Tuesday, December 18, 2012

More Than a Case of the Mondays

I don't know what time it is. Without looking at the clock I could tell you that it's sometime after 1 am. Probably closer to 1:30. For the second night in a row, I'm wide awake. I'm exhausted, but sleep is being an elusive bastard these days. I've spent the last two evenings frosting and decorating my signature sugar cookies. I'd post pictures but I can't find my camera cable. They're the best-looking ones I've ever done in all my years. Admittedly, the tip I found on Pinterest about using a condiment-type bottle was incredibly useful. I don't have my final cookie count yet but I've done upward of 60 cookies so far, easy. I've done four or five different colors of icing. It's incredibly time consuming but it's the only thing that's soothing right now, because my stress levels are off the charts in a way that they haven't been for quite a while. Night-time is the worst, too. It's when all the insecurities and demons like to come out to play.

It's not the holidays. I mean, it's kind of the holidays. I feel like I'm not "done" with anything and so I'm scrambling to fill in whatever festivity gap there might be. There are additional demands on my time, sure. And the people, lordy, there are people everywhere. I made the mistake of going to Target to pick up some routine items on Saturday. I almost vowed to not come out of my apartment again until December 26. Actually, no. Too many people trying to return unwanted gifts. Maybe by mid-January.

It might be work. I've lost count of how many Big Projects are in motion right now, and most of them have overlapping deadlines. None of them can be pushed. So I'm working feverishly to make sure all ends are tied and everything is moving forward, but I'm up against a wall because there's no room to push back against anything. Which equates to there being no room to breathe. I can't quite describe the way it's causing my nerves to frazzle and I can't even find a good metaphor. I'm running a marathon at a sprint pace while juggling flaming batons. It's kind of like that.

I was hoping to get a lot of stuff around my apartment done while the BF is away and while I theoretically have all this time to myself. None of it has gotten done. Not only has it not gotten done, but I've been slipping with my regular routine. I haven't been able to work out as regularly and I've been eating like shit and I can feel myself getting fat and I cringe whenever I catch a glimpse of myself in my mini-Skype box. Especially my hands. I have chubby hands.

It seems far too early for S.A.D. to be kicking in, and I've been doing really well the last couple winters. Maybe it was because we've had such mild winters. I don't know. Maybe it's that. Or maybe I'm just overdue for a meltdown.

This all feels incredibly self-centered given everything that's going on in the rest of the world but I can't really handle yet another night of wanting to break down and cry for no other reason than that things are hard right now. And I can't figure out why they're hard, because they shouldn't be. Nothing is different, I'm just handling it poorly. And I feel like I'm failing at having my shit together which makes me feel like I'm failing as an adult, and if I can't manage to do that, then what's the point?

I don't know. I'm tired. That's what I know.


G said...

It's super easy to get overwhelmed this time of year. Unfortunately, I'll be in the same boat as "crazy projects, no sleep", the rest of the week. All you can do is do the best you can, right? But maybe I'll buy some cookie dough so I can make cookies at 1AM too? ;) i hope you have a great Christmas. Thanks for the card, it's frikkin AWESOME!

foxypepperjack said...

Hang in there! You are not alone. I had a similar melty downy blog post a couple days ago. Tis the season. I think we grew up seeing adults do a million things at once and thought WOW that's who I need to be too. Only, no one told us that they were having meltdowns behind the scenes too. My best advice is to just let go...of the stress, anxiety, the pressure of failure. It's ok. Have a good cry because you are doing the best you can with the best intentions your heart can muster up and then give yourself a hug because you're awesome to be so motivated and then take a deep breath and let it go.

thechimes said...

Hang in there. Take a step back. Get out of your apartment and do something for YOU tonight. And put everything you're working on out of your room and out of your mind so you can get some sleep. Forget about work when you get home. It will be there tomorrow and it will get done tomorrow.

Biggest thing to remember: Nobody is going to DIE if you don't get any of this stuff done. I know you like to please everybody, but seriously. Just breathe and don't let it consume you.

No SAD this year. You did so well last year!!

Stephanie Fink said...

: hugs :

I've been struggling a little bit lately, too, for no particular reason. It happens.