Monday, May 13, 2013

The Final Countdown

Apparently, I'm on a kick of using song names for post titles. I present this fact without comment or explanation.

In two days, I'll be getting on a plane for Las Vegas, as I have done for the past couple years in the middle of May. It's the final Bloggers in Sin City, and I have all sorts of anxieties and concerns that are completely new from previous years. The things I was scared of the first year aren't even on my radar. I know I'll have fun. I know that I will make new friends. I know that I will have people to hang out with. Most of all, I know what to expect. You may or may not know this about me, but I am a Planner. I like to have all my ducks in a row. The unknown is my worst enemy. Uncertainty is one of my most dreaded emotions.

The trip kind of snuck up on me this year, despite the fact that I've been looking forward to it ever since I stepped off the airplane in my home airport last year. Three hundred and sixty five days of waiting for the next one. An entire trip around the sun, collecting as many sequin tops as I could find. Writing my bio for the registration as soon as I got home, so it would be ready, so I didn't have to obsess over it at the last minute when it came time to fill it out this year.

Then there was winter and it was long and dreary and then suddenly it was May and I skyrocketed into panic mode.

What am I panicking about, you might ask? It's a long weekend in Las Vegas, what is there to possibly panic about?


I have been even more neurotic than usual this year about stuffing some clothes in a zippered box. Which is saying something, because I am incredibly neurotic about a lot of things, but especially packing for trips. I make the most thorough lists you could ever want to have, and I plan my outfits out weeks in advance. Which is what the problem was: I didn't know what to wear. Again, who cares, you might say. Well I care, for a couple of really dumb reasons.

Reason #1: It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife I take a metric truckload of photos, pretty much all the time, but especially on vacation. Don't get me wrong: I still enjoy myself and the photo-taking doesn't distract from my enjoyment of (insert event here), like most people would assume. What you fail to take into account is that photography has been one of my life-long hobbies, and I crave things to take photos of. I can still enjoy a concert or a party or a vacation, even if I'm seeing part of it through a lens (or, these days, a digital screen). With this being the final BiSC, I am reasonably certain I will be taking more photos than usual. I even bought a new memory card. Now, I expect that I will appear in many photos as well, because, hi: it's a blogger meetup, and we all like to document things. I have struggled with my self-images for years and nothing is quite as bad as a visual slap in the face when you see a photo of yourself looking fat, frumpy, and wearing ill-fitting clothes. I want to look nice in the photos. I want to not cringe when I look at the photos.

Reason #2: I'm from an area that is also pretty universally acknowledged as being, well, unhip. I feel reasonably proud of the fact that people don't always know where I'm from unless I tell them, because I feel like I have overcome the stereotype of the region and come across as a normal person instead of the backwards hick that I assume that people assume that I would be inclined to be. Basically: I feel like I'm an ambassador for the great state of Iowa, and I want to paint us in the most positive light possible, because everyone thinks this place sucks (which admittedly, it does sometimes) and that we're all five years behind and can't be even remotely conscious of what's "in." Yes, I know, this is all very ridiculous, but given that everyone else hails from much cooler, trendier places (Chicago! DC! Portland! California! New York!), I can't help but feel like on some level, I need to prove myself.

Reason #3: This is highly related to Reason #1, but: I'm not a terribly svelte individual. I've put on more weight than what I should have, given the size of my frame. I am very, very self-conscious of this, doubly so when it's warm out because I can't hide in my layers or sleeves or even pants. I LOVE PANTS. Even if I'm not necessarily being photographed, I am still very self-aware of how I look, and how things fit, and how this might be perceived by others. Even though it's scientifically proven that people are so focused on themselves that they don't give a rat's ass what you look like. I want to be comfortable so I can be confident and frankly, this is something I've really been trying to work at. I don't want to feel like a phony last year, overcompensating for my insecurities.

On the bright side, I've lost about ten pounds since March, so I have at least that going for me.

Reason #4: It's going to be in the upper 90s in Vegas. It's been hanging out in the 60s, maybe 70s around here, with a nice cool breeze. In other words: comfortable, erring on the side of chilly. I am so not used to nor am I ready for near 100-degree temperatures. I am going to MELT and I am going to be HOT and UNCOMFORTABLE and SWEATY and DISGUSTING and probably CRANKY. My wardrobe has not been updated for the summer, because it hasn't needed to be. I'm not ready for hot weather. I'm worried that the clothes I am bringing are going to be too warm.

So these are the things that are constantly circling over my head every day as I make and remake and revise and edit my packing list(s). I've tried almost everything on more than once, I've meticulously paired jewelry and accessories with each outfit, I've broken in two new pairs of flats. I'm almost ready to go, which is good, because it's almost time to go. Eep!


Kelly L said...

Kelly, you worry too much. We're all going to love you JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. Also, I will take a truckload of photos, too, and I promise I'll clear photos that you're in with you before sharing them ;) DEAL?

Can't wait to meet you.

Kelly L said...

I know, I get told that a LOT. :)

I have a feeling that you and I are going to get along great. Just a couple more days!!!

Kelly L said...

First thing I notice, last thing I remember about all your pictures: your awesome smile. Second thing: those gorgeous peepers. I hear your laughter in my head when I see your pics. <3 never notice or remember what you wore or how it fit.

Kelly L said...

In preparation of going sleeveless, (because I have the RIGHT TO BARE ARMS, DAMMIT) I tried to do some sunless tanner. Which results in a bright orange streak down the back of my arm. And adds to my overall charm, OBVIOUSLY.

We're going to have the best time. Promise.

Kelly L said...

did you get a permit for those guns??? kabam! ;) Have fun ladies! my blogger meetup is this weekend too.

Kelly L said...

agreed!! you're the only one that notices. and i worry about the same shiz. my blogger meetup this weekend entails going to meet a bunch of ladies that are way hotter and fitter than me (fitness / foodie meetup) and one of my favorite blogger lady friends just got done doing a figure competition. i'm going to look like a big fat fatty next to her, but i decided I don't even care anymore. :)

Kelly L said...

Have fun at BiSC! I'm sad this is the last year (didn't know that!) because I wanted to go sometime and this year obviously didn't work out for me to go. I'm glad it's only going to be in the 60s in Utah this weekend, although, we're basically all wearing workout clothes all weekend so 90s wouldn't be terrible. Except when climbing a mountain.