So, following the apparent theme of the week (quitting), I think I need to admit to myself that this whole NaNoWriMo thing just isn't working out this year. I think I psyched myself out too much... that's a lot of words. A lot of pressure. And I would freeze up with writer's block every time I even thought about writing it. I need to tell myself that IT IS OKAY to quit, to drop out, wash out, whatever, and I can still work on my story, slowly and surely, eventually, sometime, when the inspiration is there, and not force it. I work remarkably well under pressure and deadlines... but not here.
I went to the site, though. Read the "pep talks" that had landed in my site inbox. And wanted to cry. Maybe quitting isn't the right theme of the week - it feels more like abject failure. I don't want to quit this, either, but I can't seem to get myself to move forward. I guess I could shoot for writing half a novel in the second half of the month? Yesterday was the halfway point. I'm way too behind now. I mean, I have 4000 words in my pocket from my original draft that need to be placed somewhere in the Actual For Real draft, so that's a teensy boost, but I'm still so, so, so far behind.
Between reading Alice Bradley's writing column (she's my new writer-crush, guys. Every one of her posts makes me want to requote things here but I'm sure not many of you care and they probably don't mean the same things to do you that they mean to me so I'm not sure what the point is) and the tips and advice embedded within the NaNo site... You guys. It's reminding me of all the things I used to want to do, all the stories I used to want to tell. It breaks my heart that I've shoved all those ambitions into a box and buried it in the back of my closet. It's the one thing I was always sure of, the one thing that I always knew I wanted to do. And I'm not doing it. I don't know why. I'm afraid of failing, I guess. Because if I continue to keep it on pause, then there's still the chance that I could do it. But if I try, and crash and burn, then... then that last bit of hope is lost and I have nothing to hold on to.
I don't know. I realize that there is absolutely no reason not to write, at whatever snail pace I am stuck with, and that NaNoWriMo is just some arbitrary project or a collective kick in the pants to get moving... I just feel like my avoidance of that is representative of my larger avoidance as a whole. If that makes sense.
However, I am committed to seeing this whole NaBloPoMo thing through. (And trust me, after the beginning of this week, I wanted nothing more than to just wallow in silence, which is... unproductive, to say the least.) I'm going to get at least something right this month. I may have bombed out with writing, boys, and keeping on my weight loss program, but BY GOD I will cram your Readers full of inane dribble.
Like Alice says: write anyway. No matter what, just keep writing. The only way you get to be a writer.... is to write. Even if it's shit, even if you feel like shit... write anyway.
So for now, I will write this crappy little blog and it will be delightful, and you will pretend to enjoy it because otherwise I will burst into irrational little bouts of tears and then you will feel bad and nobody wants that. Maybe you do. In which case, you're an asshole.
Pssst, I totally tweeted in the vague direction of the aforementioned Alice Bradley and she tweeted back at me! It's like that time The Bloggess followed me back. Even though I think she probably does that for a lot of people. Shhh, I feel special, okay?
I... I pick weird things to get excited about.