leaving you sex dream comments. Sheesh).

would it be Wrong to keep ryan And josh if you could get them?