Tuesday, October 11, 2011

I'm All Right.

Thanks for all the long-distance e-hugs and emails and comments. I love you guys. All of you. I wish I could teleport you all here for hugs and then let you get back to what you were doing. Or teleport us both to a bar so we could get shitfaced drunk. You know, whichever. I would totally abuse teleportation technology. It's probably good that it doesn't exist. (Though, to be fair, what I understand about the way that technology would need to work, it probably won't exist. It's a nice idea, though.)

I feel weird about writing posts like Sunday because a lot of it is just anguished word-vomit that, like actual vomit, once it's out of your system, you usually feel better. I didn't mean to make anyone worry. That's another reason I don't call people when I'm in one of those Moods. I don't want to bother anyone. Nobody needs to deal with my crazy. That's my burden. 

Yesterday's random pre-scheduled post aside (yeah, I'm totes going to make the calendar and it's gonna be awesome), it was still kind of an odd day. My head still felt a bit cloudy and I was sort of mopey and unsettled, a bit. With some hindsight, I think I would probably classify what happened on Sunday as an anxiety attack. Because it felt like an attack. It came out of nowhere, apropos of nothing, and just kicked the shit out of me, and then departed. I wasn't sad or depressed, I was anxious. It's obvious now, in the light of day two days later, but it's not always so easy to pinpoint at the time, when really all you can do is hang on until it's gone. Fucking textbook, really.

I guess it doesn't really matter what we call it, I just feel slightly better being able to identify it. (Because "anxiety" makes me so much less crazy than "depression.") It was hard to shake, though. In the aftermath of said whirlwind anxiety attack, I felt kind of hollow. All day. I couldn't shake it.

It's strange when the weather matches my mood. I can wear it like an accessory. Yesterday was dreary and it may have even rained, I'm not sure. This morning it was foggy and murky and by the time lunchtime rolled around and I'd shaken all the last cobwebs out of my head, it was warm and sunny again. I'm probably controlling the weather, actually. Sorry, local citizens. I'll try to stay in a good mood for a while so we can enjoy this last burst of summery-fall weather for a bit longer.

I don't know. Things are weird. I mean, things are good, I'm just back to running around a million miles an hour and trying to recalculate how best to do that. I'm not surprised I suddenly had a meltdown about not being able to do it all. Not being able to be good enough to do it all. Something. It's more complicated than that, it always is, but that's the short version. 

It's a strange feeling, being out of sorts like I was, but at the same time, as long as I'm still standing, I consider it a victory. 

And my medication situation is all back under control and back to normal, so... I feel pretty good. Normal. As normal as I get. I always feel like I need that disclaimer. Heh.

Also: softball. Softball is causing me grief. I had a big long segment here but I'm saving it for tomorrow because it rapidly turned into its own post. I don't understand how I can dread something I usually love so much. 

Anyway. I just need to get to the weekend. I'll have a fresh paycheck and that always helps. It's also, more importantly, my sister's birthday, and I think we're going to road-trip up to the Twin Cities. If for absolutely nothing else: IKEA. She has never been. And that is a damn shame. 

1 comment:

Megs said...

I'm sorry I missed Sunday. Because I totally know all about anxiety and it's suckery and that nothing really helps but sometimes other people can help identify it which helps. So, glad you are feeling better, sorry I missed being there for you.