Tuesday, November 1, 2011

An Open Letter To November.

Ok. It's been a while. Right? How have you been? Your hair looks nice. Have you lost weight? You totally have, haven't you? Well, you look fabulous.

I'm sorry I've been away. I blamed my food column. That wasn't fair. I mean, sure, I was working on it, but I could have been writing here. You want the truth? The truth is, writing about my adventures in the kitchen was mostly just a distraction. The same distraction that was making me lean toward signing up for NaNoWriMo instead of blogging here daily.

I've been avoiding talking about the shit that's actually bothering me.

I know it might surprise you, Internets, to learn that I'm not nearly so invincible or as awesome as I might lead you to believe. I mean, sure, I am often these things. I frequently have a very high opinion of myself. I'm sure you noticed that. I'd apologize, but I'm not going to change, so it would be empty words. I know I've got a fairly dominant narcissistic streak running through my body. In this line of work ("work." heh.), you have to. Being a blogger is probably all I'm really qualified for, these days.

But behind the bravado and snark, I am merely a person. A person with Feelings and Emotions and, most relevantly, a long-dormant case of clinical depression that is bound to flare up now and then.

I am reasonably certain that it began a few weeks ago with a random Sunday evening anxiety attack... but it never really got back to normal from there. I've had a cloud of gloom hovering over me in the weeks that followed and I've had quite a case of the "fuck-its" and therefore my apartment is a mess, my hair needs cut, and my blog has been abandoned. In the interim, I've been baking and trying to figure out why my cat went psycho (she seems to be back to normal now, THANK GOD) and worrying about my weight again. I finally went back in to weigh-in this past week and was pleasantly surprised to learn I was down 0.2 pounds. Which means I haven't fucked myself over too badly, there, even if I feel like a cow otherwise.

So in my blinding state of apathy, many naps have been taken and, yes, some tears have been shed over stupid reasons, but I am officially annoyed at myself so I am going to make some sort of valiant effort to force myself back into some routine of normalcy. Fake it 'til you make it, they say. I don't know who. But I know I say it a lot. Let's attribute it to me. This is the Internet. I could claim it and some idiot will believe it. And then it will get passed around forever and I will gloat over my victory.

So no more avoiding The Feelings. No more avoiding the scary shit and the overwhelming shit. It's going on the table and then we're going to walk away from it.

And that's why I'm doing NaBloPoMo this year, even though I wasn't going to. By forcing myself to write every day, I'm going to force some of those demons out.

No more hiding. No more procrastinating.

And no more apologizing.


terra said...

You are awesome and I'm glad you know it and don't mind proclaiming it for everyone. That's good stuff right there.

ameena said...

oh i am so good at the avoiding of the feelings and the constant apologizing for everything. i need to try to be better. oh and like terra said, you are super awesome. i'm glad you own it :)