Thursday, February 28, 2013

Drifting Along

I'm restless. I can't quite figure out why. It's not that I'm waiting for something to happen, because I don't even know what I would be waiting for, but I'm anxious. I want everything to happen at once. I want to snap my fingers and be in shape, I want to sit down with a notebook and when I look up again, I want it to be full. I want my apartment to be tidy and for all the extraneous possessions that I've been avoiding sorting, to magically be gone. I want my life to fit again. I'm overwhelmed and that overwhelm has rendered me motionless.

My routines have been shattered by traveling. I like traveling, and I like that I get to do it for my job sometimes. But I don't like the timing of it this year. I was building momentum and then I was ripped out of my routine for a week. Just as I was settling back in, it happened again. I'm pretty stationary now, until May, I think. But the heavy snowfall we just got makes me lethargic. At least I've been reading more, reading instead of napping. So that's a plus.

I'm ready for spring, I think. Winter hasn't knocked me down like it has in the past, but it feels restricting. I can't go outside, it's covered in snow or it's unbearably cold, oftentimes both. Spring is freedom. I can roam outside and go wherever I want. Maybe I'll start running again. I really want to do a full 5K this year. I'm practically starting back at zero. Couch level. Winter did that to me. I don't have a treadmill and I don't like them anyway. Partially because I get worried that I'll lose my rhythm and trip and be the victim of a horrendous treadmill accident. I didn't say it was a logical reason, but it's in the back of my mind. I'm trying to embrace my quirks. I'm trying to be more of myself. Interestingly, I used to also be afraid of driving in snow, but for some reason this week, I feel like I am the boss of it. Tuesday's snowstorm would have normally left me locked inside in my sweatpants, but I just kind of shrugged and ventured across town. I don't think I'm afraid anymore. Not sure why.

My writing is coming in fragments. I've sort of been doing it, just not here. My writing class is over and I got really anxious about not having that structure, and sort of stopped. I still carry a notebook around, with my designated writing pen, but I haven't touched it in a while. I have a few things written in a notebook. I blamed the traveling for not posting, because it's not enough to write, I need to connect. I crave feedback and interaction. But it's bullshit, because I had a wireless connection at the hotels I stayed at. I could have posted. I just didn't. I don't really know why, it felt kind of like laziness, but I'm sure it's more complex than that. I'm holding myself back for some reason. My mind wants an all-or-nothing - it has to be great, or it's not worth the time to type it. Bullshit. We're not getting along right now, my brain and I.

Maybe when my vacation time resets I'll take a week long staycation. I'll be horribly lazy the first day, maybe even two. I'll sleep too much and I'll likely not even shower. But after that, I'll get the itch to do something constructive, and then I'll tidy up my living space, or write a few pages, read a book, watch a movie, get crafty, create something. That sounds nice. Maybe I'm just restless for a break. I just need to stand still, do it properly. It's not that I'm bored or lazy; I think it's just that I'm stuck.

9 comments:

Kelly L said...

treadmills suck. i second that. this time of year is really, really fun to run around outside if you go somewhere with nice snow removal (i.e. campus).

also, i'm starting at zero again (again, again) too. too many injuries. too many pairs of completely wrong shoes for my body. biking and building up muscle for a while before i even attempt to run (sigh). it's going to be less frustrating than gaining ground and falling on my ass again.

also, i hate traveling and being ripped from routine. that sucks. at least May is something fun that you're planning. I'm traveling this weekend for work, and all the stuff I normally do on the weekends is just going to sit there. (ugh).

Kelly L said...

Your domination of snow driving reminds me of this: http://www.hark.com/clips/dzcdtpxkrq-hey-im-not-afraid-anymore.

Kelly L said...

One day at a time. One hour at a time, even. When you want to make big sweeping changes, all you can actually change is what you're doing *rightnow.* Just ask yourself every once in a while "is what i'm doing right now making me feel good or bad?" If bad, do something else. Simple but very powerful.

Personally, i love treadmills. I think it's a whole lot harder to hurt yourself on a treadmill than out in the ice/wind/rain/traffic/sun/uneven pavement/hills/dogs/mud/strangers/heat/cold/broken glass/pollen/etc. And i've ordered a proper running bra for myself, so i'm looking forward to breaking that in. :)

Kelly L said...

Sorry—i need to quit trying to give you advice all the time. :) I realized that this comment was probably too vague to be helpful anyway. What i meant was that this is what has been helping me lately; it's how i've cut back on stuff like facebook and online shopping and pinterest and TV and sleeping and such that don't actually make me happy, and switch to things like reading and spending time with nathan and griz and making phone calls and cleaning the house instead, which are all things that make me feel good. FWIW.

Kelly L said...

That made me giggle

Kelly L said...

On the contrary, I thought both of your comments were helpful - the first one made a really good point, about perspective, and baby steps, and such. It may have been advice dispension (I don't think that's a real word) but it was solid advice, so: yay!


As for your second comment - I know what you mean. Monday night after I got off work, I didn't touch the Internet once. I went and worked out and then picked up some ingredients and then the BF and I made dinner and watched a movie and it was a wonderfully nice evening. Even last night, I got home from work a bit late, but I got a lot done: I addressed and mailed the invites for my sister's baby shower, ordered some custom thank-you cards that I designed for her, then hung out with BF and grabbed a late dinner. Reading a book is far better (and mentally stimulating) than reading facebook; Pinterest is great for breaks at work but not a productive use of time when I get home. I love the idea of spending more and more time "off the grid" in the evenings, it's amazing how much I can actually get done. :)

Kelly L said...

I'm a wuss about cold, though if I had the appropriate gear/clothing maybe it wouldn't be so bad. I've been using the Beef's elliptical a little bit so at least I'm maybe at 0.5 rather than 0, so that's something. And I'm trying to eat better, which I'm hoping will help a lot too.


Disrupted routines = teh suck.

Kelly L said...

oh yeah, eating more nutrient-dense foods (fruits, veggies, you know the drill) should help your mood. And so will regular exercise (as I know all too well since I've been cooped up for nearly 2 months).

Kelly L said...

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