Tuesday, October 16, 2012

The Auntie Files: Chapter One

I can (finally) announce... that I AM GOING TO BE AN AUNT!!!!

It was very hard for me to keep this a secret. Well, okay, it wasn't hard to not TELL people (except it kind of was, especially at my friend Maria's rehearsal dinner when we were talking about our friend Meredith [who is henceforth to be known as Stalker Meredith because she stalks me on here and facebook but doesn't actually TALK to me ever - that's right, Meredith, I'm on to you!] who is expecting her first baby in February, and in my head I was all GUESS WHO ELSE IS PREGNANT but I am a good secret-keeper so I didn't say anything), but it was hard to not make a Pinterest board full of baby shower ideas and fun little projects to do with the kidlet when it arrives and ideas for my sister for announcements and photos (omg, there are so many cute announcements out there!) and so I quietly filed them away for when I could officially not be secretive anymore. I mean, I suppose I could have randomly started a baby-themed board, but that would have raised quite a few eyebrows, especially since I've been all NO BABIES since, well, all of adulthood.

Seriously, thanks to Pinterest, I am going to be the best aunt ever.

It's funny, though. As baby-crazy as I've become in regards to my sister's future spawn (I may or may not have purchased a onesie or two already)... I still don't want any for myself. Babies are cute and wonderful, for other people. And, let's face it... if this kid is even half as cute as my sister and I were when we were youngins, it's going to be one effing adorable child.

The best part about being an aunt, as far as I can tell, is that you get to do all the fun stuff and spoil the kid rotten and then hand it back over to the parents. All of the good stuff, none of the gross stuff. WIN!

I mean, on the Kelly Junior front, I'm not saying "never" because, who knows, maybe after a while my maternal instincts will kick in and I'll change my mind. (If I even have maternal instincts. Which I kind of think I don't. I have kind of shitty pet owner instincts and that probably doesn't bode well for a tiny person.) Aside from that, I think I'd be an okay parent. I mean, it's possible I'll spend too much time trying to be a "cool mom" and thus embarrass the everliving hell out of my offspring, but, oh well. I'd much rather have them drink in the house if they're going to drink anyway.

I've got pretty decent genes, it would only be fair to pass them on, right? And I've got a pretty solid work ethic and good morals and acceptable hygiene standards (listen, showering every day is bad for your hair, I read it somewhere) and I can play catch which is useful for a boy OR a girl, and I have an awesome collection of Disney movies. Oooh, and I'm good at craft projects. I should be a professional aunt. Is that a thing? Maybe it's a thing. I'll add it to my entrepreneurial agenda right after Professional Bridesmaid. This is the stuff I'm good at, folks. Basically, I'm a real life Best Supporting Actress. And I say this with the utmost sincerity - I like being helpful and useful. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside.

Also, I just cut somewhere in the neighborhood of 2000 words from this post because I digressed HORRIBLY and I will post those some other time but it's basically a reiteration of why I'm currently a card-carrying member of the No Babies For Me club. Including but not limited to: babies are terrifying and all the good genes in the world will not change the fact that I'm ill-equipped to be in charge of another human life, especially a tiny one that happens to be somewhat fragile.

But that detracts from my point.




So, congratulations to my sister and congratulations to me even though I didn't even do anything to contribute to this current situation except be born before she was and to the same parents.

I did help with her announcement photos though. And by "help" I mean I found ideas on Pinterest and then I made the props and then we recreated them and I took the pictures. AND I even made up my own "Aunt Announcement Photo" which you may recall from the beginning of this post. See how helpful I am being already? (Though, let's face it... I'll be more helpful at taking pictures of Baby than at things like changing diapers, because, ew.) Again, another post for another time, re: the photos and props and such. (Is auntie blogging a thing? Is it as profitable as mommy blogging? Can I make it be a thing?)

So, in conclusion: SQUEEEEEEE!


Meredith said...

Congratulations, Auntie Kelly!!

Stalker Meredith

Steph A said...

I can't wait to welcome you to the Auntie Brigade! Being an aunt doesn't make me feel old 'cause i've been one since i was SEVEN. And it was totally planned and legit and everything. I have old siblings. :)

And... for whatever reason, i feel like you'd be the kind of mom that my mom is. I can elaborate on that sometime for you if you like. :) And she's a damn good mom. So whether you do or don't have kids, i'm confident you'll be just fine.

Terra said...

Yay! Congratulations on your impending ascent into auntiehood!!!