(HAHA I KNOW this blog is usually not coherent, so picture this level of coherency and then, like, subtract from that. SCARY RIGHT.)
I tried to write the funny-only-in-hindsight story of The Incident With My Car (coming soon!), and I stared at and stared at it and was like, "okay, you need to come back and re-write this whole thing sometime when you can be witty since you can't hand-flail over the Internet." (I suppose I could make a vlog. But I suck at that.) Epic stories will not be told until I can do them justice and make them sound as epic as they are. (Epic being a relative term, as it pertains to my otherwise fairly ordinary existence.)
So I've been giving my blog the side-eye and made a list of things that I meant to blog about and then suddenly things in the news and pop culture sort of exploded and OF COURSE I have opinions that MUST be shared with everyone, and... and... and... then I probably got sucked into Pinterest and then it was time for bed and that's why I haven't been posting. I hate it when people ask me what I do in my free time because it's pretty much "look at pretty and/or funny things on the Internet until I fall asleep" EVERY DAY. I don't even know where my evenings GO because I know that I have them, I know I must do something, yet I can't ever account for doing anything worthwhile.
Therefore, I have concluded that I am either (a) eating (b) sleeping (c) Internetting (d) showering (e) at Target (f) at the grocery store or (g) no, seriously, I can't even think of anything other than "various errands as needed."
OR, Option H, which is: baking things and writing about them.
Which brings us to the fact that I have proclaimed February to be Red Velvet Month because it seems Valentinesy and even though I hate V-Day with a bitterness I can't quite explain anymore, I've decided to be a good sport and go with the flow.
Last week I posted about Red Velvet Chocolate Chip cookies. I made them twice because I didn't like the way the first batch turned out and also because I wanted more. The trick to keep them from drying out (and they will be predisposed to drying out because cocoa powder is kind of a moisture-sucking bitch) is to bake them for the minimum amount of time you can get away with.
I actually learned quite a bit in this endeavor. For example, I didn't really know what red velvet *was* other than some form of delicious cake that must always be accompanied by cream cheese frosting. Turns out? Red velvet is basically just a special less-sweet form of chocolate that's dyed red. (I, um, actually didn’t figure that out until I started printing recipes. I guess I still thought it was some sort of magical flavor that just kind of came into being.) So when I'm done with this, I'm going to start making Purple Velvet and Green Velvet and Blue Velvet and confuse the fuck out of everyone.
It's going to be awesome.
So THIS week (specifically, today), I posted the Red Velvet Cheesecake Brownies which would have been my favorite recipe I've tried since I started this project except then I remembered how much I loved the pumpkin cream cheese bread, so I'm very torn, but it's all good because HOLY SHIT THESE ARE AMAZING.
I will admit, I'm not always the biggest fan of brownies (I have absolutely NO IDEA why this is, but... it is) but these are not your regular brownies. They are pure delicious and they're pretty, too. I fail to see how you could NOT impress anyone with them. Shit, I impressed MYSELF when I pulled these bad boys out of the oven.
Now, I'm not saying these will get you laid, but I am saying they won't hurt your chances.
Unless, like me, you hoard the entire pan to yourself and guard them like Gollum ("my precioussss"), in which case, the odds of snagging a dude (or lady, if that's your preference) goes down substantially. Especially because if you EAT all the brownies yourself, you will likely get fat and then no one will love you. (I'm still working on my self-esteem issues.) *cough* Just kidding. My kitty loves me and that's all that matters. Except for when she doesn't. But she's a cat. That's kind of their deal.
This is what I look like without makeup.
This is also why I will be single for my 27th consecutive Valentine's Day. Holla.
I have no further segues for this after that gloriousness, so... um... go make the brownies. You're welcome. The end.