Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Back to Fat Camp...

I have a confession to make. It’s not really a confession, per se, because it’s probably really fucking obvious, but… I’ve gained back almost all of the weight that I lost last year.

At my peak, I was down 32 pounds, in the stretch between February and October when I’d been really good at following the Weight Watchers plan – Thirty two pounds without even much of a concentrated exercise effort. It came from mostly a modified diet and eating habits alone, and I was feeling pretty good about myself. I still had another ten to twenty pounds to go to get where I really wanted to be, but I was content to maintain at that thirty-pound mark for a while. My clothes fit, and that was enough for me.

Then I started baking more. Then it was the holidays. Between pumpkin-flavored everything (a lot of it birthed into creation by my own hands and my own oven) and incessant eating with the family, I kind of threw in the towel and went, “fuck it.”

After the blitzkrieg of holiday binge-eating, I apprehensively stepped back on the scale. I’d slowly been adding on little partial pounds here and there, but I breathed a huge sigh of relief when my total net gain was under ten pounds. Sure, it sucked, but it was manageable, and I hadn’t unraveled too badly. I went back to my TKD classes a few times and convinced myself that I was going to get back on track.

I bet you can guess how well that went.

While we had a mild winter and I didn’t get smacked over the head with a debilitating round of Seasonal Affective Disorder this year, I was still sluggish and unmotivated and, goddammit, I like food. I started eating out a lot more and caring less what I put in my face. Dessert? Don’t mind if I do.

So I’m back up twenty pounds.

Each day, a little more self-loathing crept its way in with each glance in the mirror. There were more outfit changes in the morning than usual, as I put something on that suddenly didn’t quite look so good. I’d feel guilty about eating ANYTHING, which led to more emotional eating or stress eating, and I can’t seem to quite get past that mindset of “I’m broke, therefore, when there is free food to be had at the office, I MUST EAT IT.”

Cupcakes do not help one’s waistline.

This all culminated last night when I finally had a bit of a meltdown while curled up on the BF’s couch. I’m really not sure where it came from, other than that I’d been stressed out to my breaking point anyway (see also: Kelly’s inability to say no to anyone and thus overloaded calendar) and I’d seen my reflection just one too many times, and the visible muffin top with a fleece jacket that was supposed to HIDE that muffin top was just too much.

It was ridiculous. There are worse things to be upset about other than, well, being fat. I’m not even fat, really. Just overweight for my frame size. But that’s not what it feels like. It feels like failure, that I can’t manage to be thin and pretty like I’m “supposed” to be. That I managed to unravel all of my hard work from last summer. That I’m STILL not going to be able to wear a bathing suit in Vegas because I hate myself just as much as – if not more than – I did at this point last year.

The boyfriend, to his credit, should probably be nominated for sainthood. He didn’t look at me like I was crazy; rather, he sat there quietly and handed me tissues. He shushed my constant apologizing and gently prodded at me to tell him what was going on my head, keeping me in a constant supply of hugs and cuddles. He’s said repeatedly that he doesn’t care what I look like, but I want to be pretty for him, you know? But also for myself. So I don’t cringe when I look in the mirror. So I don’t hate myself when I eat a cookie or two. So I can wear those cute things that are sitting in my closet waiting for me to fit back into. So I can find some of that confidence I was slowly starting to get back last year.

All of that to say, I’m back on the point-counting bandwagon and thanks to their 2012 system revamp, I get three less points than I did last time around, and it’s 5:30 and I’m already out of points for the day. Which means that I’m starving and I’m probably going to be cranky all week, but I did it before, so I know I can do it again. It’s going to be tedious and annoying and I’m going to hate every second of it, but if I start looking at it in terms of “one day at a time” rather than “OMG I CAN NEVER HAVE A CHEESEBURGER AGAIN EVER” then I think I might be better off. It’s the prospect of having to calculate every single thing I eat for the rest of time that makes it daunting and makes me want to give up before I even start.

