Monday, May 5, 2014

Just For a Moment

I've been putting this off all day, hoping that at some point, the words would come to me and I could say something worth saying, something meaningful, something... just something, I guess. I'm waiting for the year when May rolls around and I don't feel that sinking feeling in my stomach, but I sort of think that that might never happen. It's permanently entwined with this time of year. It has gotten easier, if such things can get easier. There's still a hole, but it's starting to scar over. I'm not sure I even do have much left to say, anymore. All these years, I've been pouring my heart out, hoping to dull the edges of the fragments that were left behind, but they're still sharp, even when sanded down. It's like when you've cried so much you don't have tears left, just that ache, that lump in your throat. Where it might feel good to cry, but at the same time, what good would crying do? It doesn't change a thing. Not a damn thing.

So here I am, faithfully at my keyboard on May 5. So many things have been left unsaid since last year; big changes, small changes, milestones, this that and the other, all things that I've been meaning to write down, meaning to commit to history. My nephew turned one last month. The flame of a relationship flickered and burnt out. My childhood home is being dismantled box by box. These are things, important things, that I've wanted - no, needed - to talk about, but I just... haven't. But here I am, now. An electronic vigil, every year, without fail. Even if there are no new words, it's still important that I'm here, that I'm remembering out loud, remembering so other people can hear and so that in some way, her memory is still alive, safe with strangers, safe in this digital archive. It's the very least of things that can be done, and it's insignificant. But it's a tiny candle in the dark, it's my own tribute, the best I know how. Even the littlest of words. Even if just for a minute. Remembering. Like always. Because I won't forget. No matter where I end up, there's always a tiny little piece of my heart reserved for one of the most amazing friends I've ever had. Those years can never be taken away, even if future years were. And I would have rather had just those years than none at all.

Not the best photo any of us have ever taken, but it was the first one we took together.
Move out day, spring 2004. Sadler House, Helser Hall, Iowa State University. Best year ever.

13 comments:

Kelly L said...

I forgot yesterday was May 5, until Amanda reminded me it was Cinco de Mayo, and then my heart sank. I didn't know her that well, but she was a bright spot in everybody's life.

Kelly L said...

I loved your article, although I am 'totes' guilty of using slang words & even double-negatives, but in a truly joking manner. If I may point out your closing sentence, isn't the phrase "tend to" as opposed to "attend to"? Not certain if they are synonymous in that regard...

Kelly L said...

Awww.. Kelly. I'm sending you a giant heart hug, right now. Do you feel it? I'm sorry for your loss. It is never easier. Something that has helped me...when thinking about loss...is that those we lose are always with us. She may not be in her physical form, as Michelle, but she is everywhere. With you. Part of you. Surrounding you. She is light, love, beauty, everything. And someday, you'll be part of that too. It's this way I feel that we're all connected in a love, sparkle bubble of life. We can't even imagine how beautiful it is, but just know that she's always with you. Don't feel selfish for your feelings, they are not selfish. There is no need to judge them. Anyway, heart hug and love.

Kelly L said...

Nice. Yeah, i needed that.

I've been thinking lately about how i've never really worked hard for anything in my life. And that sounds impossible, but it's mostly true. School is the only thing i worked somewhat hard at, and that was because for a while (high school) i felt competitive about it. I was afraid of "failing" (i.e. getting B's) so i did just enough to get those A's. But i've never worked hard for my actual dreams, ever. So i'm starting, and it's going to be a long, long, long climb. But it's the only way that i might get there.

And now i know that as long as i keep working for it, i'll never be a failure. ;)

Kelly L said...

Do they sell the tutu's at the race? I want a pink one but it is sold out online ;-/

Kelly L said...

I think I've seen them at the merch tents, and they usually have a bunch for sale at packet pickup too. You can buy them just about anywhere nowadays though. If you're really ambitious, you can even make your own! You'll have to defer to Pinterest for how to do that, though. I am not a tutu-making expert.. ;)

Kelly L said...

Haha, awesome! (the dudes in wedding dresses, not that your other shirt turned pink.) The powder stuff gets everywhere and if you get wet/sweaty then it tends to seep through the fabric quite a bit.

Kelly L said...

Hello! This is a very informative post, thank you! My run is going to happen next weekend and I am heavily contemplating whether I should wear my good running shoes or not, and Color Run's website advised runners to wear their $500 running shoes... What do you think? Is it safe to wear a good pair?

Kelly L said...

Honestly? I wouldn't. That said, if you need your good shoes in order to be able to run comfortably, it probably won't ruin them, but they won't be quite the same afterward. It's totally your call, but if you have a less-nice pair of shoes that you don't mind grubbing up, I'd wear those instead.

Kelly L said...

i just did the color run and it the pink is completely stained on my face and its not coming off!!!! HELP ( i tried makeup remover wipes already and almost everything ) i've got school tomorrow HELP ME PLEASE

Kelly L said...

I'm doing the run on the 21st Dec and cannot wait!! :)
Thanks for this - it's making me so excited!! xx




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Kelly L said...

I'm dong my first one in KC this May. I can't wait. I think I'm going to wear a tutu with pink running tights.

Kelly L said...

I love this! Thanks much this is very helpful!