Also, I signed up for a 5K in June, so I need to get my ass in shape anyway. I’ve started going on long walks again, so I’m getting “warmed up” but I need to start running soon because lord knows it’s going to probably take me UNTIL June to be able to run the full distance. On the bright side, if I start running AND watching what I eat, I might be able to pull myself back into my mid-2011 weight in no time. I did buy a bathing suit top (need to find a bottom piece that shows as little of my ass as possible) at Target a few months ago that isn’t horrendous, but… I make no promises that this will be the year that it sees daylight. Someday, maybe.

Anyway, I need to head out, time to go coach some kidlets on how to play softball. I wonder how many points it would be if I chewed off my arm right now…


Ginny said...

All you can do is get back on the horse which it seems you're doing. You always look cute to me btw and your boyfriend seems like a keeper!

Maria said...

You're always a beauty to me.

Women are wayyy too hard on themselves. We can't judge our worth on our weight.

That was a lot of W's.

And I'm point-counting right there with you. I've firmly plateaued at -10 with -20 to go!

Megs said...

Oh, God, I know. Last weekend was my mother in law's engagement party and NONE of my fancy clothes fit. So I had to go shopping, which is an exercise in self loating anyway, but then I had to buy a dress MUCH BIGGER than I have ever had to buy before. I got home and SOBBED on the couch, while my husband hugged me and told me I was still totally hot and I refused to believe him because I cannot be both FAT and HOT at the same time.

Good for the BF for being awesome and for liking you as you are. And also what Maria said. And also, you are gorgeous at any size which I kind of hate you for. Bitch.

chimes said...

I haven't read all of this yet, but I'll go back on WW again and help you. Mark's been off the wagon since I quit. And having a friend for support is always good! :)

Also — I actually HADN'T noticed. Which I know sounds weird, but I didn't. So you must have gained some of it back in muscle.

PS If we make a plan to start training for that race once a week, that should help. :)

And I always gain a bunch of weight when I start a relationship. Last time, it was 15 lbs.

chimes said...

P to the S — you didn't fail. 20 isn't horrible. It's not the entirety of your loss. And I think if you add working out (harder) to your regime, you will peel it off in no time.

Also — thin doesn't equal pretty. That is for sure. I think you look best at a heavier weight than what you were in high school and college — so where you are / where you were last time I saw you — that's what I like best. BUT, in the end, it only really matters what YOU think — i know this all too well.

And re: cheeseburgers, etc. ... try having a food allergy. I may never eat a bagel again. Or drink a real beer. Find things that you love just as much that are healthy for you. Or go the whole 9 yards and quit sugar for ONE WEEK. You would be surprised at how much less you crave sugar and carbs after just one week of avoiding it. That week will suck (I'm currently doing it again after Easter) but it makes everything else much easier after.

And you need to give me your schedule so we can figure out a day to do run / walk / jogs. Sundays you said you're generally free, right? We could do a Sunday afternoon thing. I have a track behind my apt. and I take Mark there every once in a while to do a run a lap, jog a lap, etc. I might have to start training now to do a 5K in June myself. ugh.

chimes said...

PP to the S

And this guy sounds beyond awesome. That's how Mark treats me with my freakouts and he's the first guy I've ever dated that is really good with them. So you've found a good one.

Klutzyballerina said...

I'm in the same boat--where I'm so frustrated and really should buy bigger pants but I. Refuse. And then I'm sad that my pants are too tight.

I'm going with 1 day at a time, 1 hour at a time. I can make a good choice now and not worry about tonight. (trying)

Tori said...

I had to re-start WW too, after gaining back all but 5 lbs of the weight I lost last year. (Granted, I'd only lost 15 lbs, but STILL.)

We're about to be a lean, mean WW team!!

(Also, I'm sort of in love with your boyfriend. Based on your entry, he reminds me a lot of Dan. Who I also happen to love. But still not as much as Nixon.)